Barry's Beef

Beef Discontinued

2007-07-30T21:30:00.000-12:00

The passing of Mike Reid and Shambo serve as the last straws, I'll leave you with my favourite two posts:

The Bobby George Interview

and the Lieutenant Gruber Interview that took the world by storm

It's been fun, but I'm now off to become a teacher. See you.

The reason behind Sven's failure as England manager becomes apparent

2007-07-18T02:38:00.001-12:00

You can't play Brazilians, Swiss or Italians in your national team.

The new and improved safe, reliable and comfortable...escalator?

2007-07-18T02:24:00.000-12:00

It's a fucking escalator. Just get it working. How much money has been splaffed up the wall in the making and maintenance of Portcullis House? I mean how many times does one or tother of the kitchen's functions break down? I did like the recent return to paper plates. What with the furore of Lords getting passes for lobbyists and the massive impression this can make on clients, perhaps the national media should shift her attention to where the poor sup could actually go.
There are the non-functioning toilets, the escalator that doesn't escalator (not forgetting the lifts that do not lift) or my personal favourite the trays in the Debate that are practically welded together.

Labour: the Party of Keir Hardie, Quentin Davies and Digby Jones

2007-07-12T01:31:00.000-12:00

Suffice to say the lack of blogging here recently has, in part, been due to the Labour Party deciding to become a National Government. Some have rejoiced (no, really) about Quentin Davies defecting, like it's anything for Labour to be proud of. I mean he's not Labour. And Digby Jones?
I'd say I was surprised, but I am yet to get over my disgust.

Get Well Soon

2007-06-19T09:22:00.000-12:00

Here's wishing John Bardon, aka Eastenders' Jim Branning a swift recovery after suffering a stroke.

Turning Nice Girls Naughty and Nice Guys Stupid

2007-06-14T22:09:00.000-12:00

Always brave and ready for change, I got this new Lynx deoderant. Turns nice girls naughty? Wowsers! I'll admit that it wasn't having the desired effect. I walked around much the same as ever without women throwing themselves at me and proclaiming their unbounding lust. The mechanism on this deoderant is annoying, in fact the constant evolution of the spray mechanism on deoderant cans is a bugbear to me. What is wrong with simply pressing down I ask you? Alas, the gods of marketing think otherwise. Anyway, this one is a screw to the right and then press down jobby. After a few goes the can got fucked, in that half the deoderant came out as normal and half kind of trickled down my hand. So I took the lid off it and saw that if I manually put on the plastic...thingy and pressed it'd all be fine. Yet, one morning I managed to put the plastic...thingy on and press at the same time thereby deoderising my eyes. Note to readers: don't ever do this, it stings like fuck.

Piggy bastards

2007-06-12T22:48:00.000-12:00

Today's the day when the Piggys come to Parliament. As you can see from this photograph, they've really turned out in force. That must be about 50, which makes it one of their bigest crowds this season. Please also note the dust-cart driving right past them, how very prophetic. Bunch of twats, fuck off back up the M1 and stop crying like whiny little bitches. Your team was rubbish and that's why you went down. And where are the other supporters? Where's Fulham? Middlesbrough? And Mr Fucking Big Gob himself: Dave Whelan? Is this was British democracy has been reduced to? Makes me sick.

Last night's TV

2007-06-12T22:12:00.000-12:00

The very definition of modern, televisual irony must be Amanda Holden and Piers Morgan on the show Britain's Got Talent, unless talent involves banging Bob the Builder or publishing wholly inaccurate pictures in a 'leading' UK tabloid.
Channel 4, above such frippery, offers us Big Brother with about a dozen Vicki Pollards yeh but no but yeh but no but yehing until the start crying. Channel 4 has two feasible choices:

1) Fake the death of one of the twins without telling anyone apart from the 'dead' twin. Remember: death equals ratings.

2) Cancel Big Brother, evict every last deviant and twat and buy back the rights to the cricket.

And then there was Derren Brown who, let's face it, is the man. The highlight was when he was describing this dude's dream and had predicted an old woman would figure. The guy said an old friend of the family, who had recently shuffled off this mortal coil, was present. He said her name was Mrs *bleep*. Now this confused me somewhat? Was it to protect her privacy in death, or was it that her surname was actually something rude like Cunt for instance. "Darling, old Mrs Cunt is coming round for dinner tonight"

Deputy Leadership suggestion

2007-06-12T01:22:00.001-12:00

With Tony Blair, our soon to be departed Prime minister, rumoured to be entering the Catholic church, it could well serve a purpose if the Labout Party adopted a bit of papal protocol. No, I don't mean tacitly approving of the Holocaust, but rather the billowing of smoke that signals that the conclave has decided on who the new Pope will be.
People will have noticed that the colour of this whole Leadership thingy has been purple. So if only the Labour Party could figure a way emitting purple smoke from 10 Downing Street? Well you could always feed the outgoing DPM some baked beans and then cast him outside, I supppose?

Chinese attempt to introduce child labour as an Olympic sport

2007-06-11T06:01:00.000-12:00

There really has been a load of old toss sprouted about the Olympics. I blogged on it a bit ago and still feel the same. Today, however, it comes to light that whatever faults the London 2012 organisational committee have, they're not resorting to underhand tactics like our Chinese Comrades.

I can see the slogan now:

London 2012
Beijing 20 08 year olds working 20 hour shifts making all the merchandise

I should work in marketing

Down and Out in Paris and London

2007-06-06T23:08:00.000-12:00

The euphoria of London winning the Olympics is a thing of the past. It's costing too much, it's only going to benefit London, my Council Tax is going to go up, Britain will win fuck all, robbing Lottery funding from charity, responsible for the spread of Aids/Cancer/Whooping Cough...I've heard it all, and largely I've ignored them. I still laugh at us sticking one over the French, but Jesus H. Christ, what the shitting hell is that logo? I once blogged on the ridiculous, Goleo mascot for the German World Cup* and was worried that the mascot appeared to be wearing no trousers and have no...bits, however it didn't look like Lisa Simpson blowing Bart (through rose-coloured spectacles obviously). And speaking of Bart, I would like to thank Parliament's very own Bart Simpson - no that's his chosen alias - for sending this delightful and accurate image.

* It's a really poorly written post, but is redeemed by Kerron's rant in the comments. Really toys out of the pram stuff. I'd totally forgotten, but it reaches nastiness levels normally reserved only for McDonnellites...

The Queen Vic

2007-06-01T04:07:00.000-12:00

As some of you may know, I will be leaving Parliament at some point soon and embarking on a new career in the teaching profession. Yes, it'll be Sir Barry to you. I hope to teach history and like to think that I already have a working knowledge of British History, for instance I know that Queen Victoria was named after a pub in the East End of London. What I didn't know, however, is that Queen Victoria was black. What you didn't either? Well, I saw this and asked the Count to take a snap-shot...AS PROOF. Well, it's a lesson I'll be sure to teach those kids: you live and you learn.

Predictions

2007-05-31T03:49:00.000-12:00

Before the season started I somewhat stupidly predicted who I thought would go up and go down. The result below demonstrate why I am not a betting bovine, aside from the odd game of poker.

Barry blogged:

Premiership:

Chelsea (champions)
Man Utd
Arsenal
Liverpool

Wigan (relegated)
Watford (relegated)
Sheffield United (relegated)

Ok, so not so bad here. The top 4 unsurprisingly was right, just in the wrong order. I think acceptable. As for relegation, well Watford went down quicker than Divine Brown whereas the Pigs gloriously went down on the last day of the season. Wigan survived by the skin of their teeth. I'll predict now: Wigan going down next year.

Barry blogged:

Championship:

West Brom (champions)
Birmingham
Southampton

QPR (relegated)
Colchester United (relegated)
Barnsley (relegated)

No accounting for the Baggies choking so bad. Birmingham did finish second and Southampton made the play-offs. I wrote this pre-Keane so don't feel bad about missing out Sunderland.
Colchester were the biggest surprise in English league football last season and having watched them trounce Wednesday 4-0 on a shitty Wednesday evening, I can testify that they're pretty good. QPR were rubbish and in John Gregory they have a hopeless manager. The highlight to their season was a mass brawl between their reserves and a load of Chinese players. They're just a small team in Fulham. Barnsley just about survived, although a last day 7-0 caning by West Brom bodes perfectly for next season.

Barry blogged:

League 1

Nottingham Forest (champions)
Swansea
Bradford

Millwall (relegated)
Cheltenham (relegated)
Rotherham (relegated)
Orient (relegated)

Forest chucked it away. They should have gone up automatically and then should have gone up through, or at the very least made the Final of, the Play Offs. Frankly, they should be ashamed. Swansea finished one spot out of the play-offs, but Bradford let me down big time. Crap for the whole season they went down comfortably.
Millwall's season picked up and they finished an encouraging 10th under the stewardship of ex-Wednesday #2, Willie Donachie. Cheltenham are useless and I'm surprised they survived but with Kayode Odejayi signing for Barnsley today, they'll be there or thereabouts at the bottom come next season. Orient were lucky to have 4 worse teams in the league. They finished 5th bottom. Poor Rotherham. The Dingles tried valiantly, got safe, got very safe and then lost and lost and lost and capitulated: a team in very real danger.

Barry blogged:

Swindon Town (champions)
MK Dons
Accrington Stanley
Darlington

Macclesfield (relegated)
Stockport (relegated)

Swindon went up thanks to ex-Owls supremo Paul Sturrock. A great man. MK Dons lost in the Play-Offs. Accrington were sadly dire and Darlington never got it going.
Macclesfield looked dead and buried, but Paul Ince lived up to his 'Guvnor' moniker and worked his magic. Stockport, perenially crap, flirted outrageously with the play-offs and Jim Gannon's team were unlucky in the end.

Proper Beats

2007-05-31T03:27:00.000-12:00

We all remember Eric Cantona doing a flying kick into the Palace end, but this one has a certain I don't know what that makes it incredibly immense. The closest thing to this I have ever seen on a football pitch would be when Toni Schumacher absolutely mangled that French substitute in the '82 World Cup. Anyway, enjoy.

Another Summer, another England Test Match Series

2007-05-24T21:17:00.000-12:00

We have all had our own experiences but, to my mind, there is no more a fickle mistress than the English cricket team. Today sees the start of the Second Test Match against the West Indies and after the First Test only two things emerged: English weather is still shit a characteristic shared by the bowling attack, Monty aside.
When Hoggard pulled up early doors, things looked glum for England. Paul Collingwood bowling second change? Hmmmmmm...maybe this attack is going to struggle to get 20 wickets. As it transpired they toiled away to get the 10 wickets they managed. With Hoggard out, you would have expected, ok crossed your fingers and hoped, that Steve Harmison and Liam Plunkett would step up to the plate, which to be fair they did. They just weren't successful. Between the two of them over both innings they bowled a combined 77 overs conceding 293 runs and taking 3 wickets. In the words of the greats, let's break it down: that's 77 overs at 3.8 runs per over, getting a wicket for every 97.66 runs conceded with a strike rate of one wickets every 154 balls, or 25.66 overs if you prefer metric.
Freddie is missed for sure, but without Monty we would have been in so much trouble against, well, it's not the most inspiring West Indies batting line-up. Yes, they boast Gayle, Sarwan and Chanderpaul but it's a long way short of Haynes, Greenidge, Richards, Richardson, Hooper, Lara and all those others who I have seen pulverise England in my formative years.
So what to do? Here's the tricky bit. Rumours that 'White Lightning' Allan Donald is to be the next England bowling coach are encouraging and show that the bowling is in desperate need of a shake-up. The age-old quest to find a bowler who can bat at number 8 (in England you'd be more likely to find the Holy Grail) has been ditched to finding bowlers who can 'bowl in the right places', 'in the corridor of uncertainty' or basically fast and straight.
The inclusion of Ryan Sidebottom, belatedly making his second English appearance, offers England someone who can bowl straight and is consistent, he is also a left-hander who will add variety to a samey attack and has experience of Headingley having come up through the Yorkshire youth system and into their first XI.
However, these problems are not only found in England. With Warne and McGrath retired along with the, as yet, last greats of world bowling: Ambrose and Walsh; Wasim and Waqar and Donald, there is only Murali, Shane Bond and probably Mohammed Asif left (Pollock, Kumble and Harbajhan aren't what they used to be). Batsmen should be filling their boots and they have: look at England. We have Strauss (test average 42.66), Cook (46.42), Vaughan (42.94), KP (50.50), Collingwood (44.58), Bell (45.52) with Trescothick at a measly 43.79 hopefully to return. I would play five batsmen with Freddie (32 with both bat and ball) at 6 and Matt Prior (147...really, ok after just one Test but still) at 7. Let's be modest then and say that the five batsmen will score 40 each (conservative estimation given that they all average higher than 40) and Freddie and Prior score 30 each. That'll give you 260 and hope that the last four can nurgle 40-odd. So this should be the bare minimmum an England side batting first should score. For the non-batting bowlers you'd have Hoggard and Monty and then who? How long does Harmison stay in the team on reputation? Will Plunkett and Mahmood ever be anything more than worryingly inconsistent? Will James Anderson ever be as wicked as he was when he first emerged on the scene? Will Sidebottom take his chance and stake his claim to a permanent spot? Is Stuart Broad as good as he looks? Will Simon Jones ever be fully fit again?
Basically, it is time for the batsmen to carry the bowlers: we need five bowlers so the batsmen have got to knuckle down and do their job. The bowling attacks are more playable than for the whole on the 1990s so come on England, score loads.

Ben Furber is my best mate, you can be too.

2007-05-18T22:29:00.000-12:00

A little known fact, but I love Ben Furber. For this reason. For plenty of other reasons look here.

Is Islam the answer?

2007-05-16T00:46:00.000-12:00

I'm not much one for theology and I can't say I have sleepness nights or anything, but is there a right religion? Are Jews the chosen people? Are all Sikhs descended from warriors? Do Hindus get reincarnated? Do Mormons in training get a suit allowance? Was Buddha really so tubby? These are the questions that have vexed our generation and all those before us, and dare I say will continue to perplex for the rest of humanity.
Yet this was emailed me by new Beef Source Dave, and it quite clearly puts things from a different angle. Well put it like that and I guess you're having the best of the argument thus far. But one issue I must take issue with: "The Western nation is one with a history of failure, and future of failure". No way man, what about iPods and Sky Plus? PS3 and Satellite Navigation? I'm also not 100% how a nation of modesty can so readily big itself up. But, as I say, I'm no theologist; suffice to say that there are some crazy folks out there.

Open question for all Deputy Leader hopefuls

2007-05-16T00:43:00.000-12:00

If I promise to vote for you as Deputy Leader, how low will you demote Patricia Hewitt? Yet another condescending and wholly inadequate performance from the Heatlh supremo.

Update on Colin

2007-05-16T00:41:00.000-12:00

Uber-Pig and total fuckwit, Neil Warnock has deserted the sinking ship, HMS Piggy Bastard. Whatever. One picture will serve fine. The look on the hapless goon's face: Yes Colin, an ex-Blunt sent you down and an ex-Wednesday manager is laughing at you in your sty.

Two assholes, one ring.

2007-05-14T23:36:00.000-12:00

I don't like George Galloway. I don't like John Gaunt. They hate each other. This piece that I have gratuitously lifted from the Independent was passed on to me my Big Johnny

New father Galloway throws down the gauntlet
By Oliver Duff
Published: 15 May 2007

Trouble brewing in the sweaty corridors of talkSPORT. Two of the radio station's presenters, the cat-impersonating MP George Galloway and the ranting Sun columnist Jon Gaunt loathe one another. Galloway says he has tired of Gaunt's goading and wants to shed the right-wing motorgob's blood.

"He called me a coward," says Galloway, once an amateur boxer in Dundee. "So I've thrown down the gauntlet to him: five rounds in [the Bethnal Green boxing venue] York Hall with a referee of his choice and proceeds to a charity of his choice."

The MP says he received a text message on Saturday from someone purporting to be Gaunt, "saying that he didn't like the [suggested] Queensbury rules and that he'd prefer a sumo wrestling contest". Galloway, who was last night "watching Raging Bull and shadow boxing in the corner", adds: "I'm going to chase that wee fat piggy."

Gaunt hid from my calls yesterday. He "despises" the Respect MP, dismissing him as an "anti-American, anti-British buffoon". Galloway, in turn, considers Gaunt's opinionated discharges "crypto-fascist ... like Richard Littlejohn, without the intellect and the wit".

Pandora will be there ringside with the water bucket and bloodied sponge, collecting the broken teeth to give away as reader prizes.

As an aside, I take this opportunity to congratulate Gorgeous George on becoming a father for the second time. At 12.20pm on Sunday, in the Chelsea and Westminster Hospital, his partner, Rima Husseini, gave birth to a baby boy. Fidel?

Jog on Meacher. Jog on!

2007-05-14T21:46:00.000-12:00

Time to get on the Tinnies

2007-05-13T04:06:00.000-12:00

It is with great relish that I report the Pigs going down. They should make tomorrow a Bank Holiday. West Ham do the double over Premiership Champions Manchester United and the Piggy Bastards blow it massively. Biggest team in Yorkshire? You're having a laugh. Bye bye Colin.

No, I'm not sure why either...

2007-05-11T03:24:00.000-12:00

I got a frenzied(ish) email from a mate asking me to ring him...ON HIS OFFICE PHONE. I duly rang, not quite knowing what to expect; so I was surprised when after the usual pleasantries he started talking about a steak sauce he'd cooked. I'm no great gastronome and, frankly, as happy as I was for him I didn't know why he was telling me this. Well, he asked me to put it on my blog. No, I still don't know why either. The below is a cut and paste job of the recipe. What a Fanny (Craddock). Feedback welcome, I suppose. Just remember not to make any misteaks.

The Danny Read Steak Sauce Sensation

"Slap it on your steak and smile"

Ingredients: Half white onion, 5 shallots, half yellow pepper, 1 green chilli, 5 mushrooms, 6 cherry tomatoes, redcurrant jelly, tomato puree, red wine.

Heat some oil in a pan. Meanwhile, chop the vegetables into very small pieces.

Put all the chopped veg in to the pan and stir for 3 minutes on a medium heat.

Put 1 ½ teaspoons of the redcurrant jelly into the pan and stir in.

Put 1 ½ to 2 teaspoons of tomato puree in and stir in

Add a splash of red wine and stir in.

Let simmer for 10-15 minutes, stirring occasionally.

Pour over your steak and try not to come in your pants. It will be difficult.

He's having a mayor

2007-05-11T02:19:00.000-12:00

Courtesy of the Guardian's Small Talk, I found this critical appraisal of London Mayor, Ken Livingstone. I don't know, but it really made me laugh.

What would you put in Room 101?
[Long deliberation] If I was going in the room I'd want a telly I suppose. [Slightly depressed] Put a telly in there.

Eh, no, this is something you can get rid of!
Oh right, okay - so it can be anything I want to get rid of (increasingly excited). Ken Livingstone. Because I drive in London every bloody day, and every bloody day I pay the congestion charge, and every day I sit in traffic. And I hear this gobshite going on about how he's making London easy to get into. Ken Livingstone without a doubt.

Candidates for Northern Ireland?

2007-05-11T01:28:00.000-12:00

What with the most coveted job in international football now being up for grabs, I would humbly like to put up two candidates: one unlikely, the other ridiculous.

Tony Blair - 'Peace in our time' soon to be moved upstairs of the Labour Party FC. Blair has the experience and is a man-motivator. Keepy-uppy with Kevin Keegan displayed his prowess and panache. With Northern Ireland still able to qualify for the European Championships (read it and weap Macca, oh shit I'm English...) Blair may well feel the hand of history on his shoulder.

Sven Goran Nokia - Well Northern Ireland did turn England, under the expert tutelage of the Svengali, over. It would be a right laugh though, innit?

Sanchez does the dirty on Northern Ireland

2007-05-11T01:06:00.000-12:00

It has just been confirmed that Lawrie Sanchez will take over permanently at Fulham, albeit on an 'indefinite, rolling contract' and cease to be the manager of Northern Ireland. Maybe he thinks that with the North being higher ranked than their Republic counterparts and Northern Ireland still being in the mixer for qualification for a major championship that he has gone as far as he can?
Expect Sanchez to sign David Healey and Steven Davis. I'll make a prediction that he won't last that long, a season and a bit, tops. And a message to whoever gets the Northern Ireland gig, pick Chris Brunt

Yet another reason to watch Eastenders

2007-05-11T00:46:00.000-12:00

So Blair goes, as everyone knew he would, and suddenly the whole world stops. Meacher keeps on hanging on like a limpet waiting for someone to strike a match under him. Ok, but life goes on, no? Well it does in Albert Square, a principality in East London that in over 20 years has not been canvassed, despite a future Labour MEP having lived there for a couple of years.
Eastenders, clearly sensing the nation's malaise, has commissioned two new characters...both of them Mitchells. Pleasingly neither of these ladies are bald. Roxy and Ronnie Mitchell will be cousins of Phil, Grant and Sam and will be played by Rita Simons (don't know her, but she is the niece of Sir Alan Sugar) and Samantha Janus. Inexplicably, Hello's website (no scrimping on research) have posted a really bad photo of her.
The eyes of chaps (and some ladies, I'm sure) who grew up in the 90s will light up like a Christmas tree, Cheshire cat smiles all round. Game On!

Blair today, gone tomorrow

2007-05-09T23:08:00.000-12:00

Calling someone the best-ever Prime Minister is such a silly idea; one man's meat is another man's poison and all that. Of course, he's the best thing to happen to Britain for decades, but that is because before him Britain suffered under 18 years of Tory evil. Of Tory policies designed for the rich and their mates. A Government fascinated by the price of everything and the value of everything. A Government that ripped the heart out of numerous communities and numerous industries.
Talk of Blair's legacy is equally daft. The only Prime Ministers in recent times to have left a legacy are Churchill, Attlee and Thatcher. Churchill for World War II, Attlee for the Welfare State and Thatcher for stealing our milk. When Lady T passes away, and she will, loads of people will be happy, very happy and will remember every single callous, heartless decision she took. Now that's a legacy. Blair? He was just a man doing a job.
Just one more thing though Tony...BACK MCDONNELL

Owls fly the nest

2007-05-09T21:03:00.000-12:00

Super ugly Chris Adamson, generously labelled on Wikipedia as the 'worst goalkeeper in the English league'*, is one of five players not to have his contract renewed**. Joining Adamson are Steve Adams, a man with an intimate knowledge of the treatment room; Barry Corr, who will porbalby sign permanently for Paul Sturrock's Swindon; Andy Broadbent and John Hills, who I rate quite highly but who has been injured for most of the season.
Four players have been offered new contracts: club captain Lee Bullen; superstar Deon Burton; shit-hot Steve McLean and youngster Sean McAllister***

* before some goon removed this deserved epitath.
** this is not hte first time Adamson has been released by Wednesday, but last time Sturrock failed to get a back-up keeper and ended up re-signing the hapless one.
*** at the ripe old vintage of 28, I can call him a youngster.

A case of Moore being less

2007-05-09T00:17:00.000-12:00

Octogenarian prick, I mean institution, Sir Patrick Moore has vented his spleen (due to fury rather than age) in the direction of women. Man's man Moore says that since he began working in television the standard of programming has worsened. Some people might agree (although personally I think a reality TV show to find the next Superhero is the zenith of televisual capability) but Moore puts the guilt firmly at the feet of one set of people. Yeh, it's women. Women those dirty, lying, hard-nosed bitches have only gone and ruined it all. Logie Baird would be spinning in his grave (or rewinding and fast-forwarding perhaps?).
Anyway to the wise sage's words: "The trouble is that the BBC now is run by women and it shows: soap operas, cooking, quizzes, kitchen-sink plays. You wouldn’t have had that in the golden days." Ok then tv fans, a quick quiz:

1) What was the first British soap opera?

2) Who hosts the four largest viewed cooking programmes?

3) Name 5 quizzes hosted by women

4) What the fuck is a kitchen-sink play?

5) In the 'golden days' did millions of poor saps tuned in to 'The Sky at Night'?

Answers at the bottom.

"I used to watch Doctor Who and Star Trek, but they went PC - making women commanders, that kind of thing. I stopped watching" continues nut-job Moore. I don't like Dr Who and have commented on it before here quite near the bottom of the interview, but the whole thing is worth a read if truth be told), but I recognise that this Tennant Doctor is a bloke. His assistant is a bird, but haven't they always been? And Star Trek? Well if that's what you're into watching I don't think it matters if the Commander is a bloke, bird or someone with a cornish pasty implanted into his forehead. It sucks more than a WAG after a handbag.

Sir Patrick (How did he become a knight of the realm? Through being old, sexist or having appeared the most times on Through the Keyhole?) also believes that Eastenders is realistic. Have a look at this? Is this realisitic? Fucking hell, you're spending too much time looking up telescopes or kaleidoscopes or whatever the fuck you do.

1) Coronation Street. First broadcast in December 1960 and devised by Tony Warren. That's Tony as in Anthony and not Antoinette, i.e. a man.

2) Anything with Gordon Ramsey (man), anything with Jamie Oliver (man with big fat tongue), Can't Cook Won't Cook hosted by Ainsley Harriot (man with shiny head) and Saturday Kitchen hosted by Anthony Worrell-Thompson (1/2 man, 1/2 weasal).

3) The Weakest Link and...

4) No idea

5) Yes. I imagine the only good thing about the Tory-inspired three day week was not having to watch this toss. And Brian May (guitarist in the worst band in the world ever) is a frequent guest.

Whatever happened to good-sportsmanship?

2007-05-08T22:43:00.000-12:00

In case these esteemed people are reading, I would like to convey the following messages:

Jose Mourinho - you spent loads, lost the Premiership, got knocked out by Liverpool...again, sold loads of players because you wanted a slim-line squad and then moan like a c*nt when it all goes Pete Tong. Stick to going to WWE events with your kids.

Alex Ferguson - we know you are great. You also have Wes Brown, John O'Shea, Darren Fletcher and Kieran Richardson in your first-team sqaud and expect to win the Champions League. Not so great, eh? Also Michael Carrick is the single most over-rated player in England, surpassing even the rotundness that is Frank Lampard. Given these MISTAKES you think you can turn around and be dismissive of Liverpool's chance of beating the team that beat you like a dog? Prick.

Arsene Wenger - just because you have shat out this season, please don't think anyone likes you at all. You are a lying tossrag. I didn't see it. Someone try and run him down then.

Rafa Benitez - please stop trying to look like Nasser Hussain

Sven Goran Nokia - please, please, please, please apply for the Newcastle job

Steve McClaren - Resign and do some reality TV. Like Big Ron Manager.

Glenn Roeder - Oh Glenn, I will miss your small mouth and your woeful team. If I had a shit defence the one thing I would certainly do would be to continue playing Titus Bramble.

Brian Laws - You are the man!

I used to be a cockney, you know?

2007-05-08T22:35:00.000-12:00

It's always good to see Eastenders branch out after leaving the show. I mean, I think I even saw a trailer for the Bill with one of the Ferreira clan getting run over. Thank God for the Equity Card.
But I am particularly happy to see Kat Slater, I mean Jessie Wallace, back on our screens. It's relief indeed that she isn't typecast. Oh no. She's playing a slightly tarty, bawdy and jovial vamp. Home from home, eh?

It's Great When You're 28

2007-05-07T23:58:00.000-12:00

Wassup homies? It's me, it's me it's that Barry B.
So this one's for all my freaks in cyberspace.
It's been a while now, no? You been missing me? Well I been missing y'all too.
But never fear the smile is back, I'm hot to trot.

SHOCK HORROR - Glenn 'the Smallest Mouth in the Premiership' has been axed as supremo of Newcastle United. His replacement will be notorious big-mouth Sam Allardyce.

Wednesday finish in 9th place. Highly credible and we're on the up and up.

Since the last time I blogged it's nice to see that the Deputy Leadership campaign is *really* hotting up. Sheesh kebab, it's hot. Who'll get my vote? Well, let's just say it's all to play for, and I hope they're just limbering up at the moment.

Oh yeh and McDonnell for leader. If that clown Meacher gets more votes and Maccy D has to back him, it's over. The game is over.

Facebook is still the greatest site in the world.

Michael Vaughan is injured again.

Duncan Fletcher has been given the old heave-ho with Peter Moores becoming the new big cheese. Also good to see, ex-Zimbabwe and Essex star Andy Flower appointed as his deputy.

Cricket season is back on.

And finally Neil Warnock is still the biggest c*nt ever. Come on Wigan, stuff those Pigs and then West Ham can get a point off United and send those Piggy Bastards down.

Time to go...perhaps.

2007-04-03T21:40:00.000-12:00

You may have noticed that this site has not been updated as much as it should have been as of late. Basically, I really can't get into it and it's kind of...how did Recess Monkey put it?...oh yeh, "a beast you need to keep on feeding". I may be back after Easter, I may not. If not, it's been good.

What if the Internet was a bit older?

2007-03-29T22:31:00.000-12:00

I remember the first time I saw Trainspotting. It was immense, good tunes, loads of drugs, random violence. This was 90s Britain! Of course, we all remember Tommy who in the film is a clean-cut, fitness freak who descends into a heroin addled hell, culminating in HIV.
Still, could have been worse: what if he got addicted to Facebook? Since joining Facebook, I have not added a shave or a square meal, it is more addicitve than Stick Cricket. I now talk incessantly about Facebook. What a jibbering wreck, I have become.

Be careful what you wish for

2007-03-29T02:50:00.000-12:00

So Stevie Mac doesn't care what people write? Well that's handy. Another woefully, inept performance last night. Even after having my senses dulled by alcohol and fish goujons, this sucked. Macca do the right thing, put your hand up and say you are not doing a very good job. Then consider very carefully whether you, in your heart of hearts, think you're up to the job. If you are, then please demonstrate it soon. At your own convenience, of course. If, on the other hand, you feel incapable of doing the job, feel you are not cut out for it, out of your depth and totally clueless (perish the thought) then go. Resign. And go back to some poor unsuspecting team. Seriously, you're making me feel all nostalgic for Sven, I have never heard so many people say that they don't care about England. This is down to you. And the players naturally, but mostly you. How have you managed to get Rooney playing quite so shockingly? Why on Earth, do you think England might be a better team with Phil Neville around (even Sven had the sense to drop him)? Now that you saw Stevie G boss the show from the middle will, you please not put him back on the wing? Finally, if we don't have quality strikers, why do you continue to play 4-4-2? If you want to play Frank and Stevie G (which you so obviously do) why don't you play a five-man midfield? God's sake, I'm just a jobbing blogger but there are loads of us who really think you're crap and you're dragging our country down with you.

What's in a name?

2007-03-28T22:00:00.000-12:00

I thought I'd chuck one of my many useless facts at Mummy Beef and told her that Northern Ireland were now top of a qualifying group for hte first time since 1988. Clearly impressed, she hit back with: "Yes I saw that Dennis Healey scored twice last night".
Made my day.

To be frank

2007-03-28T00:59:00.000-12:00

Good news! Tactical genius and all-round superb choice as national manager, Steve McLaren has had his midfield selection dilemma solved by Frank Lampard pulling out of tonight's match with a...fractured wrist, please no jokes. I think this will mean I'll watch the match tonight. come on England.

p.s Genius Lampard pic was lifted from an old Guardian gallery.

Barry's homage to Vodafone, his very own 121

2007-03-27T03:27:00.000-12:00

You know things are getting back on track when you start hitting the big darts, the big finishes and the crowd starts to dig it. To set the scene it was a winner stays on between myself, the Lord Lucan and Deep V. Things started to hot up when Deep V, out of nowhere, banged in a 138. Up to the oche stepped 'the Hotstepper', my Ini Kamoze inspired darts nickname, and replied with a 121 outshot. Nice little treble 20, treble 15, double 8 (see pic). Thanks and goodnight. Up stepped the Lord Lucan who spanked a 140, 'the Hotstepper' responded with a 123 (narrowly, very narrowly missing out on a first ever maximum). Left on 115 and buoyed by my earlier outshot, my hopes were dashed by Lucan taking out 74. This is unheard of darts. Deep V then vanquished the Lord Lucan with a double 17 out. Deep V then fell victim to a double 16, first dart out and point combo.
Then off to the Rugby Tavern, Holborn for top of the table Wednesday's game against Leicester City. I think I have some previous with Leicester. I think I have previous with most of the teams due to my habit of losing my cool at times. Believe, I'm always cool though. Well, I contributed to Wednesday quickly finding themselves 3-0 down (my part of our doubles leg will go down in the books as a really, really bad leg of darts), 3-0 rapidly became 5-1 and the Owls were staring down the barrel of an old-fashioned kicking. I then found something approaching form and won my singles after my opponent had, what must have been, over 30 darts at the double. Single 10 and double ten pulled it back to 5-2 and then two more legs reduced the deficit to one. Sadly, it was a bridge too far and the next leg went to Leicester and the victory was theirs. Wily Foxes. Beer leg went to Wednesday though, so the night ended on a high. Literally.

Reasons to smile

2007-03-26T03:49:00.000-12:00

Recently, I was asked to contribute to my boss' Annual Report. I was asked to find a photo conveying some feeling about the Post Office (the Government has got in quite a lot of hot water for shutting some Post Offices and the POCA is about as popular as Steve McClaren) and nurses. Maybe it's just me, but I love these pictures - neither of which made the Report. Never mind immigrants in the Health Service (not that I do remotely) but pets...

Statue of Ted to be put to bed

2007-03-26T01:27:00.000-12:00

This is one to lighten the hearts of the most depressed. Ted Bates, no relation to Norman, was a player and manager of Southampton and quite the cult hero. Which is all well and good. A statue was commissioned. Which is all well and good. Sadly, it's all out of proportion, making Ted look more like a bronze munchkin version of Jimmy Krankee. Which has raised the ire of Saints fans. Just look at it. I have had a quick look around a Pompey message board and this one did make me giggle: "can someone please explain to me why the scum have erected a statute of Ernie Wise outside their pit?"
If statues dated, Bates and Thatcher would be a hoot. The behemoth and the krankie.

At least we kept a clean sheet

2007-03-25T21:09:00.000-12:00

Despite not having the greatest weekend, I was blessed to have missed the vast majority of England's 0-0 draw against Israel. I am waiting for an England player to now announce that "Andorra are one of the world's top teams." So let's have a quick look at what England's problems are: we can't score, the midfield's not producing that much and the defence looks a bit shaky. Our keeper is also out of form.
So who needs to be dropped? And more importantly who should be called up to the team? Andrew Johnson is the obvious patsy here, but if he gets decent service he'll score. Drop Rooney? Ermmm, no. So it's back to my favourite hobby-horse, see you later Frank. Hargeaves in centre mid with Stevie G. That's Stevie G, playmaker and midfield dynamo, not Stevie G rent-a-day right winger. Lennon on the right and bang Dyer on the left until Joe Cole is fit, i.e. physically - his large head and habit of sticking out his tongue when being good making the more urban meaning an improbability. That means Lamps on the bench.
Drop Rio for a game or two. He's a classy player for sure, but looks like a man secure in the knowledge that he could do practically anything and not be dropped. Put Carragher or Woodgate in central defence. Give Phil Neville his P-45. Ashley Cole will be in after suspension on Wednesday with Micah Richards fitting in at right back. Robinson should also be put on the bench. I imagine Foster will get the nod, I mean he does play for Manchester United (sort of); although Scott Carson is the best English keeper around.
I'd probably drop the lad McClaren too. God knows who'd replace him though, what about Beckham? As ever, come on England.

Spot the mistake

2007-03-23T03:46:00.000-12:00

Just received an invitation, please permit me to reproduce a snippet of the email: "Parliamentary Coffee Morning on 10th May 2007 at 2pm"

Reality check needed

2007-03-23T01:52:00.000-12:00

John Terry, the England captain is a very good player and no doubt about that. And despite England's to-date pretty dismal run in the Euro qualifiers making tomorrow's match in Tel Aviv a must-win, I think John Terry may just be marginally over-egging the Israeli pudding. As quoted in the Sun: "We need to look to this game as a positive thing, where we can go out and perform against one of the best sides in the world."
One of the best teams in the world? Huh? Go figure. For those of you not in the know, Israel last qualified for a major international championship in 1970* and this is their solitary World Cup performance. They have never qualified for hte Ruo Championships. Now there's top teams, there's top teams and there's Israel. Sure they're pretty decent and have a few decent players but I'd stop some way of saying they're one of the best in the world, mainly because it is wildly inaccurate.
He also misinterprets the term 'great manager' as this quote from a recent interview proves: "If you look at the great managers, like Mourinho and McClaren, they all want to know what the players are feeling and what they are thnking." Let me just get this straight, Israel are a top world team and Steve McClaren is a great manager? Blimey, I must be behind the times.

* Didn't know that until I t'internetted it. Not a great success mind. Out first round.

Bob Woolmer

2007-03-22T22:08:00.000-12:00

It has come to light that Bob Woolmer, the Pakistani coach, was strangled to death. His death was tragedy enough, but the evidence of foul play casts a long shadow over international cricket. Nothing can counter-balance Mr Woolmer's death but, if as suggested in many quarters, his murder was ordered because of his willingness to expose the shadowy world of corruption and match-fixing in cricket; I can only hope that it is not only the assailant/s who are caught but also that the underworld figures lurking like rats are found and punished accordingly. The spectre of match-fixing has hung over the world of cricket for a great many years now and the ICC must act firmly and decisively to root out this evil.

The return of the best site in the world

2007-03-22T02:41:00.000-12:00

The quite fantastic HTFC World is back up and running with a match report from the recent Huddersfield vs. Bradford derby. This site is so good, it's unbelievable.

That was the budget that was

2007-03-21T04:00:00.000-12:00

It was his last budget in his current Cabinet position. At least he won't have to look like he knows what's going on next year. John Prescott, that is. Oh and Dave, cracking hair. Very slick.

Over my dead body/Sign of things to come

2007-03-21T03:20:00.000-12:00

New Beef source, Bart Simpson pointed out these two quite remarkable stories.
I just love the thought of someone in 1st Class having a dead body stuck next to them. But that is not as funny as signers swearing on TV. That is too good.
It's a funny old world.

Barry Beef interviews Guy Siner

2007-03-20T05:00:00.000-12:00

In all his brilliance, here is Guy Siner. I hope you enjoy watching it as much as I did interviewing him. Many thanks to Recess Monkey for filming and uploading this.

World Cup debuts: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

2007-03-20T00:16:00.000-12:00

Firstly, I must issue a disclaimer: Dwayne Leverock is not ugly, just that the Good, the Bad and the Chunky isn't quite as catchy a title.

Watching Bermuda vs. India yesterday, I saw Leverock launch to this right to snaffle a one-handed catch at first slip (or as David Lloyd later quipped: "He covers first, second and third slip"), the other side of the story was the bowler: 17 year old Malachi Jones taking a wicket with his first ever World Cup delivery. OK so India turned up the pace and scored the highest World Cup total of all time and then registered the biggest win in World Cup history, but that moment will live in Leverock, Jones and all the viewers' mmemories forever.
contrast this with Zimbabwean World Cup debutant, Friday Kasteni. Coming in to open the batting for the Zimbabweans, he was clean bowled first ball. I've had the same experience (definitely twice and maybe three times) and it's not good. I guess you can say that Monday wasn't Friday's day.

Scientific proof pigs can bleat!

2007-03-19T23:37:00.000-12:00

Just win your games and shut your gob, Colin. Colin, the Pig manager has been as ungracious as ever by panning Middlesbrough for not playing their strongest team against Manchester City. Manchester City were flirting dangerously close to the relegation zone and their 2-0 win over Boro eased their own worries, actually taking them above...guess who?...Sheffield United.
So what does Colin do? Well here's the rant in all its glory:

"I know Stuart is a friend of Gareth Southgate and I know [Middlesbrough] have got Manchester United but I'd love them to lose the next six games and see how they react under that kind of pressure," said Warnock.
If I could pick three players not to play against me it would be Woodgate, Viduka and Arca. He must know that without them three they've got very little chance of winning.
I know Gareth is a new manager, I just hope it happens to him one day. I guess Alan Pardew feels the same way.
I just think it's scandalous and I don't think Middlesbrough should disrespect Sheffield United, West Ham and all the others at the bottom of the table."

So where do you begin? Well for starters Colin is well and truly living up to his name. Would you back Woodgate to get through two matches in three days? No. Would you back Viduka to do the same? Nope. I think Arca has also had injuries. Southgate played Yakubu, their number 1 player. They played Mark Schwarzer, their first choice keeper.
What would be more important for Boro? To win the F.A Cup or 3 points against Manchester City? It's a no-brainer. And then Colin goes on to wish Boro to lose loads. Hey Colin everything would be alright if your Pigs started, you know, winning. What is scandalous is you ranting like a spoilt kid. All this disrespecting stuff is trying to deflect attention from YOUR team going backwards. It is YOU Colin who shows a total lack of respect.

You want some?

2007-03-19T23:15:00.000-12:00

Last night I watched the United/Middlesbrough Quarter Final replay and thought it was a good match and, I'm sorry to say, I thought it was a definite penalty. However, the Boro bench interpreted it differently and, allegedly, a shout of 'cheat' eminated in the direction of the United bench. Incensed by this Carlos Queiroz, bag carrier extraordinaire, sought revenge and went for the bench, or more aptly the Boro assistant, Malcolm Crosby. Mere handbaggery though, if truth be told. Contrast this with White Hart Lane where after the final whistle, a fan got onto the pitch and tried to lay one on Frank Lampard (a punch rather than a kiss). Lamps ducked and then security got some digs in. If you want to read a good report of the incident read this. That's good, if you agree with security being allowed to beat supporters with bats, which let's face it you probably do (if only for a laugh). It's also where I lifted the great photo from.
Of course, violence in football is not a new phenomenon. As an example, I'd like to bring your attention to this hitherto unseen footage from an old Auld Firm derby.

Ever seen a fat guy dive?

2007-03-19T02:37:00.000-12:00

Look at the big guy go, you'd have thought Uthappa had snicked a burger to first slip. Well, Leverock moved like a gazelle and snaffled it one-handed. He then did a wobbly dance, whilst other members of the team who ran after Jones, the bowler, and then bundling him. Jones then started to cry with all the emotion. All gone a bit downhill for the Bermudans since though with Sehwag finally finding some form and spanking this lot around the park.

Eastenders and the synagogue quiz

2007-03-19T00:40:00.000-12:00

Before I start let me say I have never met Dr. Legg, I was stuck on what picture to use; hey he was in Eastenders and is Jewish. I'll take it. So I was watching the Eastenders omnibus yesterday and there was to be a pub quiz in the Queen Vic. Normally, when there is a pub quiz in Walford it will be comedy for everyone as Minty and Gary talk about nothing else and then invariably come last. But hey, Minty and Gary are a great comedy double-act; so I can bare that. Yet the deadly duo were surprisingly not around for this quiz (Hey writers, how's about consistency in your scripting??). No, this quiz is something a bit special. What's special about a pub quiz? Well, as someone who attends quizzes and on Sunday night actually went to a synagogue quiz (I'll come to that in a bit) the question eternally on my mind is "What shall I wear?" I'm glad it's not just me who suffers like this, both Stacey and Chelsea declared they had nothing to wear. Am I taking crazy pills here? They go to this pub every single episode, yet now they don't have anything to wear. It's a pub quiz, not a prom. I mean who puts glad rags on for a pub quiz? Apart from Stacey and Chelsea, I guess only me. That's the thing about pub quizzes, no-one makes the effort anymore. "What about Shirley??", I hear you shout at the monitor. Ok, ok. Shirley had made an effort, she was wearing a lovely red number, all very Chris de Burgh I'm sure. She really did look like mutton dressed up as mutton. She also got pie-eyed and shouted for her ex-husband to get married to his current, yet estranged, belle.
Thankfully, these shenanighans were not repeated at the synagogue quiz. After an eternity finding something to wear (in the end I settled for jeans and a shirt), it was time to commence. I walked in and wow, it was very, very caucasian. Not that that's bad, it's just kind of weird.
The quiz rolled on for a while and our team were right in it until a couple of poor rounds at the end saw us finish 4th. Not even a podium finish. Still it could have been worse, Dwayne Chambers took drugs, finished 4th and was banned from competitive athletics for two years. I was clean, finished 4th and intend to do the Sports and Social Quiz on Thursday.
At the end there was a big fundraising raffle and I was amazed to hear that the draw would be made by Dr Sharma. Sharma? In a synagogue? But I thought everyone was white! How quick of me to judge. I know it's not an uncommon surname, but I wondered aloud to my mum (Mummy Beef) whether she was the daughter of Mr Sharma, my Maths teacher at school. I said to my Auntie that it was a nice touch at a ostensibly Jewish function, to get a Hindu in to do the draw. Very integrated, very now! Alas, it turned out to be Schama, some relation of the TV historian.

p.s Anyone know who hit the winning putt for Europe to win the 2006 Ryder Cup? I'd expect the two wise old men of the Sports to know (we watched it together...with those three hunnis*)

* They weren't really hunnis, Red Fox. Not like you darling

A weekend that cricket won't forget

2007-03-18T23:38:00.000-12:00

Things started off very strange, India beaten comfortably by Bangladesh and then Ireland celebrated St Patrick's Day by pulling off one of the biggest shocks of all time by beating Pakistan by 3 wickets, having already lost to the West Indies in the tournament's opening match it meant the end for Pakistan. India should still progress. And then England stuttered into action, as Australia were thrashing Holland, England sealed a convincing, if not all that encouraging, win against the plucky Canadians. England's performance was over-shadowed by five of the squad going on the piss and Freddie falling off a pedallo. Pissed. Freddie was dropped for Essex's Ravi Bopara who performed pretty decently. Perhaps for the must-win match against Kenya, England will perservere with Bopara and drop Dalrymple who's not having the greatest of tournmaents as of to date. Sweetstuff likes the idea of bringing Strauss in for either Bell or Joyce. Personally, it is getting frustrating to watch Ian Bell hit another classy 20/30 without making more and Joyce looks good but I am not 100% sold. So, yes I would bring Strauss back in.
And then Googly sent me a text to tell me that Bob Woolmer, the Pakistani coach, had been found unconscious in his hotel room and pronounced dead at a local hospital. I am really at a loss as what to say, apart from to pay tribute to a man who achieved a lot in his career as a player, and perhaps more so as a coach. He was rumoured to be one of the favourites to succeed Duncan Fletcher as England coach. And this news was compounded by Inzi's decision to stand-down as test captain and retire from One Day Internationals.

Slow out of the blocks

2007-03-16T10:40:00.000-12:00

Today the world forgot her worries and bore her countenance upon England and the Cricket World Cup. Jeez they'd be plenty disappointed. A Nixon/Plunkett rearguard saw England to respectability,* but despite having the upper hand at 19-3 and 70odd-4 England never looked like they were gonna win. The Collingwood/Dalrymple making a 5th bowler idea was blown to bollox, and New Zealand relatively coasted home. Food for thought, but with two supposedly inferior opponents up next England need two convincing victories to finalise a best XI and make a play for the World Cup. I, like you, remain hopeful. Come on England (and Wales)

* Not all doom and gloom, KP looked good today.

If you don't like Trident does it make you a hippy hobo?

2007-03-15T01:10:00.000-12:00

My view on Trident replacement is no particular secret. I think it isn't such a hot idea. Recently, I have blogged many things relating to this issue; and in return have been told (basically) Nigel Griffiths? Whoopee-doo; why don't I hang around with Meacher and, more worryingly, to explain my opinion as opposed to just saying that this Government is gulity of selling Britain's morality down the swanny (with an enabling hand from the Tory Party). However, two recent occurences brought this issue home to roost. Both happened on Wednesday morning between alighting the District Line at Westminster and entering my office. Firstly, I had some Friends of the Earth chap thrust an A5 sheet into my hand saying that Trident replacement is wrong. Ok then, that's cleared that one up. Trident = wrong. I got that. I been scrabbling around for a philosphical opposition and here it is, it's wrong! No way I can misinterpret it. Heaven's above, it's wrong. Point made? Trident is bad, it is wrong.
And then I got into a quite uncomfortable 'stop and chat' and conversation came round to Trident. Ok, ok; I know it's wrong. If I didn't know myself, some chap in need of a shave and scrub told me so. However, I was told (and this is almost verbatim, the couple of days interlude before posting may have clouded its 100% authenticity): "I know some people think it's wrong*, but it is a deterrent." The last word said very slowly, perhaps for emphasis or perhaps because it's quite a long word. The walls came tumbling down, my anguish shouted - not audible to others but its effect was felt in my soul. Why hadn't I thought of that? It's a deterrent, i.e. we gotta have it! Deterrent? You could change one letter and make it 'detergent'; it would still be dirty.**
Us beatniks, however, have no grasp on reality. Having been too ensconced in our liberal, left-wing thoughts; we negated to notice that we are in the hold of the WAR ON TERROR. And what better way to put the shits up your opponents? We got nukes, baby and f-you, we're gonna make them bigger and better. A kinda carrot and stick situation, when the carrot is represented by some, ermm..let's be gracious, cack-handed diplomacy and the stick is represented by Trident nukes.
"If we don't renew Trident, it makes us very vulnerable to foreign (especially terrorist) attack." Once again, thanks for the hint; I hadn't considered it. I like the way that Britain is not planning a nuclear attack now, but in 30 years time - who knows? Countries can change. This is true enough, but there was a marked lack of recognition that countries can also change for the better. As a case in point, 30 years ago we were in the Cold War and the Soviet Union was the enemy (no less than an enemy with loads of nukes!), 30 years on Russia is the West's ally***. You could stretch this thinking further: if, as generally accepted, the Cold War led to the proliferation of nuclear arsenals should it not be accepted that countries turning 'for the better' questions the longevity of nukes? If there was no Cold War, perhaps there would have been no 'boom' time for nukes? See what I mean? 30 years ago South Africa was ruled by an apartheid regime, things have changed. I would hesistantly add that it might be our foreign policy that has contributed to changes in nations foreign policy objectives (i.e. an increased dislike of the U.S and UK) and subsequent threat of attack. When not reading Noam Chomsky and various apologist pieces, I did just have time enough to realise that Britain's foreign policy has not been unanimously welcomed, even the UN are a few steps behind. Hopping into bed with Dubya has somewhat blurred the image of Labour crusading for a New Jerusalem.
Proponents of renewal are keen to paint the picture of opponents being pacifists/stoners/hippies/Trots/idealists (delete as applicable. I've had all five levelled at me). I prefer idealists. "You don't know what you are talking about. You're an idealist."
My limited knowledge of international relations (thanks for that dictionary Hamburger!) shows there are two main schools of political thought: Realism and idealism. Idealists are the nice guys, the one's who want to see us all joined in harmony, holding hands and presumably buoyed by copious amounts of marijuana. Counter these reprobates with the realists. These straight-talkers don't pull their punches, and aint gonna entertain the thought of idealism. My limited knowledge led to me to the following question: "What is the aim of the realists saying we should renew Trident?" I'm stumped. I get the whole US/UK are good and need nukes to protect not only us but the rest of the wrold. God-dammit. The US and the UK working in unison as the World's Policemen. Yeh, with the US being police from the Rodney King school and the UK being more of a Police community Support Officer. There is no clear methdology and there is no end goal, unless the rest of the world cowering in fear (masked as the cloak of the international community) - in turn breeding overt/latent suspicion/animosity.
The idealists, this moniker has been conferred upon people who do not agree with the renewal of Trident, however have some idea of an end goal: a world where relations are governed by an ethical, joint-up foreign policy. That should have set off the alarms. It makes Trident a bigger issue than MPs going through their chosen lobby, bringing into question matters such as the U.N and the notional use of nuclear weapons.
The U.N was set up, as we all well know, to take over from the League of Nations which failed, and failed badly, when the Germans, Japanese and the Italians (but mostly the Germans) didn't play by the rules. It begged the question: what is the goal of the international community? Maybe, I am being pessimistic but, at the current time, it doesn't seem there is a world consensus. In fact, it appears some nations are poles apart. So what is the U.N to do? The U.N can past resolutions, hey from time to time it does. The problem being when those resolutions are ignored (this is your cue Israel and Iraq!), then we go to war; if everyone on the UN Security Council agrees. So who the realist and who are the idealists?
I don't think anti-Trident renenwal people think we should abolish all of our nuclear arsenal and I do not believe that many would advocate unilateral disarmament. Multilateral disarmament...hey, that could almost qualify as an 'international will' or 'the desire of the international community' or give the U.N a nice project to lead on. But there is no international will for disarmament, which makes multilateral disarmanet a distant vision. What this vote would have showed is Britain's willingness to provide a grounding for international negotiations to resolve a programme of international, multilateral disarmanent. As it is, the Bill was passed. I have no problem with this, MPs vote how they feel they should. I'm sure Griffiths, Devine and Pound will be pilloried for a bit, I mean who do those scumbags think they are? Principles? Don't they run American schools? So with the majority of the PLP being backed by the Tories where are the left's saviour? Where are the Liberal Democrats? Wait and see. No, that isn't me teasing you, that is their actual position! Wait and see until 2014 (I think). In 2014, the Liberal Democrats will still be in third place. It is slightly incongruous to me, hey I'm not a big Lib Dem admirer, that a party can wholeheartedly vote against Iraq but not vote against Trident replacement. I mean if anything's going to send a message to Iran that we're serious about the NPT, it's Trident renenwal. The continuation of Iran's nuclear programme is the single biggest factor (as it currently stands) that will provoke the U.S/UK coalition to war.

* In fact, I had been told by a FoE campaigner that Trident was wrong.
** By 'dirty', I don't mean illegal, it is fully in line with the NPT - a piece of legislation which whilst nominally regarding NON PROLIFERATION defends Britain's right to re-new.
***About 20 years ago we were funding Afghanistan against the Soviet Union. Wow. Everyone changed sides on that one, it's just like WWE!

When Barry met Guy Siner aka Lieutenant Gruber

2007-03-14T02:29:00.000-12:00

And they're off

2007-03-13T02:46:00.000-12:00

So you would think that I'd be disappointed that Chris Gayle, my faovurite cricketer, and "West Indies player to watch" is back in the pavilion already? You'd be right but it could be worse. Although I like Gayle a lot he's not in my Fantasy Cricket Team, Freddie Starr Ate My Hamster, whereas the chap who dismissed him, Umar Gul, is and he's my "Pakistani player to watch." Less thank 5 overs gone and I'm hooked already.

Minister drops a bomb

2007-03-12T03:18:00.000-12:00

The first member of the Labour Government resigns over Trident. Bye, bye Nigel Griffiths MP, hitherto the Deputy Leader of the House. Note to Government: Trident may well turn round and bite you on the ass. There are Labour Party members, and significantly voters, who are thoroughly pissed off at the prospect of splurging billions of pounds sterling up the wall. I know the reasons for having Trident, maybe just explain them fully to the Government now.

Reality TV: It's just for Charity, folks!

2007-03-12T02:58:00.000-12:00

For some reason, of which I'm still not 100% sure, I decided to stay in on Saturday and Sunday. I think the deluge of football and rugby might have contributed to this decision. However, it did permit me to catch Fame Academy (but PLEASE vote it's for Comic Relief blurgh) and I thoroughly enjoyed it. It didn't bode well for me as the celebs were introduced and first up was Anjelica Bell billed as: 'the comeback to end all comebacks.' This is unfortunate as it means I've not heard of her twice. Other celbes include Mel Giedroyc, one half of my least favourite comic duo ever. Oh no. Here comes Barry! It's Barry Evans. I know Barry can sing, I've seen him do karaoke at Churchills, Canterbury and as impressive as his voice was it was nowhere near as silky and classy as him trying to get two brids to get off with each other at the bar. Thankfully, no such tomfoolery on this show. Please, it's for charity.
And Colin doesn't like the judges. The contrived, I don't like the judges thing. Check. And then there's Fred, the Comedian who can't sing. No, but please; he's trying and it's for charity after all, also is that bird off Heartbeat always on the lash?
Throughly unimpressed, but hey it's for charity. Sorry, but no good.

Cricket World Cup players to watch

2007-03-09T03:33:00.000-12:00

Not long to go now. The Cricket World Cup is a just around the corner. It's so exciting that even England losing 3 quick wickets and Paul Allott doing commentary can't get me down. As someone who is notoriously rubbish at predictions, I thought I'd pick out the players to watch. This should serve as the proverbial kiss of death.

Bermuda - Well there can only be one man to watch. Probably because you can't miss him, it's the Big Guy: Dwayne Leverock. When not spinning out England's best, he eats.

Canada - John Davison's century against the Windies in the '03 World Cup was sensational (as was the catch to dismiss him). Also the only Candian player I have heard of.

Scotland - It's all about Gavin Hamilton. A former England international with the kind of test match figures that make Raul Lewis look like Murali - in his only test match Hamilton bagged a pair and didn't take a wicket. Now he doesn't bowl much after a debilitating bout of the yips. Bats well for Scotland though.

Ireland - Opening bat, William Porterfield has had a Hussey-esque start to his career, averaging something daft like 75. No more Ed Joyce for the Irish, so Porterfield looks the most capable of filling the void.

Australia - Hard to pick just one, but it must be Ricky Ponting. Words fail me, this guy is just plain brilliant.

South Africa - Speaking of brilliant, how about Shaun Pollock? Economical, takes wickets and scores runs too, normally quickly with plenty of boundaries.

England - If he stays fit and bats like he did today, it's time for Michael Vaughan. Captain, classy bat and Sheffield Wednesday supporter Michael Vaughan, my lord Michael Vaughan...

West Indies - Is there a cool man in the building? Enter Chris Gayle, a man so cool it's unreal. Also my favourite contemporary cricketer, expect Gayle to give some poor bastards a real battering

India - Yuvraj Singh is that most valued of one-day commodities - a finisher, and like Ronsil he does exactly what it says on the tin. Now recovered from injuries and chuck in his handy left-arm spin and he's a good bet.

Pakistan - With Mohammed Asif and Shoaib Akhtar injured and/or high (allegedly) the Pakistani attack will need Umar Gul to be at his best. His best is very, very good.

New Zealand - Having injured his finger, Jacob Oram considered having it amputated so as not to miss the World Cup - that kind of dedication combined with hitting the balls miles and being a top notch first change bowler makes Jacob Oram my Kiwi to watch.

Sri Lanka - I remember Jayasuriya and Kaluwitharana battering everyone in the 1996 World Cup. 11 years on and Jayasuriya is still doing it and taking quite a few wickets with his innocuous looking spin.

Bangladesh - Aftab Ahmed. Can't get too excited about Bangladeshi cricket.

Zimbabwe - Prosper Utseya stands out as having a quite remarkable economy rate in ODIs, especially considering that the team he plays for are little better than hopeless. He's about 21, captain and has a good name. I do miss the Zimbabwe team of the late 90s: Murray Goodwin, Neil Johnson, Andy and Grant Flower, Heath Streak...now look at them. So bad, I think Mugabe's in the squad.

Kenya - Christ on a bike, how many team are in this competition? At least Kenya are good value to watch and always likely to surprise - remember Cameron Cuffy being clean bowled to give Kenya a famous win over the Windies in WC 96? Anyway, Steve Tikolo has been playing for decades, so he must be doing something right.

Holland - They're not going to do much, I fear but at least among their ranks the Dutch have Ryan ten Doeschete: a good all-rounder and particularly explosive bat. He also play County Cricket for Essex. What a man.

What can we learn from the Tories?

2007-03-08T23:23:00.000-12:00

Well after the latest foot in mouth moment, it is clear to me that Ron Atkinson was right all along. What a shower. Cameron is tripping over himself to be all Tony and righteous. What is with him? Is like nailing jelly to a wall.

Yes yes yes

2007-03-08T13:54:00.000-12:00

Being filmed in late April, 'Allo 'Allo will be back on our screens. A great British comedy for the great British people. It will, of course, be immense

You lives and learns

2007-03-08T01:52:00.000-12:00

Am watching the Woman Justice and Gender Equlaity at the moment, and it's all gone a bit off-topic with proceedings turning to an appraisal of Lady Thatcher. As a recent report of her death illustrated, feelings about her are polemic. She is the political Marmite, you either love her or hate her. However, listening to the Tory side arguing they have implied that she was a feminist. Yeh, for sure; a regular bra-burner.
Additionally, Eleanor Laing the Tory spokesperson for Women pointed out that there were no men on the Labour benches and then went through her own ranks pointing out the chaps. Well she missed one out, because unless my eyes are playing up again, Julian Clary was on the Tory benches.

It's official the House of Lords will be 100% elected. Maybe.

2007-03-08T01:26:00.000-12:00

Much furore over the House of Lords. Yeh they're going to be 100% voted. Or are they? The vote is 'indicative' - talk about procrastination being the thief of all time. The modernisation of the House - honestly, sooner or later they'll have a non-uniform day. You can almost imagine MPs wearing hoodies. Of course, the term 'turkey's don't vote for Christmas' was created for a case like this. However, if we do get an elected Second Chamber there is still the horrible prospect of another bloody vote.
Yet I cannot share the jubilation of some people. Sadly, I am not of the opinion that the moment we get a 100% elected Second Chamber will herald a New Jerusalem. Similarly, I am not a Republican. The thought that Britain would transform into a latter-day Land of Milk and Honey if we didn't have a monarchy is pie-in-the-sky wet idealism. These concepts do not even scratch the veneer of the issue. We need progressive policy and, as nice and cosy as an elected Second Chamber would be, that requires a progressive Government. Whether we have this progressive Government currently is open to conjecture.

R.I.P Mr Humphries. I'm Free

2007-03-07T23:49:00.000-12:00

Top quality MP to stand down

2007-03-07T23:08:00.000-12:00

The Gang of Four were a stain on democratic socialist history, but more fool them; if they'd stayed in the Labour Party they would now be heralded as 'venerable' and other such compliments. As it is the SDP became Thatcherism Mk II and collapsed before being sucked into the Liberal Party. Ok, so why mention this? Truly, it is a convoluted link to my own Gang of Four, Barry's Gang of Four which is my four favourite MPs. Sadly, one is no longer an MP and to compound this, I learnt yesterday that another of the Four is to stand down at the next General Election (I won't name the other two, in case they decide to 'do one' too). So it's a very fond farewell to Calder Valley MP, Chris McCafferty.
It's not just her politics that I am quite partial to (although I thoroughly enjoyed her speech in the quite recent Abortion Debate as the Tories were getting into full-on swivelled-eyed loon mode) but also her manner. People should vote with their conscience and she did, even if a Whip was breathing down her neck (not literally). I used to be in the office next door to Chris (an honour now held by Kerron) and frequently popped in for a chat with Chris, David and the lovely Mette (and in more recent times to see the wonderful Lola Coca Cola and, only once, Arty Farty) or more commonly to sort out Mette's computer.
Obviously MPs are an important bunch of people (just ask one and they'll tell you) but Chris is a proper decent lady, a good laugh and a good chat. I may be wrong but I think Chris was the first sitting MP to do jury service, if not she was one of the first. Now that's a fact (unless it's wrong, of course).
What with John Battle, Neil Gerrard and Alan Simpson also standing down, the Labour Party is losing some very valuable, principled MPs and doesn't bode well for the next Parliament.
Good luck in the future Chris. And if it's not too late change your mind.

Super Fit MP

2007-03-07T04:10:00.000-12:00

Today saw Super Fit Steak make it on to the Wednesday menu in the Debate and, I don't quite know how but I imagine it's some form of word association, it reminded me of Googly telling me about a Super Fit MP. Now I saw Adam Boulton's Top 10 list of Hot MPs: I think it lacked a lot, but never mind quibbling about whether Julia Goldsworthy should have made the list (of course she should have) or how on earth did Theresa May make it (I can only assume it was an unresearched piece and he confused her with the porn star of the same name) for this is small beer, if you want a Super Fit MP check out the Australian Labour MP for Adelaide. Googly's picked it alright.

Row row row your boat

2007-03-07T02:30:00.000-12:00

This was sent by Dutch firm Serco, in partnership with NedRailways, who have put in a bid for the West Midlands rail franchise. Ok, all fine so far; apart from there being a bunch of rowers on the front cover. Well I suppose that is covering all contingencies - still hardly inspires confidence for a company bidding for a RAIL franchise

You couldn't even make it up

2007-03-07T00:25:00.000-12:00

On reading the London Paper last night, I thought it was just a misprint - perish the thought - but, in fact, the head of NATO's southern command in Afghanistan is commanded by Major-General Ton van Loon. Feels you with confiedence doesn't it? It's quite literally a case of the Loon(atics) running the asylum.

Ban the bomb

2007-03-07T00:18:00.000-12:00

It may have apssed some of you by, but I really am not a massive fan of Trident replacement and nothing would make me happier if the Parliamentary Labour Party voted against renewal. Of course, they manifestly will not. However, irregardless of my personal views I was disturbed to learn from a chum that jobs aplenty are already going at Aldermaston for...Trident replacement. Now as my source was not 100% this is, of course, only conjecture on my part. Surely this is not the case. Or maybe it is and I shouldn't call you Shirley.

Where there is discord, may we bring harmony.

2007-03-06T02:04:00.000-12:00

Congratulations to Recess Monkey, his articles on the demise (untrue) and resurrection (patently insane) of Lady Thatcher have now received more comments than the Number 10 petition on road pricing.
I checked it out on this site and can confirm she's alive. Not sure what happened to her hair in the picture, but she's still alive.
The artcile that sums this sorry little scenario up the best is this gem on Ministry of Truth which sums up Prague Tory pretty succinctly. I had only occassionally come across him in comment sections on sites like Monkey and didn't realise others hold a similarly low view of him, in particular Bob Piper. Tory Spice Boys? I like the sound of that. Like the Scouse Spice Boys of the late 90s, but presumably scummier.
Back to Thatcher and her non-death and Recess Monkey's subsequent non-article and apology. At least, he apologised which is more than it warranted. He made a mistake, the self-same day Prague Tory had posted a piece on Liberal Democrats claiming that Patsy Calton had a small majority in Cheadle. I informed Prague via comments that she had sadly passed away. I also asked for an apology. None were forthcoming and the ungracious Dominic deleted my comments and amended his blog - the VERY THING (caps means tabloid style fury and exasperation) he (falsely - the prick doesn't understand that alt text is not, strictly speaking, part of the article) accused Recess Monkey of doing. I also called him a prick.
Speaking of dying, although of course nobody is, that being said Ministry of Truth is quite right in asserting that if she had snuffed it the very nexy day Monkey could have claimed a premonition. He's always reminded me of Russell Grant; the links on my blog are dying or mothballing (as I think the blogging term is?? Still not sure what astro-turfers are - and I used to supprt Luton Town...) so gone from the links go Reclaim Labour, the Carpetbaggers (hope this comes back soon) and Idiots for Labour to be replaced by Ministry of Truth and, well can't think of who else.

He's just spinning around

2007-03-05T04:09:00.001-12:00

Down the years, England have had a disturbing habit of playing spin with as much confidence as a frustrated virgin in a swingers bar. Shane Warne might as well be bowling an invisible ball and then there's Murali, Harbajhan, Mushie, Saqlain and Kumble. Bloody hell, I even remember New Zealand's Matthew Hart deceiving England back in the 1990s. But Bermuda's Dwayne Leverock? Well quite. This guy is on the burly side of burly. He's a big lad but he's just finished with figures of 2-32 off 10 overs - the wickets of KP and Collingwood quenching his appetite. According to the gospel of all things cricket, Cricinfo Leverock is not the "fleetest of foot in the outfield".
Mind if Leverock can turn it wildly, you got to think that monty is going to rip this lot out in quick order. Here's hoping anyway.

Championship goals!

2007-03-05T02:01:00.000-12:00

As I am in an incredibly sparkly mood today, please enjoy this. Shame they didn't get the initial pass in the Johnson goal, but what a goal! And Chris Brunt? Hero.

Down and Out

2007-03-05T01:21:00.000-12:00

I think I have probably said so before but West Ham are my second team, so I haven't particularly enjoyed seeing them lurch from disaster to disaster. Yet Sunday's cataclysmic balls-up against Tottenham was truly a sight to behold. It was pretty funny. I joined at half-time with West Ham 2-0 on Spurs. Two excellent goals toom the second of which was Carlos Tevez's first in the Premiership. And just when things were going great, they hit the self-destruct button. Firs up Lee Bowyer hacks down Aaaron Lennon and Jermaine Defoe slots the resultant penalty away. Then Teemu Tainio volleys in from the edge of the area 2-2 and it's going Pete Tong. Enter stage left Bobby Zamora, the former Spurs player. He comes on as a sub and, with his first touch, heads West Ham back into the lead. 85 minutes gone. 3-2 West Ham. Game over and three much needed points. Then Dimitar Berbatov knocks in a free kick to level it up at 3-3 and with West Ham going hell for leather for a winner, they get the sucker punch. Of all the players, Paul Stalteri grabs the winner for Spurs. That was the most exciting half of football I can remember.

But back to my favourite topic, the Championship, and Sunderland win again. They are flying up the league. Birmingham win, Derby thump Colchester and Wolves resurgence continues. It really is an excellent league. Sheffield Wednesday build on their win over Southend by dispatching lowly L**ds 3-2. Lowly L**ds, it's a nice turn of phrase to type. And many thanks to Goodstuff for sending me this rather amusing pic.

Monkey business

2007-03-04T22:58:00.000-12:00

I feared that today would be a bad day. I was all set to fly in from Italy, where I had enjoyed a most magnificent weekend with the quite magnificent Red Fox. I assumed, correctly as it turned out, that I would be swamped at work and that it would be all hands to the pump. Yet with joyous thoughts in my heart and armed with only a copy of Sharpe's Fury as hand luggage I persevered. So I got into work and the office is empty and a cursory check of my emails showed one from my good friend, Recess Monkey drawing my attention to his blunderings here and here. Now I have enjoyed the privilege of the esteeemd Simian's friendship for many a moon and the fact that he has falsely blogged someone's death is really of little relevance, but I love the comments left. Honestly, being brandished "a c*nt" so many times must bring back harrowing memories from his time at Ilford County High School. So permit me to re-produce some of my favourites:

Alex, this is serious, you’re scaring people. Either substantiate your story or take the post down. I realise that, like most people on the left you nurture an infantile hatred for Thatcher, but that is still no exuse for running a story like this without any proof.

Henry said this on March 5th, 2007 at 1:28 am

One can only assume that Henry scares easily. Or perhaps when she dies, admirers up and down the country will suffer palpatations and, to quote Monsieur Alfonse, the "dicky ticker"

I don’t believe you, you are a liar

mr tosh said this on March 5th, 2007 at 1:33 am

So there.

IS THIS TRUE? If this is some sick prank, I am not amused.

jon said this on March 5th, 2007 at 2:50 am

Jon, much like Queen Victoria (who I can reliably say is dead), is not amused.

wishing somebody’s death is rather disgusting to be honest. i despise paris hilton yet i don’t want her to die. i hate a lot of people but don’t want them to die.

Benny said this on March 5th, 2007 at 3:12 am

For the love of God! It is not wishing someone dead. He thought she was. He was misinformed and didn't check it out first. Paris Hilton and Lady Thatcher? Yes, I do see how these two could inflame similar incendiary emotions.

True or not, this blog really sums up why Labour is now so crap at news management.

chatterbox said this on March 5th, 2007 at 3:33 am

Hmmm??? "True or not" muses Chatterbox. Allow me to intercede; if it is true it is exemplary journalism, as it wasn't it's shit. How does one blogger's actions reflect on a national Government? Nope, no idea either.

And saving the best til last:

Fuck off back to bed you chimp. I’ve written up your obituary you disgusting creature - and yes you have edited the previous post.

Praguetory said this on March 5th, 2007 at 8:44 am

Mr Prague Tory, a sort of diet-Iain Dale without the research and reputation (making him a kind of voicebox, I guess) has written up an obituary for Mr Monkey. Slow news day methinks. I'll probably get round to it later, but Prague Tory also posts inaccurately without research and deletes comments that point this out.

Bored of the Premiership?

2007-03-02T03:17:00.000-12:00

Heaven forbid that anyone might be tiring of the Premiership this season. At least Chelsea haven't run away with the league for the third season on the trot, but to what degree does it actually spice things up that the contenders to the throne are Manchester United, whose hegemony over the British game in the last decade means that there resurgence cannot be seen as a breath of fresh air. Arsenal appear to be in one of their troughs (despite having an untold parade of fantastically talented youth players) and Liverpool, whilst arguably being the best of the rest, lag some way behind the big two - although if they were to do the improbable and win the Champions League for the second time in three seasons the balance may start to shift.
So if you are becoming blase with the continuing flattering to deceive of your Pompeys, Villas and Evertons and are accustomed to West Ham and Watford losing more often than not with teams such as Wigan, the Pigs, Man City and Charlton doing little better, I would urge you to follow the Championship for hte rest of the season.
This league is tight and currently the eight teams at the top of the league are seperated by a meagre five points. Rarely for the Championship, the three teams who suffered relegation from the Premiership: Sunderland, W.B.A and Birmingham all find themselves in the mix alongside the former fixture of the top flight, Southampton. Added to the mix are play-off or thereabouts regulars, Preston and Wolves with the two surprises packets of the season Derby County and Cardiff. I believe five of these teams have already topped hte league with three of them (Derby, W.B.A and Birmingham) having shared the honour in the week just gone.
All through the season I thought the Baggies would prevail and I won't change my mind just yet and together with them I would favour Sunderland for the other automatic place. Sunderland are yet to lose in 2007 and have been flying up the league; a last minute Liam Miller goal gave them a 2-1 victory over Derby which summed it up for the Mackems: when you're hot, you're hot.
For the play-offs, I'd reckon Wolves and Cardiff will miss out. Obviously, given my wayward form on the predictions you might as well get down the bookies and bet against Sunderand and W.B.A getting promoted automatically.
Look at the squads of these top teams, there really are some excellent players around and a lot of players capable of scoring a lot of goals. Derby can boast Steve Howard and Cardiff have the league's top-scorer in Michael Chopra. Birmingham have in Gary McSheffrey perhaps the best player in the league and Bendtner, Larsson and Muamba have all fitted the bill since arriving from Arsenal. In Kamara and Phillips, West Brom have a strike force second to none, although the Southampton pairing of Rasiak (fresh from treading water at Spurs) and Kenwyne Jones have been banging them in recently. Wolves' form has picked up with Andy Keogh, Olofinjana, McIndoe, Kightly and Ward all playing to the top of their game. Without wishing to belittle Preston, David Nugent is their stand out player and he just seems to get better and better.
But one thing is for sure, the Championship is where it's at and is Britain's most exciting professional league (I even include Scotland where I think Celtic mathematically clinched the league in September)

Now if anyone can't make this meeting...

2007-02-27T04:45:00.000-12:00

Tonight Lindsay Hoyle is hosting a briefing enticingly titled: "Britain's independent nuclear deterrent - the need and legality."

Now if like me you are either a) not important enough to attend or b) not free (I qualify under both criteria), please permit me to surmise:

"because we, in Britain, have a moral superiority to others (particularly Moslems). It is ok because we are good guys (no, really) and won't use them on anyone apart from bad guys (Moslems - unless the Commies come back again). Also, we must ensure no other countries (apart from Israel) can develop nuclear weapons, but if we (the civilised West) can make a buck or two out of flogging intelligence and capability improvement means we should proceed without any form of responsibility (India and Pakistan)"

Barry's full of Bull

2007-02-27T04:26:00.000-12:00

Yes I am sure you have all been long wondering how the London Owls darts team have been fareing in recent times. Well let me put you out of your misery. Wednesday remain top of the league and, last night, vanquished Rotherham 7-4. Things started well as the Owls raced into a 3-0 lead (801 team leg and the first two 601 doubles - yours truly knocking in the double in the first doubles leg) then pegged back to 3-1 only to accelerate to 6-1 (including your Bovine chucker winning his 501 singles leg). Wednesday took their foot off the pedal allowing it to slip to 6-4 only to win the beer leg to run out 7-4 victors.
Thereafter followed a few doubles matches between the Wednesday boys, although with 5 of us left it need a closest to the Bull to decide who would chalk. Beefy only puts his first dart straight in the bullseye and then next game to determine the scorer he does it again. That's top darts.

Labour Member launches another pre-emptive strike

2007-02-27T01:17:00.000-12:00

Politics - much like football - is a funny old game. This is clearly demonstrated by the Tory Party attempting to pass themselves off as the saviours of the NHS. This being the same Tory Party that continually pedalled the idea of a health passport.
Anyway, last Wednesday saw an Opposition Day debate on Acute Hospital Services and things proceeded pretty much to form with the usual 'oh yes you did' 'oh no we didn't' charade that is the meat and drink of British democracy. Thankfully things started to get a bit spicier when Ian Austin, the Labour Member for Dudley North, got called. Here is a man who takes an enormous amount of joy in winding up the Tories, often getting a warning from the Speaker for his joie de vivre. It was a lively speech and he was in his element slating the Tories for preaching one thing when anyone with half a brain (a memory would also suffice) knows that under a Tory Government there would be massive health privatisation (even compared to this Government) and substantial cuts to public spending. After a brief intervention by Laura Moffat, Austin continued saying that not one Tory had intervened on him because they knew they could not refute what he was saying. At this a few Tories started mumbling and guffawing, one of whom was Mike Penning. Now Penning is to political philosophy what deep-fried pizzas are to a healthy diet, so Austin called his bluff:

Mr. Austin: I did not notice that, but I did notice that not one of them has got up to deny that the effect of their policies would be to cut public spending, which is what they believe in. They cannot deny that. It is an absolute fact that the effect of the proceeds of growth rule would be to cut public— [ Interruption.] Well, if the hon. Member for Hemel Hempstead (Mike Penning) would like to intervene on me to deny that the effect of the proceeds of growth rule would be to cut public spending, I would be more than happy to give way. Does he want to— [ Interruption. ]

Mr. Deputy Speaker: Order. May I suggest that the hon. Member for Dudley, North (Mr. Austin) should not tout for business in that way? I must also ask the hon. Member for Hemel Hempstead (Mike Penning) not to make any more sedentary interventions.

To put this in school-bullying terms it is like picking on the weedy, speccy kid wearing his older brother's ill-fitting hand-me-downs. What Hansard failed to convey was that Austin actually sat down, leaving the Plato of Hemel Hempstead looks even more limited than usual. Of course any other Tory could have jumped in, it would have been impossible not to accept the intervention but they didn't. Any why didn't they? Because they had nothing to say, they had been rumbled, their flush was busted.

I saw Ian and had a bit of a laugh with him about this and then talk inevitably turned to subjects about which we differ (i.e. Trident replacement) and then he went back to calling me a "dirty Trot". I have enjoyed his acquaintance for a good couple of years now. By now he should know flattery gets him nowhere.

Would Sir and Madam be caring for full pension?

2007-02-25T07:16:00.000-12:00

Not if you're staying in the Guesthouse Occupationalo. A High Court ruling has judged that the Government must reconsider its decision to not enact the findings of the Parliamentary Ombudsman. The spoilsports. Obviously, Conservatives and critics will be licking their chops. No doubt it'll be rah-rah time in the House for a bit. They will impartially point out that the Government are scumbags, stealing off Pensioners hand-over-fist. They will, sadly quite correctly, point out that the Government is setting a most unfortunate precedent in ignoring an Ombudsman Report. The braver amongst them may even comment on how the Tory Government helped out those who lost money through Maxwell being more bent than the Charlton front-line of Marcus and Darren. Fewer on the Opposition benches, I imagine, will care to recall that they share a political heritage with Edwina Currie who, lest we forget, suggested, in her glorious tenure in the Department of Health, that freezing pensioners threatened by hypothermia because they could not afford heating should "wrap up warm" in woolly hats and long johns.
The High Court ruling has, however, found that the Government is culpable of inaccuracies and potential misleadings regarding the minimum funding requirement. The Court also ruled that the Department of Work and Pensions should reconsider making arrangements to restore fully the pension losses of the people concerned when their employers became insolvent.
However, the Government has been cleared of being in breach of the European Convention on Human Rights and has also been absolved of being responsible, through maladministration, for the financial losses of every indiviudal who suffered the winding up of their pension scheme.
The Government was also cleared of the murder of the first born and the snow a couple of weeks ago.
What would be helpful was if the Government put politics out of this and realised that there is a massive issue to be solved and their truculence in recent times has not helped at all. The Treasury should dip their hand in their pockets (not for that!) and cough up more money for the Financial Assistance Scheme and, basically, just get a move-on.
There could, of course, be some way of getting BIG BUSINESS to contribute to compensation packages if they actually gave a fuck about people as opposed to cosy little Corporate Social Responsiblity ideas and Community Projects. Or they could just pay more. Sorry I've turned into a Commie. Next up I'd probably suggest something heretical like if we didn't renew Trident for billions and billions of pounds we could cover all of this, raise the state pension and still have enough left for a rainy day.

Busking beggers on the tube beggar belief

2007-02-25T05:10:00.001-12:00

Now this really is a long overdue entry into Room 101. It's not all buskers. Although, I am not a big fan of the institution of buskers, I can recognise that some deluded sociopaths do like them and feel they offer something different from the regular mundanity, frustration and delays that remain the main services rendered by the London Underground. If you see a busker, you have an option to walk past or to give them money. This is fine. The people I would put in Room 101 (hurtling headfirst) would be buskers on the actual Tube itself.
Twice last week I was accosted by a clarinet player on the District Line. Twice this guy peddled out a few numbers and twice I got nowhere near recognising any of it. Hint to budding, aspiring clarinet players: if you get near a note, play it. In fact, it really was a pain in the neck. By nature, I am not the greatest in the morning. Ideally, I will either do a sudoku or two, or more normally read a book. You know, have the decency to keep myself to myself. So what do I get for my troubles? Some prick making a racket, that's what. I can't read my book. I am stuck there with a deep and all consuming hatred and loathing burning in my heart. Then when he has finished, he comes around the carriage with his purse - pausing in front of every passenger and rattling it (his purse). Now I take exception at charity collectors shaking their tins in my vicinity, I most certainly do not appreciate the clarinetist doing the same.
And then on Friday, I had another busker on my tube. Not a clarinet player (this is good) but rather an Irish duo playing the bloody bastard banjo and singing jovially. At least the clarinet player had the decency not to be able to speak the Queen's. These characters have the patter, right down to every stereotypical nuance: the cheeky smile, the banter, the "bejeesus" - seriously they were one stop away from "top of the morning" and a full-blown riverdance. These wankers persisted for two whole stops. I felt lower than a snake's belly. After they eventually wound-up, about 3 people clapped. In the words of Alan Partridge: "I loathe these people[...] I wish all of you[...] people would get on a bus and just drive over a cliff. I'd happily be the driver."

Keeping us on our toes

2007-02-23T02:10:00.000-12:00

The following briefing came into my in-tray, spot the slight blunder. As the Count said: "The problem with our education system. Discuss"

Immigration

2007-02-23T01:27:00.000-12:00

I think we can all agree that immigration is a big issue. Everyone's got an opinion. Even the word 'immigration' elicits a response. People who on the face of things appear normal start foaming at the mouth like rabied dogs. It's not just retired Majors either. So when you stumble upon a solution to the immigration problem, I think it's wise to spread the word. I don't know where and when great decisions have been made in the past, that lightbulb going off effect. However, I can pinpoint this momentous moment. Inbetween the Palace and Portcullis House. The genii being myself, Comrade Hamburger (an economic migrant) and the good Count. Simply put: all immigrants (economic/asylum seeker whatever) must wear a Houses of Parliament visitor pass. This, of course, will have the date of their arrival on it (marked with black pen). All immigrants must be accompanied by an indigenous Briton. However, an individual Briton can only 'sign-in' a maximum of four (4) immigrants. If the immigrant is unaccompanied they are liable to be chucked off our fair isle by some obesely fat policeman type. If, for instance, the immigrant is found alone in somewhere like Wolverhampton, they will be marched to the nearest port and deported in whichever direction. All ports will be provided with green bins, in which the passes can be deposited. NOT OUR CONCERN WHEN THEY LEAVE BRITAIN. Naturally, immigrants will not be allowed on the Terrace and will not be permitted to have lunch during peak times (12-2)

Chris Eubank arrested

2007-02-22T04:28:00.000-12:00

Notorious character and lisping eccentric, Chris Eubank has been arrested for protesting against the Iraq war. Thurely thumbone is taking the pith? But no, Gutbuster (who will not be doing karaoke tonight) saw his massive truck go down Whitehall. Here is Eubank's massive truck. Look at the size of that one! He could be Tory Party leader. Actually, given that Meacher refused to answer the question: "What car do you drive?"* he could be a candidate for the Labour leadership.

* he drives a Jaguar.
By the way, the Chris Eubank cartoon is courtesy of this quite marvellous site

Spin isn't always bad

2007-02-22T00:12:00.000-12:00

Last night I had a fine old time debating cricket with the oracle of all things cricket Googly. Now this man is a true one-off, a phenomenon with an immense knowledge of cricket, we immediately set to discussing what has the potential to be the most exciting development in English cricket since the 2005 Ashes victory. For years and years, England fans have decried the misfortune of not having a world class spinner: Tuffers had his moments but the 90s and 2000s were a barren period. As Australia produced Warne and Macgill, Pakistan boasted Saqlain, Mushtaq (bowling Mushie) and Kaneira, India had Harbajhan and Kumble, Sri Lanka delivered the maestro Murali and even New Zealand turned out Daniel Vettori; England toiled away with such bowlers as Croft; Such; Dawson; Giles; Schofield; Udal; Blackwell; Illingworth and Salisbury. Even John Childs, then aged 123 got his debut in 1988 (or '87 - Googly?)
And then came Monty. And behold he was good. Very good. It's refreshing but the news that caught my attention was that the aforementioned Saqlain has receovered from a career-threatening knee injury, married an English woman and got a contract to play for sussex. Basically put he should be eligible to play for England in 2008 when he will be, a relatively sprightly, 31. Saqlain was the pioneer of the 'doosra' - the one that goes the other way with the identical action to his stock delivery. He was the youngest player ever to reach 100, 150, 200 and 250 One Day International wickets - and reached these milestones in less matches than any other player. He has also scored a test match century. And no less of an authority than Michael Atherton held him to be top, top drawer.
The notion of Monty and Saqlain in tandem (just think of the beards and fingers twirling in unision) with a pace attack of any of Freddie, Broad, Anderson, Harmison, Hoggard or Jones. Oh yes.

On a side note, we also attempted to compile our best ever England and World test XIs (within our living memory). It soon became clear we wouldn't agree on the World XI. Even withstanding Googly's irrational dislike of Jacques Kallis, how can you fit Steve Waugh, Brian Lara, Sachin Tendulkar, Ricky Ponting and Rahul Dravid in a batting line up? Similarly how can you pick a bowling attack out of Wasim, Waqar, Curtley Ambrose, Courtney Walsh, Glenn McGrath, Shane Warne, Murali, Donald and Pollock?

Anyway we sort of agreed on an England team:

Michael Atherton
Marcus Trescothick
Graham Gooch
Robin Smith
Graham Thorpe
Alec Stewart
Andrew Flintoff
Darren Gough
Andrew Caddick
Monty Panesar
Angus Fraser

Stewart as keeper and probably Gooch (maybe Athers) as captain. This post has made me happy.

Meacher stands

2007-02-21T22:54:00.000-12:00

Many thanks to Gutbuster for emailing me so that the first thing I saw when I logged on this morning was that Michael Meacher will be announcing his candidature for the Labour Party leadership. I have mixed feelings shared, I'm sure, by many on the Left of the Party. Apart from Harry Perkins, of course, whose feelings are conveyed here. Yes, Meacher has not been a picture of consistency, but at least he has voted against some of the Blairite policy which, clearly, puts him higher than Gordon in my estimations. The bigger problem is that it will, or at the very least has the potential to, split the Left vote ensuring that neither McDonnell or Meacher get the required 44 nominations and Gordon coasts in without a vote.
Personally, what I would ideally hope for is that Labour MPs who have their suspicions of the Brownite agenda but cannot bring themselves to vote for John McDonnell will instead plump for Meacher, i.e. Meacher nicking off Brown and not McDonnell which, in turn, would leave a fatal 3 way between Brown, Meacher and McDonnell - now that would be quite good.

Tory Party: not racist, right?

2007-02-20T02:21:00.000-12:00

A friend of mine, presumably bored off his tits at work, has found the following article in the Cambridge Evening News. It appears that a Tory Councillor has somewhat put his foot in it by calling non-Britons wogs. It is hard to know who he is actually referring to, the exact quote is: "There are all different sorts of w*gs here, I don't differentiate between them but treat them all as though they were English." So does this mean economic migrants, asylum seekers or just anyone who is non-white and lives in the UK, irrespective of how many generations the family have lived here? Of course, I'm being harsh - I can't help it, I don't like Tory politics much - to redraw the balance it's probably fair to assume my 'non-white' comment is not true, I imagine immigrants from Eastern Europe would be lumped in there too. And if Alex Hilton is correct in his thinking that the Tory Party is "dedicated to lining up the entire British working class and buggering them one by one", it is the kind of equal treatment to which quite a few would take exception.
The Cllr in question, Ted Pateman defended his comments explaining that in his generation the word wog is quite common. He also comes up with an ingenious ruse to get out of this mess by saying: "The term is in the Oxford English Dictionary." This argument falls down when you consider that, for argument's sake, the word cunt is also in the dictionary, however I wouldn't use this word to describe foreigners either. Undeterred Cllr Pateman continues: "They're all equal, all English and you can see that when the kids go to school in the morning. In my Close of 42 houses, we have 11 different nationalities and they are all neighbours. There's no racism up here in Cambourne and I don't think there is very much in Cambridgeshire." Ok, but it does also reveal that he has a bordering on the obsessional interest in the number of non-Britons in your street, especially for someone who starts off by saying "They're all equal, all English". If they're all equal, surely each of the 42 houses in the Close is lived in by English people?
Racism isn't only reflected in lynchings, stabbings and the Police Service (boom, boom) but also by comments that clearly show that immigrants are different from the indigenous British population. Obviously this 'different' is normally equated to 'worse than'. Therefore, someone like Ron Atkinson (famed for calling Marcel Dessaily 'a lazy fucking nigger') is a racist even if his daily routine does not revolve around race-hate like Adolf Hitler. Racism is racism and it can take the form of hate, prejudice, ignorance or words out of the dictionary.
Of course not all Tories are like this and perhaps Cllr Pateman at a less than spring chicken 79 is not the shining embodiment of Cameron's Tories, but you can bet that people who share these views (significant sections of the older generation, shall we say?) are the life-blood of the Tory Party upon whose votes they are very reliant.

p.s I once spent the weekend in Cambourne as the hotel me and my girlfriend booked was heinously called the Cambridge Belfry. It isn't in Cambridge, it's in Cambourne. Cambourne was incredibly dull. I even don't think it was finished.

Take me to your leader

2007-02-20T01:33:00.000-12:00

I suppose this is really following on from Alan Simpson's letter of resignation; the bit where he says that the Brown leadership will be worse than the Blair premiership. I don't particularly agree with this sentiment, I do think Brown will be better than Blair but not by that much. I know defenders of the Blairite regime will say things about the minimum wage, tax credits, NHS waiting lists and...well you've heard the spiel a million times before (normally during Prime Minister's Questions), it goes on almost ad infinitum. Now I do not wish to appear ungrateful, but a whole load of this Government's achievements relate, at least in my thinking, to the deficiencies of the Major Government, the hangover from the Thatcher Years and the general state of malaise that was in the minds of Britons in May 1997. Sure this country is better than it was in '97 but after 18 years of the sodding Tories things could hardly have got that much worse, I mean the UK now is hardly a New Jerusalem is it? I do not believe that Blair has been the Prime Minister that he could and should have been, the Labour Party was voted in with a massive mandate to change the country. People were fed up with the Tories, fed up with the corruption, the obsession with money (as Tony Benn correctly recognised when analyzing the British manufacturing industry, apeing Oscar Wilde, that the Thatcherites 'knew the price of everything and the value of nothing') and their totally out-of-touch-with-the-great-British-public persona.
Defenders of Brown, and by God there are shedloads of them, and the more optimistic will say that Gordon is more like 'us'. 'Us' in this instance referring to the rank and file of the Labour Party, the good Comrades who believe, with absolutely no proof or hopeful blind faith, that Gordon Brown is more of a Socialist than Blair. That is like saying I am a better footballer than Stephen Hawkings: I may well be but it still doesn't mean I'm any good. To remind those of us with amnesia, Gordon Brown 'the Socialist' has never voted against any measure introduced by Tony Blair - that includes Iraq, top-up fees, foundation hospitals, Trust schools, PFI and I.D Cards. Gordon Brown 'the Socialist' has also been in favour of the Government not recognising the findings of the Parliamentary Ombudsman over the ongoing Occupational Pensions fiasco. La plus ca change, la plus la meme chose?
This brings me to the actual point that I wanted to make about the Deputy Leadership campaign. Paul Linford has done a quick sweep of some Labour bloggers to find out who they were backing for Deputy Leader . I think the general consensus of the results was that they told more of the individual bloggers than the views of the Labour Party rank and file. No shit, really? The point I would make is that does it really matter who is Deputy if Brown is the leader, or McDonnell for that matter? The only worthwhile leadership in living memory (only just) was the 1981 Healey vs. Benn dust-up, which was essentially a fight between the Centre and the Right (Centre being the revisionist term. Contemporaries saw it has a struggle between the Right and Left wings of the Labour Party - little did they know that Blair would do away with Clause 4 and give new meaning to the word Right in hte Labour Party context).
Recently, Sheffield Wednesday appointed Brian Laws as manager; I was pretty happy about this. I couldn't say I was too fussed that at the same time Russ Wilcox was appointed Assistant Manager. Back in the days of boundless enthusiasm, I thought Sven would do a good job for England, I didn't really hold an opinion about Tord Grip (and still don't - actually I don't think I'd recognise him if I walked past him in the street). I would point out that Jon Cruddas does actually seem to have ideas about the role of the Deputy Leader and the importance in re-establishing the link between the Party and the Government. The others don't seem to actually say anthing, and how can they? They're not going to be Leader.

The Bitterest Pill (I ever had to swallow)

2007-02-19T04:26:00.000-12:00

is that the Jam are reforming, but without Paul Weller. The Jam are one of my all-time most faovurite bands and initially I was quite excited to see they were reforming, this excitement has been tempered by the fact that Bruce Foxton (bass and vocals) and Rick Buckler (drums) are going for it without Paul Weller. This isn't the Jam then, is it? More like low-fat marmalade. Still, I imagine it will be better than most of the w*nk currently in the charts.

F.A Cup

2007-02-19T01:51:00.001-12:00

Yet another boring F.A Cup draw this time for the Quarter Finals. Is it just me or has this tournament really been this indeterminably dull?

Middlesbrough or West Brom v Manchester United or Reading

Arsenal or Blackburn v Manchester City

Chelsea v Tottenham

Plymouth v Watford

No, that's pretty dull.

Update: Just for a change, common sense has been conspicuous in its absence within the hallowed corridors of the F.A. A suggestion mooted by Arsene 'the Professor' Whinger and Glenn 'The Smallest Mouth in Football' Roeder that replays in the F.A Cup should be scratched has fallen upon deaf ears. So what that it causes loads of fixture congestion and only a moderate proportion of fans will turn up to replays played midweek; just think of the wonga you can get by screening yet another Middlesbrough replay. And, of course, punditry from insightful legends like Shearer (zzzzzzz...), Wright (ah man, you know what I mean Al?) and Hansen (they're playing with passion, power, passion, power and power)

Yet another cricket post

2007-02-19T01:03:00.000-12:00

I am sorry to bore you all, but it's not everyday you come across stuff like this: a glorious hour-and-a-bit of Australia pummeling South Africa and the South Africans pummeling the Aussies that little bit more.

Better late than never

2007-02-18T23:05:00.000-12:00

After England beat Australia in the ODIs, I got a text message from A Source Formerly Close to the PM who was quite excited by Jamie Dalrymple's catch to dismiss Shane Watson. Well, here it is for you to enjoy in all it's glory. You got to love Freddie sliding in to congratulate him and Mark Nicholas, always prone to hyperbole even at his calmest, going with "a phenomenal grab...[some noises indicating that he's just seen one of the world's great marvels]...one of the great catches."

Doh! Simpson to stand down

2007-02-18T22:52:00.000-12:00

I was really upset to read that Alan Simpson, the Labour MP for Nottingham South has decided to stand down at the next General Election. I can well understand his sense of frustration, the Labour Party is currently not the greatest haven for socialists. I have a lot of respect for him and wish him all the best. The quote in his resignation letter is pertinent: "There are good people in the Parliamentary Labour Party but not enough of them. At times, I feel that colleagues would vote for the slaughter of the first born if asked to." Not only vote for it, but probably justify it by saying it was in the manifesto and the Government has to deliver on its manifesto promises.

How come we weren't allowed to stick the foot in

2007-02-18T05:37:00.000-12:00

After a 5-0 mauling in the Ashes, England somehow turned things around and won the Tri-Series. In the final, you will recall that, England won 2-0 and, therefore, with the result already determined the third match didn't happen. And then to compound things for our Antipodean cousins, our other Antipodean cousins have also beaten them 2-0 in the Chappell-Hadlee Trophy. Yet New Zealand will have the chance to get another morale pumping victory, and the Aussies get the chance to win and regain some confidence. Bloody conspiracy, I tell you.

I got your back!

2007-02-18T05:21:00.000-12:00

Whiter than white took another turn for the grey with the news that Lord Goldsmith, the Attorney General, has been having it away. Now I do agree that an affair does not effect the person's ability to do a job, but it would kind of be...novel, if Tony Blair didn't back all of his colleagues who've been having affairs:

Blair backs Goldsmith (the Guardian)

Blair backs Blunkett (the Guardian)

Blair backs Prescott (the BBC) - actually it's only the 'PM's Spokesperson', but when it comes to backers you take what you can get

That's a lot of backing. I suppose that's why it's all Current Affairs.

Close shave for Shitney Beers

2007-02-18T05:07:00.000-12:00

Yep Britney's gone for the Sinead O'Connor look. And very crap it is too. Hey Britney, you missed a bit. I thought I'd visit her website to see if there were new galleries, but sadly it appears as if her website is being overhauled.

Audley Harrison

2007-02-18T04:47:00.000-12:00

I just cant keep up. Is he the Olympic champion, national hero? Or is he the guy who continually beats non-descript opponents? Or is he the guy who lost a very dull fight to Danny Williams? Or he is the guy who demolished Williams in the rematch? Or is he the guy who just got decked by Michael Sprott? So many questions, you judge for yourself but here's a picture of him on his ass from Saturday night.

Shirley you can't be serious...THE CAT????!!???

2007-02-18T04:11:00.000-12:00

My joy at the passing of two of my least favourite Eastenders characters ever: Pauline (to death) and Sonia (to Manchester), has been somewhat tempered by the introduction of Shirley Carter. Now Shirley's been around the block a few times, and she isn't scared to remind anyone who crosses her, or even talks to her actually, by drawing reference to her years on the clock whilst exuding a heavily perfumed (Eau de Marlboro Light) sexual aura. Truly she is horrific. So I thought I'd find a picture of her so that I could convey my feelings on this subject. I duly entered "Shirley Eastenders" into Google and was directed to the Eastenders character site (almost every character past and present has their own page), but strangely not to the page of Shirley Carter, for that is the surname of this tough-as-nails Shirley; but rather to the page of Shirley Benson. You remember her don't you? Shirley lived downstairs from Gavin, the neighbour from hell. She also had storylines, and romantic tristes, with the Ferreira family. Sadly the Ferreira family never quite clicked, I mean an Asian family in the East End? That's unbelievable. Or was it perhaps that the father of the household, Dan, kept on dressing up as Elvis or that his offspiring were crap: there was Adi: the boring one, Ash: the boring one, Kareena: the boring one and Ronnie and Tariq - THE BAD BOYS ONES (two), but boring. Anyway, the biogs of the characters have their links to other characters, love interests and their individual 'ups and downs' and Shirley's down brings a tear to my eye. Not only did she have her rows with Gavin, her neighbour from hell (mentioned above) and her love interests with the Ferriera family (mentioned above) but, worst of all, her cat was killed. Not by the curiosity of her owner's stories, one would speculate.