Barry's Beef

When not playing with his organ (see post below) there is nothing the good Bishop of Brustwerk prefers than to surf the Internet. Sometimes the Bishop multi-tasks and does both activities at the same time. At his ripe age that is no mean achievement.
So who's this ripped, cut, jakked and tonk young man in the photo? Well the Bishop (no bashing gags...) revealed it's none other than Lib Dem Lambeth Cllr Charles Anglin advertising himself on a gay dating website. This is quite similar to the furore caused by Rhondda MP, Chris Bryant when a picture of him surfaced on t'internet in his underwear (although I think the pic of him on the Web came about via a disgruntled ex-amour).
In fact the reaction of their respective parties are eerily...well judge for yourself. When defending Anglin's naivety (let's be generous) Lambeth's Liberal Democrat leader, Cllr Peter Truesdale said the pictures were a private matter. And when defending Chris Bryant, a Welsh Labour spokesman said: "It's a private matter..." Spooky!
You know what people get up to in the privacy of their own lives is their business, but it really is strange for supposed savvy peeps to present what is, in essence, an open goal. And unlike Emile Heskey, I don't miss open goals.
In his web advert, Anglin is ANGLING for loving action by saying how arousing he finds wrestling. I wonder if he is also a footie fan? If he is, he might be interested in this opening.

The story that is gripping the UK: Lead Pipe Organs. A new EU directive has led the Department for Trade and Industry to announce that Lead Pipe Organs can have only 0.1 per cent of its weight in lead, prompting the Ilford Recorder to LEAD with "Ban church organs? EU must be joking."
My source, the Bishop of Brustwerk, pointed me in the direction of three parliamentary questions. A shivering Bishop of Brustwerk informed me that his father taught him to play with his organ at an early age and often watched him play even today.
Displaying that they are now indeed in touch with the kidz, Tory MP Tony Baldry had a cunning plan, asking:

Tony Baldry: To ask the Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs how many organpipes have been disposed of on landfill sites since 2002.

Mr. Bradshaw: No data are available on the information requested. However, I would expect recyclable organ pipes would be sent to scrap metal facilities rather than to landfill.

Not deterred by this, Liberal Democrat Shadow Shadow Secretary of State for Health, Dr Steve Webb asked:

Steve Webb: To ask the hon. Member for Middlesbrough, representing the Church Commissioners how many pipe organs there are in the Church of England.

Sir Stuart Bell: The Church of England does not hold figures centrally for pipe organs in its cathedrals and churches. However, there are some 28,000 pipe organs registered in the UK (National Pipe Organ Register).

Well that's cleared that one up then. However, things got a bit tastier when the Labour and Co-op Member for Stroud, David Drew asked:

Mr. Drew: To ask the Secretary of State for Trade and Industry what steps he is taking to ensure that on (a) the restriction of hazardous substances (2002 95/EC) and (b) waste electrical and electronic equipment (2002 96/EC) prohibiting the use of lead in component manufacture do not adversely affect the organ building and repair industry.

Malcolm Wicks: The Department of Trade and Industry continues to work closely with the European Commission, other member states and industry on the RoHS and WEEE directives. The repair and refurbishment of existing pipe organs (both now and in the future) will not be affected; neither will pipe organs that are not reliant on electricity to function. A total exemption for the manufacture of new pipe organs from the substances restrictions of the RoHS directive would require a formal application by the industry to the European Commission (under article 5.1b). The Department has offered to work with the industry to help them develop such a case.

Mr. Chaytor: To ask the Secretary of State for Trade and Industry what assessment he has made of the likely impact of the EU Directive on Waste Electrical and Electronic Equipment on pipe organ (a) building and (b) maintenance; and if he will make a statement.
Malcolm Wicks: There is no impact on pipe organ building or maintenance arsing from the Waste Electrical and Electronic Equipment Directive.

Look closer to Malcolm Wicks' answer...he skillfully answers David Drew's but is comprenhensively stumped by wily David Chaytor answering that "There is no impact on pipe organ building or maintenance arsing..."
MAINTENANCE ARSING? Now that is a debate we could all enjoy.

Hopefully, these proposals will only apply to newly built organs. Otherwise a bit of drum 'n' bass might address dwindling congregations.

* photo courtesy of the Ilford Recorder

Slags of the world unite. Obviously, not slag as in its sexually promiscuous sense but rather its Eastend gangland meaning. It's Recess! It's Friday! So liven your day up by dressing-up as Eastenders characters. I know! how good? It's not really Phil Mitchell, it's my colleague wearing a Phil Mitchell mask.
Get your masks here and you can even do Eastenders invitations for all your chums. Elsewhere on the 'Stenders BBC microsite you can find other masks including Dot Branning. As a hint, you may need to enlarge the mask using various Microsfot programmes for the optimum mask to actual face size ratio.

I am an avid fan of Ebay. I just like buying things. However, (adopting Lloyd Grossman voice) who would buy a mug like this? Sold with the great caption: 'I'VE HAD BUM SEX WITH A LIBERAL DEMOCRAT'. Because you probably have. Brought to you by BEELZEMUGS 'Getting bigger with every mouthful' this delightful object is going for £4.95 + p&p. Click here to bid
or click here to check out other mug auctions including the "Ruth Kelly doesn't know I work here" mug and the News of the World "I've been made a twat of by the Fake Shiekh" mug.

This is yesterday's news, but thanks to a certain TWO RUDE TORY MEN it had to be delayed.
The Sun was quick to cover the story of jailed, King of Chavs, Mikey Carroll. As Britain's favourite tabloid reports:
"Carroll, who won a £9.7million jackpot in 2002, is serving a nine-month stretch for affray after pleading guilty last month to brandishing a baseball bat in a mini-riot at a Christian rock concert in Downham Market, Norfolk."
Hey until reading this, I never knew Mikey was a Christian. I bet he wasn't in your play Kerron...
Mikey Carroll got into trouble for getting smashed on prison-brewed hooch (generic word for booze rather than the sadly no longer in existence alcho-pop) and then shouitng, singing and insulting any and everyone at the top of his voice. No booze was found in his cell because he had drunk it all. He was subsequently stripped of his privileges, but not his burberry.
Carroll is one of the scummier people in the UK best (along with Jeffrey Archer) and is famed for his misdemeanours, which include chucking Big Macs at pedestrians (becuase Quarter Pounders aren't big enough - really!); posession of cocaine and handling stolen goods. Not to mention racing his cars, at full pace and volume, until two or three in the morning, sometimes all night.
However, Stella-necking animal Carroll has also entered the boxing ring for two celebrity fights with Rhyno (the most massive of all the massive Gladiators - awooga!). Mikey's girlfriend Sami (not sure if they're still together) said; "I am really proud that he had the guts to get in the ring. He did do some runs before the fight - but most of his training was on lager." The first fight was somehow called a draw but in the rematch, with the nation urging Rhyno to do Carroll, the tattooed, football kit wearing Chav was knocked out in Round 2.
If this isn't enough, he also tried to bribe his local Council into letting him switch on the Christmas lights to where he lives (somewhere near Norwich I think)

I was just about to do a post on Mikey Carroll, the self-proclaimed King of Bling, when a friend rang me asking to sign him in. So I saunter downstairs and am walking from Norman Shaw South to Portcullis House and am holding the door open as becomes people with manners and Messrs Cameron and Osborne barge straight past without a by or leave, nevermind a thank you.
This is not the first time I have been dissed by high ranking Tories as I have been previously shamed by Michael Howard and George, Iain and D*ckhead-Smith as reported here by the always-on-the-ball Recess Monkey. So if we accept that Gideon is to be the next Tory leader it would mean I have been victim to the lack of manners of the last FOUR (if we accept George, Iain and D*ckhead-Smith as one person) leaders.
After those TWO RUDE TORY MEN walked past, Lynne Featherstone (the always polite Lib Dem MP for Hornsey and Wood Green) looked at me - we had eye contact (in the manner of star-crossed lovers, or a hypnotist and patient) and both shook our heads at these inconsiderate people. GIVE THEM ASBOs. IT'S THE ONLY LANGUAGE THEY UNDERSTAND.
So well done Lynne and also Nadine Dorries, Tory MP for somewhere in Bedford, for saying thank you (I must have held the door open for about 10 people in what felt like waiting for the funeral cortege at the beginning of You Only Live Twice to pass).
And thanks to Cameron and Osborne you'll have to wait til tomorrow for the Mikey Carroll post.

Cilla doing her best Jack Nicholson as the Joker impression

Ever since time began Cilla (62) has been on TV. Before that she sang in Liverpool. She has fronted such programmes as Surprise, Surprise and Blind Date. However, she has been off the small screen for a number of years. Yet fear not for Cilla is back. Eating with... Cilla sees the Scouse gastronome talk about her life in relation to key foods. Sound sh*t? You betcha!
Whilst researching this post I found this rather amusing little anecdote about Cilla:

I can always remember many years ago, talking to Cilla after one of the "live " shows in Eastbourne - and I asked her if she ever thought she might forget the words of any of her songs while singing on stage.

She just laughed and said that she was more worried about singing what she was thinking of at the particular time....usually about what she was going to have to eat after the show! So she was afraid she might sing out "steak and chips!" or something! So I guess she's always been fond of her food!

Hilarious! Lovely story that.
And that tasty morsel was posted on a chatboard by a man called Ken.

Lay offs galore

It was as if Sir Alan Sugar entered Wembley looked around, surveyed the mess, found a few workers and uttered the immortal "YOU'RE FIRED". Of course not, because for all that Sir Alan is accused he is actually a successful businessman. So this must be down to the Circus from Down Under, Multiplex who have laid off hundreds of steelworkers, scaffolders and welders.
Some points become obvious very quickly: firstly, it aint their fault it's all running late and secondly who the f*ck is going to finish the job? Last week some girder fell off the roof and there are also problems with the sewage system (the last time so much sh*t was seen in Wembley was when Leicester City reached the Worthington Cup final). Unions have been quick to denounce these sackings, advising their members to continue working as their is still work to do.
What a shambles.

Update: I heard a rumour today that Multiplex had actually folded and were skint. It'll be interesting to see if there's any truth in this.

Here are a few more dire waxworks, I hope you enjoy. Skuds - if you wanna nick them just copy them off here, it's all I did off someone else's site.

OK then this is bad. There's Daley Thompson, Eddie 'the Eagle' and, believe it or not, Kevin Keegan looking like he never has before. The guy on Eddie's left, I can only assume to be Eddie Kidd in healthier times.








It's not only sports personalities who get the hot wax treatment; here's TV funnyman Jim Davidson. You can tell cos of the name plate. In the background are luminaries including Mr Blobby and Noel Edmonds (BAFTA nominee) and you can clearly see Rene Artois from 'Allo 'Allo and sign for Ewing from Dallas.




Jason and Kylie are present too. Wearing clothes donated by local charity shops. In their prime, Jason and Kylie were quite the cool kids, but according to their dress sense they were eminently responsible and enjoyed nothing more than a cup of tea and a hobnob.





And finally here she is, the best Queen we never had (joint best with that Jeanette Krankie), Princess Diana, the Princess of Hearts. I think the bouffanty hair dates this during her marriage to Prince Charles. A truly appalling waxwork made by a candle in the wind.

Worst waxwork ever?

If the above picture is accurate, Michael Owen will struggle to be fit for the World Cup. But well done to the brighters ones amongst you for noticing that the above is not Michael Owen but moreover a waxwork. Presumably a waxwork made by someone who has never seen Michael Owen. And, get this, the guy behind Michael Owen is Ian Botham.
Owen injured his metatarsal on New Years' Eve, happy days when Souness was still manager of Newcastle, Whales were yet to invade and Barney was still with the BDO. The initial diagnosis was 8-10 weeks out, as it is now the end of March it makes you wonder whether Multiplex organised Owen's health plan.
People will undoubtedly remember Uri Geller doing his bit for England by beseeching people to touch an image of David Beckham's foot on the TV in the run-up to the 2002 World Cup (it was a T.V programme rather than people having a picture of his foot on their TV) to heal Golden Balls who had suffered a similar injury. So please summon up all your GOOD energy (no bad energy thanks) and pass it to Michael Owen.

Bafta nominee Noel Edmonds

What has the world come to? BAFTAs have about as much credibility as MBEs, OBEs and CBEs (unlike becoming a Lord which is a real slog) and Britain's premier televisual awards have plumbed new depths by nominating Noel Edmonds for his role as host, smug git extraordinaire and mannequin for the visually impaired on Deal or No Deal.
Despite being an Ilford-boy, I have never liked Noel Edmonds. I think growing up in the shadow of someone dying (penultimate and one before that paragraphs) during the filming of The Late Late Breakfast Show; or was it those god-awful pullovers, the trimmed bearded (still remains) that suggested a painful history of psychological issues or just his general annoyance factor.
However after Crinkley Bottom was dropped it appeared that Noel was to be left out to pasture. But the Bearded One's now back; this time on Channel 4 hosting Deal or No Deal, which whilst being pretty good has already, in my own esteemed opinion, outlasted its purpose. How many different permutations are left? They should call it quits when Lucy eventually gets called. Poor lady has had to suffer Edmonds for months, she deserves a good bit of lolly.
Noel will go up against Jeremy Clarkson, Jonathan Ross and Jack Dee for the best entertainment performance TV Bafta. AND WE PAY OUR LICENCE FEE FOR THIS? ROLE ON TURNING 75.

He'll go when he's ready

Supposed beleaguered Prime Minster Blair fought back at all asundry who are pressing him to go.

slags

Mitchell's Phil and Grant are back in the Square and this time its personal! Proper Eastend boys, it's good to have them both back. Watch out Johnny Allan, you're dead man walking.
Please check this link for Phil having fun, or this link for a mask (I have one waiting to be donned) or this one if you're feeling brave (especially when there's Mitchells about)

5th place

Adam Rickitt, the Games wooden spoon winner and worst diver since Dider Drogba, managed to f*ck up both his eyes spazzing it off the high board - giving the Tory MP hopeful first hand explanation of "The Ayes have it". Political jargon made easy.
Over the weekend Rickitt's Coronation Street grandmother Lynne Perry (Ivy Tilsley) passed away after suffering a stroke at age 75. After leaving Corrie, Perry got temporary exposure and permanent notoriety by turning up absolutely smashed on The Word and also horribly and embarrassingly weird on Shooting Stars.

Gaf(fer)

The Jerky of the Week is back, and congratulations to the PM for winnig this one hands down. I think the picture says it all really. It makes it no easier that the Tories and Lib Dems are equally as sleazy and makes it no more palatable that Labour are now introducing some form of transparency. Shutting the door after the horse has bolted.

Is Djibril Cisse the answer to the Labour Party's woes?

Djibril Cisse, yes him of tattoos, improbable muscles, lightning speed and ability not to score against all odds has emerged as a shock makeweight in a deal that could save the Labour Party. It was Gerard Houllier who signed him from Auxerre for £14 million and with Nasser Hussain look-a-like, Rafael Benitez having already fallen out of love with him; it appears that he may be off-loaded.
£14 million. Now where's that figure familiar from? Is it the Queen's overdraft? No, I don't think so. Now come on. Think. Concentrate. 14 million...Is it the number of viewers Davina McCall has lost in the last month?
Hold on it's the combined debt accrued by the Labour Party in loans from Gulam Noon, Chai Patel, Ron Aldridge, Lord Sainsbury et al. So is there any way Benitez would loan Cisse to Number 10 (he is Numer 9 for Liverpool)? Labour could then keep Cisse on the bench for departmental questions as collateral until the monies are paid off legally?

Wayne Rooney - Forget about Springtime for Hitler, it's Goaltime for Wayne. The scene is set for the boy-wonder on the biggest stage. Unbelievable player; so strong, so skillful with great finishing and awareness. Has got over his penchant for 50 year old hookers and if he keeps his temper and doesn't break his foot again, England must feel it could be their year. Also inspired my favourite tabloid headline of the year: "Rooney: Hungrier than ever"












Michael Owen - Has more international pedigree than Crufts. Poacher extraordinaire who loves scoring goals for England. Hopefully, he gets fit soon and bangs in a few for Newcastle before spearheading England's World Cup effort. Even when not playing well, always likely to pop up with a goal or two (see evidence A: England 3:2 Argentina). Legend material even if he doesn't quite have the pace of old. And that goal against Argentina in 1998...

Jermaine Defoe - What exactly has he done to piss off Martin Jol? Spill his Grolsch perhaps? Or said he didn't like Shrek? Whatever the reason Defoe is unlucky not to be playing that regular for Spurs and looks destined to leave in the summer with high-class suitors including Liverpool. Defoe has a great eye for goal and is basically a type-for-type replacement for Owen. Not a starter but an invaluable sub who could prove crucial.

Dean Ashton - For me Ashton has done enough to pip good touch for a big man Peter Crouch to the final place in my Fantasy Squad. Ashton has been consistently top-notch for a few years. Bagging goals left, right and centre for Crewe, Norwich and latterly West Ham, Ashton looks like an excellent prospect. And don't England tend to do well in World Cups with a West Ham player up front?

Cllr you Caunt be serious

I am sorry for posting a lot on football and cricket. It’s just that I like sport loads. However, don’t think for one iota that I have lost my passion for local politics. So it’s with great joy that I turn to Dudley, the place forever damned with the Lenny Henry accent. The leader of the Council is one David Caunt, Cllr Caunt to his friends. And guess what? He’s a Tory.
This man wears his failures like a badge of honour. Recent ‘you didn’t wanna do that’ blunders include shutting the local swimming bath (inspired when we have just got the 2012 Olympics) and attempting to shut local schools (although the Schools Adjudicator has just flipped him the bird and told him he can’t – not Caunt!). However, the coup de grace is his group’s decision, after much pressure, to give the people of Stourbridge a pedestrian crossing. Good news, eh? Not when the crossing is slap bang in front of a Fire Station. Does the collective Council brain-trust think making it slower for fire engines to get to 999 calls is sound decision making?
Intensive research shows that the 4 local MPs have continually harangued and criticised the hapless loon who defended himself with the most surreal riposte imaginable. He said the MPs should keep their beaks out of it and concentrate on matters Westminster. This is the ultimate Royston Vasey approach to politics: LOCAL POLITICS FOR LOCAL PEOPLE. Ironic that Dudley Council is run by a bunch of duds. Avid politicos may be interested that in a poll taken just after the General Election, Cllr Caunt was recognised by 4% of people asked. In the same poll Peter Andre was recognised by 92%.

David Beckham - It seems so long since Beckham has played to his full potential for England. Who can forget his free-kick in the last minute vs. Greece in what was the best solo performance I have ever seen? It's about time Becks started whipping in those dangerous balls, bursting the onion bag with a Bend It Like Beckham special and playing a simple pass instead of the 60 yard Hollywood ball (we'll never forget you Ron). Has previous at World Cups so hopefully it'll be third time lucky for the tattooed superstar.

Steven Gerrard - Two words: Stevie 'fuc*ing' Gerrard. Cross your fingers, toes and handkerchiefs that Gerrard can play for England like he does for Liverpool. Needs to score more for England. Great player going forward, great in the tackle, brilliant passes, great stamina and leadership. Stevie's the man. He can also make women faint by just being in their presence and doesn't mind get punked by a little kid

Frank Lampard - The footballer formally known as 'Fat Frank' has graduated from promising fringe player to essential goal-scoring midfielder. His impressive outings for Chelsea finally convinced Sven to choose him over Paul Scholes, a decision made easier when Scholes retired from international football. Bags loads of goals for England and Chelsea, Frank will start in the middle with Gerrard, and if they fire things look good for England.

Joe Cole - Despite looking like a hungover tramp with a massive head, Joe Cole is England's most improved player of the season and has guaranteed his starting place with a number of highly impressive performances for both Chelsea and England. His finishing is still not as good as it should be, but Coles's trickery and new found strength offer England a little something extra.




Michael Carrick - Can play the holding role and can pass the ball. Carrick has really come on leaps and bounds this year at Spurs and played pretty well against Uruguay. Although Sven will perservere with Lampard and Gerrard in the middle, Carrick can actually play the holding role in the 4-4-2 better than anyone else. Yes, even better than Phil Neville or Owen Hargreaves (of whom I must admit to being a fan).

Shaun Wright-Phillips - Small enough to be included as hand luggage the little guy adds another dimension: pace. He's quicker than Tony Blair going round with a chequebook at a Labour Party fundraiser. Sorry a Number 10 fundraiser (no Jack Dromey). But at £23 million costs more! People who say he shouldn't go because he hasn't played that much for Chelsea are missing the point. His pace can really stretch defences. These foreigners don't like them up 'em.

Kieron Dyer - I am sure this selection will raise a couple of eyebrows in a manner that would befit Roger Moore or the Rock. If fit, I think Dyer should go he is really pacey and a top quality player. Despite their unquestionable talents the starting midfield 4 (Becks, Lamps, Gerrard and Cole) have misfired as a unit too many times and consequently it would make sense to have the double pace injection of SWP and Dyer. A friend of mine once overheard Dyer saying, after the 2002 World Cup, that he would never play for England again 'because they're rubbish'.

Kevin Nolan - The trickiest selection. I changed my mind on this one. Having initially decided to take 5 strikers, I am now going to go with 4 and take Nolan as an extra midfielder. Tough, uncompromising, box-to-box, goals there's not a lot he can't do. He won't make the 23 in all probability cos Sven doesn't like Bolton (for once I must agree), but with Nolan there the midfield is covered and him and Dyer can play as an auxiliary forward if needs must.

Duck! Stray arm

As inconvenient as they may be for the teams playing, I have enjoyed BBC showing the four F.A Cup matches on weekday evenings this week. However, the last two matches: Chelsea vs. Newcastle and Charlton vs. Middlesboro were on the dull side. Actually they were dull. So enter John Motson and Jonathan Pearce; two plonkers of Rodney Trotter proporotion.
After two players (sadly cannot recall who) went up for the ball one got hit in the face by the others arm, Motty declares that player one was caughty 'by a stray arm'. A stray arm? How? Did someone from the crowd just happen to have a spare arm upon their person and throw it on to the pitch to liven up proceedings? Or was it Thing from the Adams Family?
Compare and contrast this with offender number 2, Jonathan Pearce; who for some reason best known to himself insisted on continually calling Middlesboro goalie Mark Schwarzer (pronounced Schwoortzer - sort of!), Mark Schwartzer. For the unitiated of you schwartzer is the yiddish word for a black guy. Is Jonathan Pearce a yiddish speaker, or is he just a tosser? I find it well annoying when commentators pretend to be more au fait with international football by seeking to give their own interpretation to the correct pronounciation of anyone whose surname is more foreign than Smith or Jones.

Gary Neville - Dependable and ugly, Gary Neville will be England's right back. Solid in defence and a good crosser of the ball, his experience will also be crucial. Mouthy as anything, he is always likely to rile opponents.







John Terry - Should be captain, but Sven will invariably stick with Golden Balls. Inspirational for Chelsea and getting better with every game for England. Has rightly broken the Rio/Sol partnership and is a dead-on cert for starting. An excellent defender and key to England's hopes.

Rio Ferdinand - Classy. Kind of 21st century version of Alan Hansen. Classy on the ball with excellent football mind. Despite being slagged off continually in the Press, Rio's played better than anyone could be expected to when playing alongside Michael Sylvestre. His biggest problem seems to be momentary lapses of concentration, but I think his quality will prevail. A definite starter.


Ashley Cole - Injury-permitting Ashley Cole will be marauding down the left flank putting the fear of God into hapless right backs. Represents the perfect balance to Gary Neville. Missed by Arsenal and England equally when unfit, an England team with Cole has a far better chance of success than an England without him. His crap name should not be held against him.


Jamie Carragher - A Champions League winner, a quality solid centre back who can also deputise capably at right and left back, Carragher is unlucky to be playing at a time when England have such strength in depth. Committed, popular and ever-willing Carragher is ultra dependable and the kind of player Sven loves.

Ledley King - Whilst always looking impressive at Spurs, King has really upped his game and has virtually booked his place on the plane to Germany. King has been excellent whenever picked and his pace and power going forward is vital. Can also play the holding role in midfield, so Ledley would be the player in the squad as a Defender and Midfielder, therefore, making the squad 3 Keepers, 7 Defenders, 7 Midfielders, 5 Strikers and Ledley King.

Wayne Bridge - Would go as an understudy to Ashley Cole. Becuase Cole offers so much, I would feel safer having specialist back-up in the squad and Bridge has proved himself for England. I don't know why he's been outed from Chelsea in favour of his spitting image Asier Del Horno (who also seems to be for the chop) but hopefully his loan move to west London neighbours Fulham will get him games and confidence. Although, crippled by Paul Robinson it was evident that it would not have happened had Bridge been playing regularly enough to have confidence to clear it before colliding with Robinson.

Jonathan Woodgate - Despite being almost constantly injured since leaving Leeds, Woodgate is absolutely awesome and if he can prove his fitness at Real he should be in the squad. This is a big if, and it's more probable than not that he will not be fit enough to travel. If that is the case, I'd take...


Wes Brown - Although, Brown is injured almost as often as Woodgate he has started playing very well for Man Utd and is also capable of playing at right back.

Paul Robinson - Without a shadow of a doubt Robinson is the best keeper in England and when not crippling his England teammates (Owen and Bridge thus far) Robinson gives real steel to the England backline. Gone are the days of watching Seaman get progressively worse and of watching David James try harder and fail. In my opinion he is, after Rooney, England's most important player.

Richard Wright - I have always rated Wright highly, but I cannot deny that his inclusion (in my squad, it is very unlikely he'll make Sven's) is due to a dearth of quality English keepers. I cannot bring myself to put James in because of past failures and Robert Green hasn't had the best season with Norwich. The only other feasible choice would be Chris Kirkland but he is perenially injured. So for my third choice I would go for (brace yourselves Kerron and Wooter)....

Ben Foster - I have only seen him live once and wasn't that impressed (mind the other keeper that day was a decidedly dodgy Nicky Weaver), but as a young keeper with plenty of potential, he has had a strong season with promotion-chasing Watford (Come on! Stuff the Pigs and the Scum) and going to the World Cup would be beneficial. But let me say, injuries permitting, Wright and Foster would have no chance of playing.

Sven posing with Shaun Wright-Phillips' t-shirt

With the World Cup looming - now less than 80 days away - England have a great chance of winning the tournament. We have some excellent players and quite frankly some other teams are not as strong as they have been previously. But we have Sven. So let's give Sven a hand in choosing the squad because without us he will invariably include some crappy player no-one else in the country would.
After consulting with a fellow blogger and a couple of chums I will start posting on this after lunch. It should keep me awake during the Budget.

Sehwag out for a bombay duck

Waking up in the arms of a beautiful woman and hearing the words India are 92-7 on Radio 4 is the ideal way to start your day. England have achieved the highly improbable by beating a star-studded Indian line-up by a whopping 212 runs. Come on!
And this is England minus first XI players: Marcus Trescothik, Michael Vaughan, Ashley Giles, Simon Jones and Steve Harmison. England's achievement in drawing the series 1-1 in India, generally accepted as the hardest place in the world to tour, is immense. In this match England had Andrew Strauss, debutant Owais Shah, Shaun Udal, Matthew Hoggard and James Anderson all make valuable contribution. Even Geraint Jones temporarily gave up on his seemingly permanent David James impression (dropping everything near him) to snaffle at least 3 world class catches behind the stumps. And engineering everything was Andrew 'Freddie' Flintoff. Emergency stand-in captain, chief bowler, star batsman and inspired tactician. I can't praise him highly enough. Duncan Fletcher, England's Zimbabwean coach, now has a welcome selection dilemma come the summer's Tests against Pakistan and Sri Lanka.
We have 3 top quality openers in Trescothik, Strauss and Essex's Alistair Cook and combine that with a middle order consisting of any 3 of Vaughan, Pietersen, Bell, Collingwood and Shah England's batting looks very prolific. Freddie at 6 with a recalled Chris Read (touch wood) coming in at 7. Leaving 3 pace bowlers to be picked from Simon Jones, Harmison, Hoggard and James Anderson (who exorcised the ghosts of his nightmare last test vs. South Africa with an excellent performance in Mumbai) with a fit again Giles, Udal or, more likely, Monty Panesar as the spinner. The big losers will be Liam Plunkett and Ian Blackwell who sadly failed to display any of their considerable talents when picked. It speaks volumes that players who do not perform will not automatically remain in the team.
Dismissing a batting line up of Jaffer, Sehwag, Dravid, Tendulkar, Y. Singh, Dhoni, Pathan, Kumble, H. Singh, Sreesanth and Patel for 100 is almost beyond belief. And if this is the last of Udal's test appearances (and at 37 with quality alternatives it may well be) he can be rightly proud of figures of 4-14 (including Tendulkar), especially after the pasting he took in Pakistan.

Don't go to the sea with this guy

We recently got a digital DAB radio in the office, and not being the coolest of kids (no shit, I write a blog) I listened to the tunes not really knowing who was who, or what was what. Those days of ignorant bliss are sadly long gone and I wish to vent my anger in the direction of James Blunt. The mop-haired guy who sings like a girl.
Now if "You're beautiful" being the worst aesthetic song since Baby Bird's horrible "You're gorgeous" isn't enough his latest offering, "Wise Men" plunges new depths of debauchery. The first verse contains the lyrics, "And they're really sorry now for what they've done, They were three Wise Men just trying to have some fun" and you're just thinking fair play, 3 lads having a laugh, enjoying the craic and they're sorry; just forgive them. But then it emerges, in the chrous of all places, that "Those three Wise Men, They've got a semi by the sea."
I'm none too sure this is what our youngsters need being transmitted over the wavelengths. It's the lunatics running the asylum.

One of this lot is Doina Melinte. I know it's not barefoot Zola Budd (number 283) but it could be any of the others. Using the national colours I'd guess 641.

Let's get something right straight off. Crime isn't funny, big or clever; it doesn't pay. Unless you keep an eye on Romania. Seriously, if it's a laugh you're after Romania's the place. Whether it's football teams struggling to get the concept of the Euro and dealing in meat or Priests getting sexual and political post-Ceausescu Romania is certainly quite the hot-spot. And it is with this firmly in mind that I was not surprised to discover that 1984 Olympic gold medallist Doina Melinte was recently mugged and the muggers outran her! Sadly, no longer quite the athlete she once was, Melinte (49) could not stop them. That's age and the fact that she is no longer pumped full of the various illegal drug concoctions for which the Soviet bloc are so fondly remembered. It remains undisclosed whether any of the muggers set personal bests (PB).

Accrington Stanley milking it

Boy 1 enters shot, puts ball on top of fridge, and opens it

Boy 2: "Got any lemonade?"
Boy 1: "If you want!" (he takes a bottle of milk from the fridge)
Boy 2: "Milk.....Ugh!"
Boy 1: "It's what Ian Rush drinks."
Boy 2: "Ian Rush?"
Boy 1: "Yeah, an' he says if I didn't drink lots of milk, when I grow up I'll only be good enough to play for Accrington Stanley!"
Boy 2: "Accrington Stanley? ... Who are they??!"
Boy 1: "Exactly!"

Boy 2 tries to get to Boy 1's milk.

Boy 1: "Nah, gerroff!"
Boy 2: "Gimmie some!"

Yes, the immortal advert for milk which entered Accrington Stanley into the folklore of everyone aged more than 24ish. And now Accy find themselves on the brink of regaining their place in the Football League after having been relegated in 1962. The kid in that advert is now a manchild called Carl Rice and he was invited to the recent home match vs. Stevenage (1-1) as a sort of guest of honour.
After a little bit of digging I found a couple of facts about Accy. Firstly, Accrington F.C (not Stanley, but another Accrington - same place, different team) were one of the original 12 Football League teams. However they dropped out of the league in 1893 (only founded in 1888), and folded shortly afterwards due to financial problems, thus giving Accrington the distinction of being the only town to have lost two football league clubs.
Famous Accrington peeps include Ronnie 'the Rocket' Baxter and Mystic 'happy medium' Meg. So congratulations and any team whose renaissance is in part due to the money gained through a percentage sell-on clause of Brett Ormerod is alright by me.

A bit of emotion in a manager?

With the World Cup about 80 days away and Sven going just after England flatter to deceive and get to the Quarters (actually I think we'll win the World Cup. Despite Sven rather than because of him) the question remains as to who will succeed Svennis. Sir Trevor Brooking recently returned as a pundit on the Beeb and when asked about the managerial position, helpfully said that the successful applicant could be English, British or foreign. Thanks for clearing up that it won't be a Martian, Trev.
To be brutal, Curbishley and McClaren are not good enough. Allardyce would turn the team into Bolton and that would be a disaster for England. Pearce is not ready. This leaves Martin O'Neill (the Beeb's fave); Gus Hiddink and Luis Felipe Scolari.
I will say now it has *got* to be Big Phil. Not only does he look like Gene Hackman, but he has a knowledge and passion for the English game. I remember him once citing Brian Clough and Notts Forest as inspirations. I think he meant Forest late 70s model rather than the current Division 1 fodder. He has emotion, of which I think England are in desperate need. An unnamed England player (generally thought to be Graham Le Saux) commented that at half-time during the England vs. Brazil 2002 Quarter Final England needed a speech befitting Winston Churchill and what they got was Iain Duncan Smith. And the Brazilian coach that day? Scolari, of course. And who won the World Cup? Brazil.

You know that thing about no cheap Lib Dem gags? I couldn't resist

And if you're wondering why Michelle Gayle isn't in the top 2, it's because she's a lovely person; her sweetness is her weakness.

High Voltage

Terrestial tv has recently been invaded by sport and this, of course, is no bad thing. Normally. Personally speaking I have no time for the Winter Olympics and, whilst enjoying England and Scotland's successes in the Commonwealth Games, am quick to notice that very few 'decent' sporting countries are left in the Commonwealth. It's nice to see the Isle of Man getting a gold medal in the velodrome and a decathlete from Guernsey is currently 5th (although I think he is representing England). England's Dean Macey, an Essex boy from Canvey Island, is currently leading the decathlon, but it is the chap in the picture who was quick to grab my attention with one of the daftest name you'll ever see: Brent Newdick. Still it did make me laugh and splutter like Finbar Saunders, which is always good.
If that is the silliest name, then the silliest moniker must go to Julia Goldsworthy over on Channel 4's The Games. After three events Julia is joint top with Javine 'the Machine'. However, she is introduced as Shadow Chief Secretary to the Treasury, Julia Goldsworthy MP; which really does make her sound silly. Everyone knows it should be Shadow Shadow Chief Secretary to the Treasury. However, no cheap Lib Dem gags here. With her and Javine in the lead it is a two horse race and only Goldsworthy can win here (or there in Sheffield).
I am really enjoying the Games thanks to Jamie Theakston's insincere comments after every event (by the way a chum of mine clean bowled Theakston a few years ago), the ever-excellent Steve Bunce on colour commentary and Adam Rickitt, the Tory MP hopeful and late addition as replacement for Goldie (the gold-toothed Drum'n'Bass ex-Eastender) who pulled out with a fractured thigh bone (ouch!). Whilst all the other male weightlifter contenders were lifting about 65-75 kgs, Rickitt lifted 47 kgs as his heaviest, which I am reliably involved is the weight of a bag of feathers. Actually, I helped the beloved with a flat-pack bookcase from Argos on Saturday that weighed about 20 kgs and that was pretty heavy. Any-the-how, in keeping with British athletics tradition you get an extra point for setting a Personal Best (PB). So it doesn't matter that Rickitts lifted loads below everyone else. He automatically gets a point (for coming last) and an extra point for his PB. And also of amusement is Bernie Nolan getting drunk and slating everyone off.

Awesome picture cortesy of Cricinfo

S.K. Warne will go into history as the greatest spinner the world has ever seen. I just think the guy is fantastic. The pressure he puts on to the whole opposition batting line-up when he comes on to bowl is almost impossible to quantify. Whenever Warne came on against England in the 2005 Ashes, England fans jumped behind the sofa and watched through their fingers convinced Warne was about to rip through the plucky English batsmen. He did, but ultimately with Glenn McGrath injured it was a sysiphean task too far). 40 wickets in 5 tests remains a sensational and remarkable achievement.
I think he's a great guy, plays the game with a smile on his face, but still manages to sledge everyone. Just sheer class. And his middle name is Keith.
However, the great man outdid himself during the currently ongoing First Test between Australia and South Africa (Nelson Mandela, Jan Smuts, Peter Hain, Steve Biko, Chris Barnard your boys are taking a hell of a beating) with a juggling act of Coco the Clown proportions. Jacques Rudolph, the Proteas left-hander, nibbled at a Michael Kasprowicz delivery edging it at regulation height and speed to bucket-hands Warne at slip. Momentarily it looked like Warne had dropped a sitter (just like at the Oval - the infamous "You just dropped the Ashes") and was about to fall on his arse and look like a fool. However, as he fell backwards with the ball still in the air he managed to kick it to Adam Gilchrist, the Aussie wicketkeeper, who snaffled a simple chance. Shane Warne, you are fantastic. Long live the king. If anyone gives a sh*t, I'll be doing a post on the current best Test XI in the world. Guess who's my spinner?

MakeFashionHistory

Labour MP for Manchester Gorton, Gerald Kaufman is a colossus of the Labour Party having been elected to the House of Commons in 1932. A lesser-known fact about Mr Kaufman is his truly individual dress sense.
In Recess determined staffers should base their operations in the Terrace Cafeteria and eventually their patience will be rewarded by a vision that you need to be seated to survive. For Garald Kaufman has some of the most colourful jumpers in the world. As the nursery rhyme now goes: "Bah, bah rainbow sheep".
Today, a suited and booted Gerald Kaufman astounded, and shocked, people eating their lunch. Friday's wardrobe was a checked suit together with stripey shirt and brightly coloured 80s tie combo.
Showing journalistic talents that my careers advisor at school never foretold, I quickly garnered the opinion of STAFFERS (copyright of Monkey). All staffers have asked to be given nom de plumes in case Gez buys them all a jumper.
A source close to the bar said: "He looks like a tit"
Long-time collaborator, and deviant, Brandy Nipples declared: "If it were a food stuff, it would be offal. Even my battered fish shuddered as it caught a glimpse of that tie!"
L'ecossaise simply stated: "It hurts"
One fine lady who was busying herself with dowsing the fire in her mouth caused by the Terrace's Sweet Chilli Sauce was too upset to speak. She has now become a mute.
If anyone has photographic evidence of aforementioned crimes against fashion, I'd be eternally thankful, if not I'll just make something up.

Still a long way to go

Fifa, football's international governing body, has announced that it plans to introduce tough new laws to punish clubs where fans are guilty of racist abuse. Well about time. Whilst not up to the levels of its salad years of the 1970s, racism is still evident in football.
The most high-level incidents of racism have centred around Samuel Eto'o and Marc Zoro. Both were racially abused by opposing fans. Eto'o was taunted by Real Zaragoza. Not once, but twice. The first time around Zaragoza were fined a paltry 600 Euros (£400), for this season's offering Zaragoza were given a 9000 Euro fine (£6,000). An absolute scandal. Ivory Coast international Zoro was harangued during Siena's match with Inter Milan and he was to leave the pitch before being convinced to stay on.
Spanish 'fans' booed and made monkey noises at England international trio Rio Ferdinand, Ashley Cole and Shaun Wright-Phillips, in response World governing body FIFA imposed a paltry £44,750 fine on the Spanish FA for the abuse, a punishment which attracted widespread criticism.
Spain serves as an interesting example and their manager certainly leads from the front. The Spanish coach Luis Aragonés escaped without censure after he was recorded telling winger Juan Antonio Reyes that his Arsenal team-mate Thierry Henry was "a black shit". Aragonés sought to defend himself diplomatically by telling Spanish newspaper El Mundo: "Reyes is ethnically a gypsy. I have got a lot of gypsy and black friends. All I did was to motivate the gypsy by telling him he was better than the black." And this guy is not fined? Or sacked?
Other incidents in recent memory include Real Madrid being fined for racist chanting and Nazi salutes against Bayer Leverkusen in November 2004 and in the same month Sparta Prague getting punished for monkey chants against Lyon in the Champions League. And, of course, Paolo Di Canio twice doing Nazi salutes to his team's fans claiming it not to be racist but fascist. Oh well that's ok then.
The horse has already bolted and I hope this measure by the EU does stem the tide. It is the 21st century and people still think it fine to racially abuse footballers. The initiatives will see new penalties imposed ranging from match suspensions to point deductions, and even, for repeated offenses, relegation.
The tougher the measures the better. Ron Atkinson was fired for calling Marcel Desailly "a f*cking lazy nigger". In his defence he didn't know it was being recorded. Jeez Ron, you used to manage the Owls so I got a big soft spot but you can not say stuff like this. At least the punishment fitted the crime instead of what some of our European comrades seem to be doing by burying their head in the sand. But then with Sepp Blatter at the helm I am sure something will go wrong.

Davina: Soon to have ratings only Channel 5 could have dreamt of"

As previously blogged the BBC's Davina has bombed worse than the RAF over Dresden (or is that better?). Last week's all-time low was smashed last night as Davina grabbed a personal best (worst) as her show had 2.3 million viewers. A BBC spokesman said he was "standing by the show" - standing by, but not watching it appears. Perhaps standing by, pointing and laughing?
This weeks celebrties included Michelle Collins and Cyndi Lauper (April 2nd is the 22nd anniversary of Lauper's appearance at the original Wrestlemania. When celebs appear on WWE shows it usually marks that there star is in descent.) No, I can't quite put my finger on why the a*sh*le has fallen out of the figures. Is it the nowhere near A-List celebs, or the host, or the total lack of originality?
Coronation Street trounced Davina by 400%, and if that isn't embarassing enough she was also soundly beaten by religious series A Seaside Parish on BBC Two.

'Paint' making mythology cool again

A while back I wondered which one was going to go. Well it's Tony and Sir Ian who are out of the blocks quicker than Ben Johnson (the disgraced Canadian sprinter rather than the great seventeenth century dramatist, poet, and wit) and leaving Lionel trailing in their dust.
So which one has Damocles' sword dangling above them (mythology in a blog, that's cool) is it Sir Ian 'shoot 'em down' Blair or Tony 'Of course it's a Labour Bill' Blair? William Hill has slashed the odds of Tony Blair standing down during 2006 from 2/1 to 6/4. However, 2007 remains the 6/5 favourite year of departure. I could not find any odds for Ian Blair but it seems there is a lengthy queue of people willing the sublimely media non-savant Commissioner to go.
I'll stick my next on the line, and sit on the fence.

Deadline approaching

It will soon be the annual House of Commons Darts competition. Whilst the pool tournament has taken place in the cosy and selective Annie's Bar; the darts are thrown in the Sports and Social, a pub which is open to all.
To enter the competition please email hoftonc@parliament.uk and the deadline is this Friday. All entrants must be Sports and Social members, which costs £5 a year.
A particular plea to Researchers and Caseworkers. Last year there were only two such combatants, one of whom has since left. It'd be nice to have a more reflective tournament. Indeed, in my first tournamnet I played in the doubles with an anonymous blogger (Recess Monkey) and crashed and burned in the first round.
There will be mens and womens singles and a doubles tournament.

p PICT: rubbish again

This email came through this morning. Yep, PICT's service has returned to normal, which means nice long waits in a queue with the same crap tune in the background followed by some ham and egger singularly failing to help, despite their best efforts.
So thank goodness, it's business as usual...

OJ: both Simpson and Orange Juice both deeply unpopular

"I'm parched" said little Charlie, "can i have some fruit juice please?". "Of course, you can Charlie. Here you are." "Thanks mummy (takes sip). WHAT THE F*** IS THIS?" "Calm down Charlie, it's grapefruit juice; but I do have some pomegranite and loganberry cordial if you'd prefer". "Would I b**l*cks, where's my orange juice? I hate you" shouted the irascible little upstart as he stormed off to his bedroom.
The above is a work of fiction, of course. But in a sick twist of fate, fiction imitates life and the unbelievable has happened: for the 6th year running orange juice's share of the fruit juice market has fallen. With the new fruit on the block being the apple. In fact, is apple the new orange? HOW DO YOU LIKE DEM APPLES?
Since 1999 orange juice sales have been on the slide. Orange juice still remains the biggest juice drink, representing 69% of sales. But the new century has seen a steady decline in dominance, down from 77% in 1999. Orange Juice was so popular that there was a band of the same name - headed by Edwin Collins - in the 1980s.
ASDA served up a vision of the future when it decided, due to falling sales, to axe Sunny Delight from their shelves. Whilst largely unproven, it is thought that too much Sunny Delight in the diet can cause an orange form of suntan.
Oranges are not the only fruit...

Wanna smash his face in?

Watching highlights of Sunday's Manchester United vs. Newcastle match like thousands of other people, I wished I could play football like Wayne Rooney. Sadly, as with most people who think this, I have no talent. Not only did Wayne bang in two goals and be all-round awesome, but on the stroke of half-time a corner was cleared and Rooney connected with a netbuster volley.
However, the net didn't bust; instead the volley hit football's Mr Ugly (and Dot Cotton look-a-like), Gary Neville flush in the face, pole-axing the hapless Man Utd skipper in a manner any Liverpool fan would be proud of. To make things even better Neville did that great comedy fall where his prone figure is faultlessly symmetrical. He then gets up and jogs back to right-back, ruefully rubbing his chin as everyone else laughs.
A real kodak moment, but sadly one I'll never be able to recreate (unless in later life Gary Neville falls on really hard times and volunteers to recreate the moment for filthy lucre, which, let's face it, is pretty unlikely); so conceive of my delight upon my stumbling to this site courtesy of some ingenius Liverpool supporter.
Smack him til your heart's content.

Money for nothing

So a guy donates £100,000 to the Labour Party and then loans them £1.5 million and, without his knowledge, is then nominated by-said Labour Party for a peerage. Whilst opponents of the Government will be apopletic in their protestations of corruption and 'typical Labour' guffawing, I think this is important beyond the media's one dimensional ratings/circulation-based offerings.
So Prescott doesn't pay his Council Tax? Blunkett was in Belgravia until Guido kicked him out (single handedly), goodness only knows (but anyone can guess) what Jowell/Mills have been up to, didn't John Reid pay for his pad through some off-shore fund?
The question isn't so much as right and wrong, but of perception and frankly I would be nice if Labour cut the bull and we returned to the halcyon days of Tory sex scandals and gun freaks
And to finish the sorry scenario, it appears the Lords Appointment Commission, which vets nominations for peerages, is said to be against Dr Patel's candidacy. Why don't you just cut his hand and tip salt and lemon into it too???

Ken Livingstone's favourite band

Of course, I am referring to Goldie Lookin Chain and not the Greater London Council. The Chain are basically awesome and it's a shame they have been dropped by their record label, Atlantic Records, especially when comparing the fates of the Ordinary Boys and the GLC after both had representatives in the Celebrity Big Brother House (Preston and Maggot respectively) The South Wales street collective are still going to release a single on the band's own label Gold Dust hoping to follow-up the success of songs such as Your Mother's Got A Penis and Your Missus Is a Nutter.
Now if I was in the music management business and, let's face it if I was I wouldn't be doing this blog, I would withdraw GLC from the public eye immediately. Let them simmer for a bit and then bring them back as the GLA. Now that would be Safe as Fuck!

shady

It was documented last week that George Galloway had been given a show on TalkSport, the #1 independent radio station in the UK. I'll declare a couple of things before I getting flowing: I don't like George Galloway and I love TalkSport when they talk about sport when it goes poltical/social/current affairs I switch off.
I am sure many Labourites will be righteously slagging off George without having tuned in to his show, equally I am sure his Respect apologists would come from the diametric opposite side. Well, I did tune in on Sunday evening.
Galloway is a thought-provoking man, with beliefs and principles that he holds firm. He does struggle if anyone disagrees with him though. This was evident in Celebrity Big Brother when he saw every other housemate as stupid and inferior. Sadly, he was probably right. He has the method of just cutting people off and not letting a different opinion being heard down to a t. Slightly dictatorial perhaps? However, people who phone into TalkSport to discuss things political tend to be stupid and the sooner George recognises this, the brighter his radio future will be. However, this approach is not unprecedented. DJ assholes such as James Whale, Ian Collins and Mike Dickin are exactly the same. The difference being that Galloway himself is a smart guy, but the biggest difference is that whilst Messrs Whale, Dickin and Collins are horribly right-wing and bigoted; Galloway is equally bigoted but left-wing instead. Strange for TalkSport where membership of the Hitler Jugend is an advantage rather than essential and where presenters are vetted for any liberal sentiment.
So here's the rub. If Galloway could gets his head out of his own derriere and talk on broad subjects from a left-wing perspective the show has potential to redress the balance. As it is it will be George Galloway as a show pony, a bitter man discussing only Middle East policy issue, which as important as it is; doesn't flick my switch for Sunday night entertainment.

Aussie disbelief as they score the highest One Day International score ever. And lose.

Whilst England crumble to Kumble in Mohali, a match of unparralelled exictement and high scoring was taking place at the Wanderers Stadium, Johannesburg. With a reputation for, and a proud history of, exciting matches things are never dull in the Wanderers. This, however, is something out of pure fiction, apart from that it happened.
Australia posted a humongous 434-4 (Gilchrist 55, Katich 79, Ponting 164, Hussey 81). It was such a startling total. Even with a lightning fast outfield and a short(ish) boundary on one side, the ball whizzed to - and over - the ropes at an unerring rate. So after posting the highest international ODI score ever, the Aussies were then remorselessly thrashed around by South Africa in what must go down as the most impressive innings ever. They won with a ball to spare totalling 438-9 (Smith 90, Gibbs 175, Boucher 50*).
The stats speak for themselves, but despite this I am still going to talk about it because, to reiterate the point, this was a record-breaking match of proportions so epic Castle, Akabusi and Baker could never contemplate.
The two innings scores were the highest ever in ODIs; the toal of 872 runs scored is, therefore, a new world's best ever by over 100 runs. Spare a thought for Mick Lewis. Lewis was called up for the injured Glenn McGrath and was smashed all over the place to have figures of 10-0-113-0. A new worst ever, surpassing Muttiah Muralitharan's recent 10-0-99-0. Even in my worst spell of left-arm, slow, not turning, long hops, donkey drops and full tosses could I do as bad as that. Granted, I've never bowled at anyone good. (In fact my most succesful spell was a few overs bamboozling a 12 year-old before having him snaffled at short mid-wicket). Herschelle Gibbs' 175 enters the top international, individual scores ever. The total of 26 6s and 87 4s over the two innings is also a record.
And if any proof was needed why this wouldn't happen in England allow me to tell of my experience. After getting up at 8:30am to listen to the England vs. India test on Radio 5 live extra (no comment), I went with my girlfriend to Covent Garden and as she entered some cosmetic boutique-thingy, I saw a big screen with the Aussie vs. Proteas cricket on as it was approaching its epic crescendo. Result! Divine intervention to such an extent that I could have been cajoled into believing in God (I think that's more blogger's licence than actuality...) Being a great boyfriend, I tell my beloved to take her time. After a ball (one f-ing ball!) some nob turns it over to the last two minutes of Man Utd vs. Newcastle. What kind of putz would do that???

He's all heart

In what I am keenly anticipating to be the worst TV programme ever (even worse than that abysmal Paul Burrell series teaching Australians how to be royal Princesses), Paul Danan is returning to our screens.
Yes him of cheesy grin, formerly of Hollyoaks and Celebrity Love Island will be fronting this new series in which he will be playing Cupid. The self-confessed ladies man will track down companions for a group of single men then date them first to see if the couple would be compatible. Danan (26) will assess the love requirements of a group of bachelors before travelling across the UK to audition and date potential suitors.
It sounds like something out of a Recess Monkey sales-pitch of a Friday night (obviously in years gone by mate).
I have been fortunate enough to see some trailers for this epic and it is basically Danan wearing a variety of garish, crap clothes saying "Yeh she's fit" a lot and flicking his fingers above his head, the way that people do (does it have a term? I'm sure urban patois has evolved sufficiently to cover this most common of dorky activities).
Oh well, you have been warned!

Would anyone called Keith please raise their hand?

The leading test wicket-taker of all-time, the man who breathed life into cricket and almost single-handedly reinvented spin bowling has a secret. Despite successive keepers Ian Healy and Adam Gilchrist continually shouting "Bowled Warney" or "Well bowled Shane Warne" it never came to light that the K in S.K. Warne stands for Keith.
Well, that's a crap name.
Know of any others sportsmen with crap middle names? Post it in the comments.

Update: Well not quite as interesting as Kerron's mate Alfonse(????) - see comments, but a man who's a cricketing oracle around these here parts has informed me that Dennis Lillee' middle name is also Keith.

Davina McCall = Worst ever BBC ratings

I'm not sure I can be objective on this one, I really really can't stand Davina McCall. I really dislike her hosting style. Constant shouting and screaming.
She hosted the perhaps most-stupid-idea-for-a-programme-ever-ever in "He's Having a Baby". However, not to be put-off by a flop of impotant proportions the BBC bean counters decided in their infinite wisdom to give Davina her own chat show. Entitled "Davina". BBC 1 controller Chris Fincham commented: "Since Michael Parkinson left we haven't had a chat show before the news that's in peak time...I think Davina is rather special and viewers really like her. I'm really glad she's here." Has this guy been sharing Pete Doherty's bong?
Amazingly, "Davina" wasn't the saviour of the Beeb and the notion of this show adding a bit of Saturday dazzle to Wednesday evening was somewhat dampened when the debut show was defeated in ratings by Channel 4's "Relocation, Relocation" - and that with stellar guest like Vernon Kay, Tess Daly, Charlotte Church and Julian Clary. That's gay Julian Clary, rather than Tory MP for Guildford, and Clary look-a-like, Anne Milton.

















The latest episode of "Davina" tanked badly in fact BBC1 recorded its worst ever peak-time performance on Wednesday - thanks in part to Davina McCall's increasingly unpopular chat show. Even with grade A celeb guests like Jordan, Girls Aloud and Eamonn Holmes viewing ratings are dropping off quicker than octogenarians in a bitter winter.
Over the next fortnight some form of sanity prevails with the showing being put forward to accomodate football.

The Coat of Arms as it was

Desperate beyond irritation at the lack of newsworthy happenings, I stumbled across an article on Coats of Arms. Not any Coat of Arms mind, but that of Venezuela.
The modification of the Coat of Arms will see an extra star added (in tribute to Simon Bolivar) and also the white horse galloping left instead of right. Last year President Chavez dismissed the horse image saying "it's not even Venezuelan, it's an imperialist horse". Ermmm, ok. Additionally, a machete, a bow and arrow and tropical fruits and flowers will also be added to the Coat of Arms to represent Venezuela's rural peasants and indigenous people.
Continuing on his equine line of argument, Chavez says "This is a horse being reined in, someone is holding him back, they put him looking into the past" - that a horse with many hidden qualities. The fact that the horse will be galloping to the left is coincidental (as coincidental as it is subtle) although Deputy Cilia Flores declared: "If the Venezuelan people want to interpret the direction of the horse as a political message, fair enough." Such previous pseudo-sub-conscious-but-really-painfully-patently-obvious-left-wing-symbolisms (one word) include Oskar Lafontaine (ex SPD Chancellor candidate and current chief of the Left Party) who titled his autobiography "Das Herz schlaegt links" - "The Heart beats on the Left". Anatomically sound and, for a German, downright hilarious. However, Oscar Perez, leader of the small opposition group National Resistance Command said: "This is a whim of the President to change the position of the horse on our national coat of arms just because his daughter asked him to" - yes this idea seems to stem from Chavez's daughter, Rosines. Thank goodness in a bout of rebelliousness Prince Charles never asked the Queen to change the background of the Union Flag to burberry.
Of course, changing your Coat of Arms is a waste of money, a sign of gross vanity and something that wouldn't happen in Britain. Or would it? Congratulations to the brain-trust of the Tory group of Redbridge Council for spending £90,000 on their own rebranding (which obviously is a drop in the ocean to their propensity for splurging millions on consultants)

Gorgeous George: Face for radio

George Galloway, the Scarlet Pimpernel of the House of Commons, has devised a new wheeze so as not to properly represent the good burghers of Bethnal Green and Bow. Not satisfied with making an absolute mockery of democracy in the Celebrity Big Brother House, the Gorgeous One will soon be debuting on TalkSport, hosting a weekend evening phone-in.
As he continually spouts, "I've got a reputation for speaking my mind, and even my worst enemies couldn't call me a bore." No, an egomaniac tosser would be closer, and I'm not even his worst enemy. Because basically as bad as George is, I have always found him easier to tolerate when he's not talking about the Middle East. Especially when compared to the right-wing lunatics who currently host non-sport related shows on TalkSport. Of course, I am thinking of monumental a**holes like James Whale, Ian Collins, Charlie Woolf and Mike Dickin.
And I am sure Georgey is only too happy to be accepting the Murdoch Shekel.

Fangs for the memories

This morning I woke up and after a shower listened to Radio 4's Today Programme for a bit. I was astounded to hear a hagiography worthy of North Korea FM about Garry Richardson. Initially, I must admit I thought it was an obituary, but no it was a tribute to commemorate his 25th anniversary working for the BBC. I was even more astounded when a work colleague sent out a mass group email about the self-same subject. My colleague, Baby Bovine, even went so far as to call Garry Richardson "the malign influence at the heart of British sports journalism." A harsh assessment, but ultimately accurate.
Baby Bovine spluttered on "Why the rogue 'r' in his name? Why? Why? WHY???" - his consternation best shown by the repeated use of the word 'why' finally in caps lock, which I am led to believe denotes shouting.
After scratching the veneer of Gal's respectability, it becomes apparent that he started work for Auntie in 1980 - any self-respecting mathmetician would see that 2006-1980 = 26 and not 25. However, the Gordon Poole Entertainment Agency proudly boasts that Garry has worked for the BBC for 30 years.
Mentioned interviews included a 'hilarious' interview with Bill Clinton at Wimbledon during a rain break. It is to hilarious what Cliff Richard's infamous, impromptu sing-a-long is to British culture. Then there was the 'infamous' Anna Kournikova interview, when she was quite clearly fed up with Garry's tepid and pointless questioning and reverted to single syllable answers. And then the Alec Stewart interview, which was basically some absolutely hammered Aussie pretending to be Alec Stewart (an ex-England cricketer). Unbelievably, Garry didn't pick the obvious Aussie accent and the single worst impression of anyone ever, and continued conducting the interview until his producer told him to sort it.
Radio 4 attempted to pass him off as a much-loved, British institution. Well, for my money, as far as much loved British institutions go he comes in right after the Child Support Agency. The only positive to be drawn is that Alan Partridge is based on sports commentators like Garry Richardson, who have no knowledge, or experience; but somehow are allowed to ferment and pollute our radio frequencies ad infinitum.
Click here to sign a petition to get rid of Garry.

An illusion shattered?

There really is nothing to report today. What a dull day. So thanks to Brandy Nipples for bringing this to my attention. A theory has been put forward that the Monster is no Monster, but rather than sightings being fabricated or just floating logs; Neil Clark, curator of palaeontology at Glasgow University's Hunterian Museum says that Nessie may actually be an elephant, or several elephants at different times to be precise. Apparently, circuses used to be all the range in Scotland (before the discovery of the deep fat fryer) and the elephants were allowed to swim in the Loch (which, on a side note, is more than Dudley Council allow children to do in their own pool!). However, sightings of Nessie date back to the 6th century, a time before circuses and possibly even before Carneys (circus folk, small hands, mell of cabbage) and recent sightings would also not be clarified by this explanation.
When asked whether Nessie existed Dr Clark said: "I do believe there is something alive in Loch Ness."
Which sort of disproves his theory? So it appears Nessie is destined to be an unexplained mystery in much the same way as Juan Sebastian Veron's inability to play well in the Premiership.

German hearse driver in need of 'Respect' agenda

Found out about the interesting case of a 42 year old hearse driver in Krefeld, Germany, who was arrested for driving a hearse whilst inebriated. Or as Americans would say he got a DUI.
The hapless hun (to go all Daily Mail)got drunk after being invited back to a wake by a grieving widow following her husband's funeral. When stopped by the Police (the pigs variety rather than Sting and that bloke off Just the Two Of Us) the drunk driver started a fight and bit an officer several times in the hand. Apparently the driver was dead drunk. It was his first time driving in a funeral procession and had never had a reHEARS(E)al. The officer said: "The hearse driver nearly fell over when he got out of the car. Then he had to hold onto everything he could find as he stumbled to the house."
He faces assault and drink driving charges, but in a progressive move German authorities have vowed not to shoot him dead.

Down with the kids, the So Task-Force Crew

Any old Tories? Any old Tories? Any, any, any old Tories? so the old song goes. David 'call me Dave' Cameron has found a new job for Old Tory, Michael Heseltine: to head the new Cities Task Force. Yes, it's safe to go out again; cos Dave's Tories are nice!
Erstwhile, leader of the Tories, George Iain and Duncan Duncan-Smith is head of the Social Justice Policy Group and, to complete the unholy triumvirate, Ken Clarke heads up the Democracy Task Force.
OK, so this is what the people of Britain are facing? For those of us with a memory span longer than that of a goldfish it appears almost foreign for the Conservatives to give any time to Inner-City regeneration, Social Justice and Democracy. Surely this is not a case of spin (spin is a b*stard thing invented by Messrs Blair, Campbell and Mandelsson).
Future Conservative groups are rumoured to be: The Future Task Force (chaired by Annesley Abercorn); The Anglicism-is-too-Liberal Task Force (headed up by Anne Widdecombe), the British Sword of Truth Task Force (step forward Jonathan Aitken) and the Reality TV Task Force (an honour thought to be jointly bestowed on the Hamiltons and Derek Laud)

Mick McCarthy scratching his head

Poor old Sunderland. As vociferous and passionate as their supporters are they are destined to be relegated with the worst ever Premiership record, beating the previous record set by...Sunderland (last time they went down).
I can remember that season vividly if for no other reason than this picture that was circulated at the time of Comical Ali's 15 minutes of fame












This season Sunderland have won 2 out of 28 league matches and been knocked out of the cup by the Mighty Bees of Brentford. They have scored 19 goals thus far compared with Chelsea who have scored 56 goals.
When mentioning Mick, it would be remiss of me not to blog the infamous McCarthy/Keane bust-up of the 2002 World Cup which concluded with Keane saying:
"Who the f*ck do you think you are, having meetings about me? You were a crap player, you are a crap manager. The only reason I have any dealings with you is that somehow you are manager of my country and you're not even Irish, you English c*nt. You can stick it up your boll*cks."
I love that quote even as anatomically incongruous at it is.
See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya.

Larry David: Not on the cheap

Killing time in my nearest town, something I try to do as infrequently as possible, I went into Woolworths and browsed the DVD section. Sweeping past the usual offers at over-inflated prices (crap stuff costs more at Woolworths) I stumbled upon Curb Your Enthusiasm: Series 3 for £12.99. Having just ordered the second series off Ebay for about the same price I thought fate was smiling on me. Fate then flipped me the bird when I went to buy the DVD. It wasn't in stock (why's it on the shelf for sale then??) but they could order it and have it delivered to my house for the same price. Quids in.
However, fate then saw fit to moon me when the sales-girl checked on her system and explained that it would actually cost £18.99 with an extra £2 for post and package. She helpfully advised me to pop back in on Wednesday to see if they had any more in stock. Tempting as it is to take a day off work to go to Woolworths I fear my bargain buy is destined not to happen.

Dark satanic Mills

I am sure he's done nothing wrong. Disagree? Well, shut uppa your face. If he is guilty of something he shouldn't have done, what a mistake-a to make-a.

Update: Follow this link to hear Monkey and Guido's latest pubcast. Very eerie, very Godfather.

Update 2: Due to marital developments the title to this post has been slightly amended from its original submission. Can you spot it?

Citius, Altius, Fortius. Now what's latin for inspiring pointless EDMs?

Sometimes when the muse takes me I have a squizz at EDMs and pick out the sillier ones. Here's my offering today:

EDM 1716:NORDIC NATIONS PERFORMANCE AT THE WINTER OLYMPICS

That this House congratulates Sweden's achievement in winning the Olympic Men's Ice Hockey competition and its neighbours Finland on winning the silver medal; and notes that, although the Nordic nations' population is 24.5 million, they achieved a total medal haul of 42, whilst sending 298 athletes with five nations in five teams to the Games compared with the population of Great Britain at 60 million, sending only 39 competitors and winning only one medal with three nations in one team.

This put down by Angus MacNeil, SNP Member for Western Isles. Let's just have a think. Scandanavia does better than the UK at the Winter Olympics? It's hardly surprising, is it? You know, Scandanavia is freezing. It's climate and geography (loads of hills and mountains and stuff) are more inclined to producing Winter Olympians than places like say...Milton Keynes and Welwyn Garden City.
On an interesting side point, someone (so interesting I can't remember who) said that the Winter Olympics were slightly fraudulent (Ok this isn't verbatim and is my interpretation), the 5 olympic rings represent the 5 continents and the Winter Olympics do not give a fair crack of the whip to Africans and (the Chinese and Japanese aside) Asians. Not too many Australians either. I agree. Abolish the Winter Olympics and just have World Championships.
Secondly, true fans wanted Finland (the best team since Emilio Estevez's Mighty Ducks) to win the Ice Hockey and will not congratulate the bastard Swedes.

By no means insinuating Chris Huhne is gay

An analogy, if you will kindly permit it: Ming has won. Ming used to be a sprinter. The Liberal Democrats are third. Is this the first time a Scot has won a bronze medal?
Liberal Democrat MPs, organisers and supporters were quickly knocking up a few bar-charts and Focus newsheets, but the news was inescapable; they're still third. All sillyness aside, I wish Ming and his shadow, shadow cabinet well. I hope even more that I've heard of some of them.

I am not 2 numbers, I am a 6ft 7 free man

Good touch for a big man, Peter Crouch came off the bench to score his first international goal last night. In the ultimate little and large partnership (besides Little & Large, Laurel & Hardy and countless others...) Crouch together with Shaun Wright-Phillips changed things around after their second half introduction. (The below pic is not from last night, but beautifully and accurately shows the excellent height differential between the two subs)











As you can see from the main pic, big Pete had number 12 on the back of his shirt and 21 on his front. I would stop a bit short of the BBC's Graham Le Saux in exulting this as "fantastic", but would admit it was mildly amusing.

Fowl-up

Have been trying to catch as much 'Stenders as possible recently and have been enjoying the marital turmoil experienced by Martin and Sonia. For the unenlightened amongst you, it is not a marriage made in heaven; moreover a marriage consumated in Walford.
A few days ago I had a dream that everyone was shouting in the exact tone of Martin Fowler. I don't know how I recognised the shout as that of Fowler perhaps you'll permit me to put it down as dreamatic licence.
Yet on telling a comrade of my dream, I was startled when she replied that she too had a dream about the fruit and veg seller; namely that he had four penises. What a very strange dream to be having.
So have you ever had a dream about Martin Fowler? Have any of your friends? Please let me know.

Come hither young man in football kit

This is manna from heaven. I was having a brief look on the Working for an MP website and came across a job opportunity from a company called Projecting Politics. Intrigued by the rather snazzy graphic, I looked at the job and to my amusement I found that all you had to do to prove yourself as a writer to encourage youthful participation was to write 250 words on a subject (either for or against) of your choosing (from a provided list). One of the subjects is: Mark Oaten should be Leader of the Liberal Democrats.
Hmmmmm, let me think.
Submissions should be sent, with a C.V and covering letter, to projectingpolitics@hotmail.com by 5pm, Thursday. That's submissions, not submissives...

Will be sadly missed

I was really sorry, and shocked, to hear that Linda Smith has passed away due to ovarian cancer. Simply put, whenever I saw her on TV I always laughed. She was the most under-rated comedian in the UK. The argument continues as to why comedy is dominated by men, and still no-one cares; basically if someone is funny they're funny and Linda Smith was hilarious.
Various guest appearances on panel shows such as QI, Have I Got News For You, Mock the Week and Room 101 (the funniest episode I have ever seen). She was a regular on Radio 4 shows such as Just a Minute and the News Quiz, as well as her own series A Brief History Of Timewasting.
There will be a special tribute edition of the News Quiz this Friday at 6.30pm presented by Andy Hamilton. And Mark Steel will pay tribute to Linda on tonight's Front Row at 7.15pm on Radio 4.

Some quotes (and tell me you haven't thought the same about Tim Henman):

On Jesus: "We know he wasn't English, because he wore sandals - but never with socks."

When it was mooted the Duchess of York might be taken off the Civil List, she imagined her on a council estate: "I can't afford shoes for the kids: I've had to send Eugenie to school in skis."

On her hometown, Erith: "They had a competition to find a new name for the Erith Leisure Centre. The winning name was 'The Erith Leisure Centre'."

On WMD: "I sympathise with people trying to find them. I'm like that with scissors - I put them down, then search all over the house and never find them."

On the tennis player, Tim Henman: "He's the human equivalent of beige."

The Hunt for Bin Laden

It's official Bush (and Balir for that matter) have no idea where he is. On a quick flying visit to Afghanistan, Dubya answered a question about Bin Laden's whereabouts by saying something like US forces are on the hunt and Afghani forces are on the hunt. Why doesn't Dubya put Cheney on the hunt.
Not only would he catch Bin Laden, but also pump him full of buckshot, later inducing a heart attack. Just give him his gun and an updated duck quacker which sounds like an extemist preaching terrorism. Problem solved.