Friday, January 27, 2006

From House of Commons to Big Brother House to Empty House

Robotic dancing with Pete Burns - possible encore material for legitimate politician's very worthwhile, and not remotely self-obsessed, tour.

He's back and it's just like he'd never gone - because he's still not in the House of Commons. Real politician, George Galloway MP has returned from his stomach churningly terrible prolonged appearance in the Celebrity Freakshow Circus.
Straight from not serving his constituents, and probably to prove a point, Gorgeous George is on a nationwide tour. However, things look less than peachy for the budding racconteur with more than 800 tickets for his show in Northampton thought to remain unsold with only 34 sold so far.
I know you want to spread your message to the people George, but 34 people? That religious scouse lunatic who hangs around Oxford Circus way ("Don't be a sinner, be a winner") gets more. And he's free.
Actually, thinking about it, Galloway might get a larger audience if he actually takes part in a debate in the House of Commons.

Lib Dem confusion

Yellow peril

OK so your leader's a drunk. Kick him out. Ever since the members of the Shadow shadow cabinet came to this conclusion things have all gone a bit wrong for the Liberal Democrats. Too Liberal to be machiavellian, or just woefully unaware of the perils around the corner?
Charles Kennedy - drunk. Mark Oaten - how do you sum that up in one soundbite? Simon Hughes - liar. Just briefly, Simon Hughes is gay. But last week he wasn't? Of course not, last week he has lied shamelessly. I fully understand the social stigma of not coming-out and I fear it reflects very negatively on our society that homosexuals do not feel able to express themselves in their professional life. However, what with allegations of phone services used, Mr Hughes has confirmed he has had gay and straight relationships; and he didn't mean to lie and it was all a big mistake and by the way could you still vote for me as Leader (despite the fact I have just lied. A lot. And I'm not in Government yet, although I may never get any closer)
But the plot thickens, and thank you Kerron for drawing my attention to this scoop
I thought it was Charles Kennedy who was the lush?

Mozart: Dead and Loving It

If only he hadn't died at such a tender, young age (35) Mozart would be 250 today. Tragically, however, he did so today he remains sadly deceased.

How Mozart would look today (the fact the female strikes a remarkable semblance to Baroness Thatcher is purely coincidental and in no way indicative of anything at all)

Apparently, grave-robbers dug up Mozart looking for wealth. However, when they prised the nails out of the coffin and popped the lid off they were amazed to find Mozart playing the piano backwards. Yes he was DECOMPOSING.

I heard that joke years ago and I loved it, but I found another Mozart joke:

Baz Luhrmann was directing a hit film based on several famous composers. During casting he was surprised to be so impressed by Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger (you know the guy who drives around California without the right bike licence but still gets off free). He asked Sly who he wanted to play, and he replied; "I like Mozart, can I be Mozart?". Luhrmann then asked Arnie who replied "Ja, I'll be Bach."

Blair Bitch Project

3 Blairs, which one will go first?

Competitor #1

Prime Minister, formerly of big smile. First made decision to stand down in 1985. Still here.

Competitor #2

Metropolitan Police Commissioner. Sir. Foot-in-mouth specialist and professional media non-savant.

Competitor #3

Older than the moon. Dancer. Celebrity reality programme whore. No discernible purpose.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Beef off the menu

Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will be unable to update this site as frequently as I would like for the next 6 weeks or so give or take. Hopefully, I will be able to post new items (or maybe one day a news item) at weekends and maybe a night or two in the week.
I will be back, you can STEAK your life on it.

A load of balls...

...were drawn to determine who Scotland will valiantly be knocked out by.

Austria and Switzerland strictly out of bounds for non-English Britons in the summer of 2008.

So here is our first post-Sven group. And, hopefully in a omen of what is to come, we have lucked out massively. Along with footballing pygmies such as Andorra, Macedonia and Estonia, we have drawn Israel (masters of the impressive draw and geographically as European as Pluto), Russia and Croatia (who were one of the first to be Rooney-ed in Euro 2004).
May I be the first to offer my condolences to Scotland for a brave and fruitless campaign, to Wales and the Republic of Ireland for drawing Germany and Czech Republic and to Northern Ireland for being sh*t.
With two nations qualifying from this group, I will put my rump on the line to predict the following to qualify: Portugal, Serbia and Montenegro, France, Italy, Turkey, Greece, Czech Republic, Germany, England, Croatia, Spain, Sweden, Holland (who also have a well easy group) and Romania.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

When words aren't needed.

Well even with exchange rates Mister Fister realised $1.99 was cheaper than £80

Monday, January 23, 2006

Svend of the road

People rejoice money-mad Sven's decision to GO

I like the way he has put himself in the window by pronouncing his intention to go after the World Cup, thus getting the attention of anyone willing to pay his exorbitant salary and tolerate his voracious sexual appetite (oh my God - that sounds like the F.A). Anyone else remember the furore caused and subsequent failure of Jacques Santini's French side in the 2004 European Championships after he did the exact same thing Sven did? Oh well, I feel a safe bet would be that he won't go to Aston Vanilla. Or anywhere in England after his latest revelations about the beautfiul game being riddled with corruption in our fair Isle.
I don't care where he goes, so long as he does. Then the inevitable rumours of who to take over. I'll back Luis Felipe Scolari, a World Cup winner and Gene Hackman look-a-like.

Bloggers dilemma: Nothing in the news? No worries make something up!

Lie back? Open you mouth? Rapidly getting into libel territory...

Celebrity ex-baldies Cheryl Baker (see earlier post: An Epiphany on the Tube) and Shane Warne (who may still be considered a baldie in some circles after the product he endorsed was proven not to do a great deal. I'll say allegedly, I am sure I heard this but don't have the time or inclination to check this out) sprang to the defence of fellow baldie, and recently outed sexual deviant, Mark Oaten.
Cheryl sang, "♫Defecation is the name of the game and I want to play the game with you♫" whilst Well-Bowled-Warney cautioned Oaten to use a lot of spin.

What does a Liberal Democrat MP and a Premiership manager have in common?

McLaren: Not scared of trying something new.

They both like men to get dressed up in football kits to humiliate and degrade them.
Allegedly. On two counts.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Chop Souey!

Strike a pose all you want, the Angel of the North you aint.

Despite being informed that this headline has been used by the Sun and by various other hacks/comedians, I am keeping it cos I had not seen it and thought I had coined a funny and original title.
Some people are really bad at their job: the designers of the Scottish Parliament; people who thought the North-East was ready for Regional Assemblies and the owners of my local Chinese restaurant spring to mind, add to this illustrious list: Mr Graeme Souness.
Where do you start? How's about the centre backs Jean-Alain Boumsong and Titus Bramble, a pair of clowns who offer the defensive stability of the Maginot Line. Or perhaps Celestine Babayaro who has turned in some of the most abysmal performances outside of (Fr)audley Harrison. Or could it be the feeling of team unity he inspires? I present Messrs Bowyer and Dyer as a case in point. Or how about £9 million plus for Luque? How's about signing Nicky Butt totally mismanaging him and getting rid of him to Birmingham? The list is endless, but I shall continue. If there is one thing Souey does well, it's p*ss off his star players: during his managerial career players he has forced out of his club are Nicky Butt, David Dunn, Dwight Yorke, Andy Cole and Craig Bellamy.
He was also responsible, whilst at the helm at Southampton, for the unearthing of Ali Dia. This guy entered football folklore when he rang up Souness claiming to be Geroge Weah and selling himself as Weah's cousin! Sound ridiculous? You bet! Souness signed him up, whacked him on the bench, brought him on and quickly subbed him off. He was no good, well actually he was worse than his surname implies and a total fraud, who of course had never met George Weah - never mind be his cousin.
He has also managed teams globally. Lasting a season at Galatasaray. A little longer at Benfica where he brought in such journeymen pros (no diesrespect meant) such as Mark Pembridge, Michael Thomas, Gary Charles, Steve Harkness, Dean Saunders and Brian Deane - it's akin to Barcelona signing Emile Heskey. Ok that's just plain silly. He then continued by going to Torino and lasting four months. He's going round the world like Phileas Fogg here.
His only success was at Rangers where he was bankrolled to high heaven and a F.A Cup victory in 1992, which still didn't save him from the axe at Liverpool. The case for the prosecution rest, m'lord.

Mark's been sowing his Oats


Mark Oaten: 21st century Liberal

Before I start, by means of a disclaimer, I hope this whole sorry situation ends as quickly and painlessly as possible for all involved parties. I don't think it will, but good luck.
We thought it was because he only had the support of Lembit Opik, but reasons more sinister explain Mark Oaten's withdrawal from the Liberal Democrat Leader Election. Firstly, may I apologise, I said this campaign was boring, well scrap that; it is absolute dynamite.
In a scoop that I sincerely hope was not obtained by Mazher Mahmood, the News of the World has revealed that Mark Oaten, the balding and happily married MP for Winchester had frequently...frequented a male prostitute - evoking memories of former Liberal leader, Jeremy Thorpe.
The rent-boy said "Before one session he rang several times asking if I'd dress up in a football strip for him. He really seemed to enjoy himself that night." Since the revelation came to light, Mark Oaten has resigned as Lib Dem spokesman for Home Affairs perhaps because as a keen supporter of Watford FC, Mark Oaten clearly enjoys playing away from home.
The rent-boy continued; "When he arrived we put on a show for him. I started having sex with my boyfriend on the bed then Oaten stripped and began pleasuring himself. Then he said he wanted us to degrade him." The naked MP then got the rent boys to humiliate him with a bizarre sex act too revolting to describe. You know the writing is on the wall if the News of the World deems something too revolting to describe. Is this the meaning of 'tough liberalism'.
It also seems that it took the rent-boy months to find out who Mark Oaten was: well he's not on his own there. I think you'd have to be sub-human not to feel any sympathy for Mark Oaten, but a man who last year condemned a judge who was sacked for hiring rent boys has shown either chronic naivety or gross arrogance in standing for Leader.
And the reaction of these three gentlemen was lamentable:

Friday, January 20, 2006

Whale I never

A painting depicting the ugly scene, as seen from the Terrace, House of Commons.

There's a whale in the Thames. Not content with historical offences as having Jonah in his stomach for 3 days and 3 nights and eating Ahab's leg; this miscreant has taken a wrong turn and ended up down the Thames.
The whale is obviously too massive and is running out of water (imagine Celebrity Fit Club - apart from Mickey Quinn - without snacks) so may well die. If it does, whales are edible and a website I found offers a recipe for Marinated Fried Blue Whale (the same site also offers Dolphin Casserole, Spotted Giraffe Pot Pie, Teriyaki Rhino Meat Balls (a common complaint suffered by many), Cat Stew, Pineapple Glazed Manatee and White Bengal Meat Loaf. Who's running this site? Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall? The question remains: why is there a whale in the Thames? It has always interested (ok that is a massive exaggeration) me that animals no where they are going. For instance birds migrating. So perhaps the whale simply took a wrong turn and considering it's massive girth and lack of an annoying alarm HGVs have for when reversing the poor blighter is unable to move. Destined to settle down, probably in an unhappy marriage, somewhere in Oxford - unless it learns to read and realises it is very lost and thus turns round. Very sad, especially if it ends up in a Council-owned property next to two prostitutes and a maid. Whatever, I am sure it will have a whale of a time.

My next door neighbours a prostitute, get me out of here

The village bike? Yes, she lives at no. 14 although her friends at no. 59 are cheaper

According to some the Government proposal to permit two prostitutes and a maid working in a single premises will lead to red-light districts, or sex ghettos at I hope opponents will come to label them as. This would lead to the darkening of the country's moral dignity. However, on the plus side it would make for a far more interesting Daz door-step challenge. I'd love to see Danny Baker, Shane Ritchie, Ant and Dec or whoever does the adverts now, knocking on a door offering one box of Daz to be encountered by a 'lady of the night'.
I caught a bit of Question Time last night and the panellists all seemed to be of the same broad opinion; namely that it was fine so long as it was not on my doorstep. The sort of NIMBY argument that oozes out of Andrew Rosindell when anyone mentions Crossrail. That is apart from Labour's shining light, Chris Bryant who (accidentally or deliberately, I am still not 100%) said that he would not want a brothel in his own house.
This proposal should go a long way to tackling deprivation, drug and alcohol dependency and the sex-slave-trade - expect Middle Britain, ably prodded and cajoled to fever pitch by the tabloid press, to go apesh*t then.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

It's Father Time

Superheroes rather than super dads

Time gentlemen time. And so to perish with all the dignity normally reserved for a cheat on Who Wants To Be a Millionaire, Fathers4Justice R.I.P.
It is unbelievable that a group that comes from a very sad, and much in need of reform, situation became a bunch of troublesome hoodlums, who should have been given ASBOs rather than access rights to their children.
For me Fathers4Justice showed a plethora of man's most unattractive traits: arrogance, lack of patience, bullying and hogging the limelight. The real tragedy is not the group's demise but moreover the injustice that still continues to exist that single father's are duty-bound to contribute to their child's life fiscally whilst not having the same duty, and in most cases pleasure, of being a part of their child's upbringing.
Things started to go downhill about the time of the infamous purple powder incident, where two condoms full of a purple powder were chucked at Tony Blair during PMQs. This appealed to my sense of humour greatly, but did nothing to further a cause that needed a more carefully planned argument than farce and slapstick. Around this time rumours abounded that some of the main protaganists of Fathers4Justice were sacrificing spending time with their other children to do these silly and foolish stunts. Then followed high-profile trespasses and security breaches at the London Eye; Buckingham Palace, the Foreign Office by Downing Street and Westminster Hall. These pranks, by fathers disguised as superheroes, led the people of the UK to see these people for what they were (most of them not all of them) stupid, little boys who basically sulked when they couldn't get their own way and did their best to disrupt everyone around them. No-one would ever compare Fathers4Justice to the suffragettes, would they?
It even led to the rarest of things - Londoners agreeing with Ken Livinigstone. When a protester in full Spiderman clobber scaled a crane on Tower Bridge Ken said the stunt demonstrated why "some men should not have access to their children". The latest supposed plot - to kidnap Leo Blair - was planned by 4 men dressed as Father Christmas. Former wives and girlfriends of group members have told of violence in their relationships and children witnessing their father's aggression, and Matt O'Connor, the founder of the group, admitted that Fathers4Justice had largely been run by women for two years.

Lib Dem Leadership Latest. 4 becomes 2 1/2

Oaten. Lost. Badly.

Much like Derek Redmond in the 1992 Olympic 400m semi-final, Mark Oaten has pulled up with quite a way to go. I find it amusing that the man who stood on a platform of metamorphosising the Lib Dumbs into a "truly modern 21st century party" has seen his chances go up in smoke already. Perhaps prophetic?
It is believed that Mr Oaten only had the support of a small handful of MPs. I think most of them were Conservative or Labour members. A statement is expected at 15:30 but as there is nothing else to say you don't need to tune in.
So then there were 2 (Campbell and Hughes) and a 1/2 (Who? Huhne). As it appears Viscount Thurso is destined not to stand, full support must be given to Who? in the hope that someone can re-hash the classic Abbott and Costello skit of "Who's on? Yes Who. But Who?" - probably better to watch, than to read.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

An Epiphany on the Tube

Making your mind up

'"Are you worried by thinning hair?" I was.' So speaks Cheryl Baker formerly of Bucks Fizz and Recorder Breakers fame. These adverts, on the Tube, are for Nourkrin, an anti-balding concotion of alleged great potency, and are giving Cheryl an Underground following (boom, boom). In a new celebrity incarnation Cheryl has fought, and beaten, hair loss. Mazel Tov. You are a Record Breaker and if I shut my eyes I can almost hear Kris Akabusi laughing suitably (?!?) loudly and encouragingly.
Nourkrin is available at Holland & Barrett, Boots and Superdrug. Alternatively for a private and confidential, on the QT chat (and to get the real Grade A top sh*t ;-0) call 08453990022. So if you have over-indulged over Yuletide and want to make a New Years' resolution to stop being so bald call that number and have hair like Cheryl Baker - a must for men and women alike. Now where's my phone...

Technical Problems

Dudes and Dudettes,

Due to technical problems, I will not be updating this website for the rest of the day. I am unable to post pictures using my usual software and other methods are a lot trickier and take a lot longer.
So apologies chums. That being said you are all worth the effort so please accept this picture in the short term.



Tuesday, January 17, 2006

It's just not cricket

No need to run for that one

Sorry for the format of this post. For some reason my software to publish photos is up the swanny, leaving me with this inferior method as favoured by inferior sites. Just a quick note; the support/help facility offered is absolutely abysmal.
So here we are: India vs. Pakistan. Always a fiery fixture due to the country's obvious differences and hatreds.
Pakistan amassed a massive 679-7 declared including hundreds for Younis Khan, Mohammed Yousuf, Shahid Afridi and Kamran Akmal. This put the pressure firmly on India, whose openers Virender Sehwag and Rahul Dravid plundered 410 for the first wicket before Sehwag was out falling 4 runs short of setting a Test record stand for the first wicket.
In the match 141 fours and 13 sixes were hit. Over both innings wickets fell at an average of 136. For those of you who are not cricket fans, let's just say that this favours the batsmen.
The wicket was basically incredibly easy to score on. The last time Pakistan played at Lahore they totalled 636-8 dec. Point proved? Almost. Their opponents in this match were none other than old Blighty, who got 288 all out and 248 all out. Ouch!
England will soon be playing India. It may not be happy viewing for the Barmy Army.

George is Dead, Long Live George

The human face of George Galloway

Obviously, Goneaway is not dead. He's in the Big Brother house. It's just the title of this post.
So who is this gent in the pic? It is Steve Waltho, former Dudley Cllr and current beau (and husband) of Lynda Waltho, MP for Stourbridge.
Sadly for those who would like to keep the links going, Steve is not an arseh*le and does not pretend to be feline and drink milk out of Lynda's hands.
Lynda courted controversy when she was reported to Labour Party whips for holding George Galloway's hand in Central Lobby.

MP in pointless Motion shock

I'm an MP, vote for me please

Thanks to Recess Monkey (didn't forget to mention you, big guy!) I found myself having a quick look at EDMs, Parliamentary Motions that give:

a) hard-working committed MPs the chance to bring national attention to pertinent issues, or
b) sycophants the chance to hawk for votes with a well-timed local Press Release.

I'm not sure which category this one falls in to, but I am sure readers could have a guess.


Vaz, Keith

That this House congratulates Leicester City Football Club of the Championship League on its excellent victory against Tottenham Hotspur in the FA Cup Third Round; recognises the commitment, talent and courage in coming back from a two-nil deficit to beat a top-flight Premiership team; further commends the Manager, Craig Levein, club Chairman Jim McCahill and match-winning goal scorer Mark De Vries on one of the most exciting and dramatic FA Cup matches in the history of the competition; and wishes the Foxes' supporters a successful cup campaign.

If any Leicester City hating or Sheffield Wednesday supporting MPs are reading this (which they won't be, so please draw their attention this way) could someone table an amendment to mention their subsequent 2-1 defeat at the hands of the Mighty Owls, which moved Wednesday further away from the Relegation Zone, whilst leaving Leicester third from bottom.

Monday, January 16, 2006

George Goneaway Licks His Wounds

Channel 4 freakshow continues

George Goneaway's fiasco appearance on Channel 4 continues full steam ahead. Apparently, Channel 4 has censored his rants, which means instead we get to enjoy Goneaway as Dracula, or as pictured above licking imaginery milk from Rula Lenska's hands. Words fail me, so here below is the actual duologue:

Rula (87) is on the rug (certianly not on the rag). Goneaway is on the couch. Big Brother has suggested they do animal role play exercises to prepare for the task.

George: "Would you like me to be the cat?"

Rula: "Yes please."

Goneaways gets in crouching position and meows away

Rula: "Here pussy, pussy, yes. More tickles it's OK . Oooh little pussy cat, there there pussy cat."

Goneaway salivates and smacks his lips

Rula: "You stay there, I'll get you some milk, you like that don't you."

Rula pretends to get some milk (from the fridge and thankfully not her withered body). George is now on all fours, lapping pretend milk from Rula's cupped, and wrinkly, hands.

Rula: "Yes, good pussy cat. That's right, delicious! Good girl, good girl. You've got cream all over your whiskers."

She rubs his sideburns and says: "Good pussy cat." George nuzzles into her lap and starts purring (I think). Rula caresses his head and behind his ears (where he is still politically wet?!?!).

Rula: "Oooh yes, has it been a trying day with all those people coming into the house, has it? You just like being alone with your mummy, don't you?"

Sick yet?

The shenanighans continue in Goneaway's second favourite House, the House of Commons, where Chris Bryant spoke on a Point of Order (these are ways for Parliamentary snitches and grasses to try and get someone else in trouble with the Speaker).

Chris Bryant (Rhondda) (Lab): On a point of order, Mr. Speaker. I apologise for raising this point now, because it does not directly relate to the business at hand, but I wanted to give you notice of this point of order. I hope that this is an apposite moment. You will know that the hon. Member for Bethnal Green and Bow (Mr. Galloway) is not present and, indeed, is incommunicado. However, he managed to sign last Thursday 12 early-day motions, which appear on today's Order Paper. One of them, early-day motion 1297, is about abandoned animals at Christmas, but I do not know whether cats were included. Is it in order for an hon. Member who is not present and has no means of being in communication with this House to sign early-day motions? I suggest that it might be worth while investigating how he has managed to do so.

Mr. Speaker: I do watch "Big Brother" and I saw the one about the cat and the one about the boxers. I know that some hon. Members give authority to another hon. Member to put their names on early-day motions, but I cannot think of any hon. Member who would do so in this instance. I will look into the matter, and that is the best that I can do. I will also continue watching "Big Brother" in my spare time.

(Courtesy of Hansard obviously, but thanks to a chum for bringing this to my attention. Like me he values his anonymity so I shall just call him Smokey McPot. Cheers Smokey.)

Great answer from Mr Speaker there. Unlucky for Chris Bryant, obviously getting into Panto mode as Mr Toad. Not like he'd be caught with his trousers down in a state, that some would say, is unbecoming of a MP.

Shock Horror: Henman in losing sensation

Plays air tennis with a guitar and air guitar with a tennis racquet

Oh dear. Tiger Tim or Timmy the end is nigh. Henman Hill will become Murray Mount. I always found Tiger a little bit annoying, ok a big bit. It's not his continued "brave Brit gets to Quarters/Semi" schtick. It's something about him. Sorry. If the rumours of him, one day, becoming a Tory MP candidate are true this would probably explain it.
This time, it was his Wimbledom tormentor Dmitri Tursunov who hammered another nail into Henman's coffin beating him 7-5 3-6 4-6 5-7. In the last set Timmy was 5-1 up to lose 7-5.
With Andy Murray also crashing out in straight sets and Greg Rusedski not playing this tournament due to his wife, Lucy, being about to drop; Britan's hopes are already over.

Sunday, January 15, 2006

Klaasen beats Barney Rubble at the Double

Klaasen wins double Dutch final

Tony Green's dreadful commentary aside, this year's BDO championship has been a treat. Sadly, I must admit to having missed the final after teaming with my beloved in an ill-fated doubles match. We lost 4-2.
Jelle Klaasen, a hitherto minnow in a sport previously generally dominated by monsters, beat odds-on favourite Raymond Van Barneveld 7-5 in sets to capture the tournament. For a couple of years the BDO was in decline when compared to the PDC, the breakaway federation whose World Championships are shown on Sky Sports.
This year was crucial for the BDO. Frankly, last year's was a disappointment and many felt that there was too little klaas (ouch, bad pun) and that the PDC was far superior. To a point it is, or more aptly Phil 'the Power' Taylor is the best player in the world ever and would beat anyone else 9 times out of a 10.
This year, chez Auntie, after a decidely average first couple of rounds, the trebles started flying in, the averages were high, the doubles hit and the tension was...tense. Whereas across the frequency lengths in Murdoch's glitzy Wonderland Phil Taylor, almost inevitably, trounced everyone in his path to his 13th World Title.
Darts in Holland is massive. And apparently Queen Beatrice was watching (on TV rather than at Frimley Green). It's hard to imagine Queen Elizabeth cheering on Andy Fordham.
Also, Jelle Klaasen is not fat, not even rotund. Darts has evolved a lot from the days of the Not The Nine O'Clock New's infamous, and very well written and acted, parody. We shall now await the biggie, the Parliamentary Darts Championship. Where a range of good-looking lithe combatants (and decidely ugly fellow Bloggers 2darts and Charlton Hofie) will try to beat each other up. Indeed 2 years ago, I fondly recall losing in the First Round of the Doubles with a recently turned 30 years old Blogger, who most certainly isn't fat (although he is shorter than me and weighs more!)

England manager? You're having a laugh

Hands up if you're greedy, naive, over-rated, sex mad and have never heard of Mazher Mahmood

To anyone who has read previous posts on this site, it should be abundantly clear that I have little time for Svennis and I find him ripe for satirising, sadly as I am not that amusing I have to settle for cheap puns and cheaper gags.
Celebrating his 5 year anniversary in a manner to which we have all become accustomed Sven has been caught with his trousers down. For once, however, there were no nubile women around; but rather a fake Sheikh in the guise of the infamous Mazher Mahmood, investigative journalist for the News of the World.
Mahmood, fronting a non-existant arab sporting conglomerate, suggesting buying a Premiership club and installing Svennis as manager. The club in question is perennial under-achievers Aston Vanilla (everybody licks them). Sven was offered a contract of about £5 million per annum and said if he won the World Cup he would be leaving the England post anyway. (But if you don't we are still lumbered???)
Sven said he would be able to get Golden Balls himself, David Beckham, to ditch Madrid for Birmingham (Posh might have taken a little more convincing). He also hinted Michael Owen was unhappy at Newcastle. I can't imagine why? (COUGH *Souness* SPLUTTER *Bramble* CHOKE *£8 million for Boumsong*).
Sven also made remarks about Rooney and Ferdinand. The F.A, never one to shy away from backing the incompetent to the hilt, have given Sven their unconditional support, saying that he was fully entitled to discuss his future. But is he not under contract? Did he not get a massive payrise to stop him going to Chelsea? Indeed, he did; a £1 million rise in his annual paycheck. All he did in response was to give Mark Palios Faria's mobile number (some Sheikh confided in me).
The fact that Sven's remarks are banal in the extreme (would you expect anything else) should not distract that he is showing zero loyalty to his current job and is obsessed by money. The fact that the News of the World continues to act with a remarkable lack of decency is also not relevant here. The problem is that we have a World Cup a matter of months away and bumping off Sven would not help our preparations. Especially, when his assistant is Steve McLaren; who when not holding Sven's umbrella presides over a Middlesboro team that lost 7-0 to Arsenal. The magician's apprentice indeed.

Friday, January 13, 2006

Affleck pays in kind for diapers

Ben Affleck: an actor whose films bomb more than the Luftwaffe

Ben Affleck found himself out shopping for diapers for his daughter Violet and found himself without any money. "I've got to get these or my wife will kill me" Affleck said. Someone offered to buy his cap off him for money, Affleck refused. Then some woman offered to pay in return for some snogging action. He accepted. What a man! "Sorry I cheated on you but I had to buy some diapers."
"Oh that's fine darling, here's some condoms because Violet needs a new romper suit"
Only in America. It's a shame that Affleck, whose hobbies include marrrying women called Jennifer, continues to turn out such shocking films. Any actor with turkeys such as Changing Lanes; Armageddon; the ridiculously corny Good Will Hunting and Paycheck under his belt can we considered bad. Words fail me when you consider he also has Daredevil; Pearl Harbour; Gigli and Bounce on his C.V.
However, this story is not the latest. Oh no. Not satisfied with such a dreadful catalogue of films behind him (Dogma and Kevin Smith films aside), rumours have emerged that Affleck and his thespian soul-mate Matt Damon are going to film a re-make of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.

Bored of the bronze medal leadership campaign? Same here's easy if you try

Bloggers delight, it's an election. Of sorts. I am so bored of this campiagn already. The only guy I'd like to see win it would be Viscount Thurso. You can tell it's boring with people setting up sites to big up Sarah Teather and John Hemming. And the best bit is they are funny, by funny I mean not serious rather than humourous.
They could ballot their membership and MPs in an afternoon, so get a move on and consolidate that third place.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

World Cup Top Ten Memories

#1 Arrested development, Diana Ross 1994 World Cup

It’s amazing. The World Cup is the most awesome sporting competition. But my favourite memory is, without a shadow of a doubt, this little beauty. The prevalent school of thought is that the 1994 World Cup was the worst of modern memory, due mainly to a Turnip-managed England failing to qualify.
However, there were many highlights Roberto Baggio dragging Italy to the final only to miss a penalty in the shoot-out; Bulgaria beating Germany; Roger Milla becoming the oldest-ever World Cup goal scorer (I think he was 56) and his compatriot Rigobert Song (later to play abysmally for Liverpool and West Ham) becoming the youngest player to get sent-off in a World Cup (aged 17). Colombian Andreas Escobar being murdered for scoring an own-goal vs. the U.S. Said Al-Owairan’s wonder goal vs. Belgium (see earlier entry) and Oleg Salenko bagging 5 goals vs. Cameroon.
All of these pale into comparison though. People feared that the U.S did not understand football. Rumours were that U.S T.V execs wanted games split into 4 quarters for more advert breaks. These worries were compounded at the opening ceremony when some fat Yank ordered a thin and crusty Supreme cos here comes Diana Ross.
All she has to do is kick a big football into a massive goal from about 2 yards out. Yep. She scuffed it and put it wide (a task regularly replicated by Emile Heskey). However, the goal still collapsed as planned and the fireworks went off. Just sensational stuff.
(Diana Ross was once arrested and banned from driving following an arrest for DUI. She was also once nabbed for assault at Heathrow and got in heavy water for touching rapper, Lil Kim’s breast at the MTV Awards 1999)
If anyone has a jpeg of the Diana Ross penalty blooper please let me know.

World Cup Top Ten Memories

#2 Michael Owen wonder goal vs. Argentina 1998 World Cup

If I ever do another of these hair-brained top ten things remind me to have thought of ten incidents before I start. The one positive thing being that when there is no news about I can revert to type and write about football.
This was the goal that made the world sit up and notice. Michael Owen had arrived. In a warm-up game vs. Morocco, Owen became the youngest ever England goal scorer and had broken the infamous SAS (Shearer and Sheringham) partnership and got a starting place for England.
With the scores level at 1-1, Owen received a pass from Beckham and then ran, and ran, and ran. Bye bye world-class defender Chamot, laterz world-class defender Ayala and pick that one out of the net religious freak Roa (I hope some day to write up a tribute to him). 2-1 England. An 18 year old man-child emerged with two good feet, searing pace and a great shot.
England went on to lose.

Have you seen this man?


How do you break this one? Ok. Kim Jong-Il seems to have disappeared. After a look on t'internet I couldn't find anything on UK-based sites, but have picked up tidbits of international sites.
The problem is that the "Dear Leader" is a crafty beggar and notoriously mysterious. He may have travelled to China, his closest ally, last Tuesday and U.S Intelligence (a contradiction in terms - thanks for that one Groucho!) maintain this is where he is. South Korean sources allege he is in Russia.
The six-nation talks, taking place in Beijing, between the two Koreas, the U.S, China, Japan and Russia are currently suspended after Washington imposed financial sanctions against Kim. The Americans accuse the North Koreans of counterfeiting money, money laundering, drug trafficking and selling arms of mass destruction.
For the sake of everyone let us hope that, like Elvis and Lord Lucan, Kim Jong-Il never turns up. Sadly, I am sure he will and doubt there'll ever be reported sightings of him working in Birmingham.

5 years of Sven Goran Nokia

Sven showing more emotion than usual

Who'd have thunk it? Today marks 5 years of Svennis. I'm not a particular fan of him, but do acknowledge some great moments: the 5-1 thrashing of Germany; beating Argentina 1-0 in the 2002 World Cup and the recent 3-2 friendly victory over Argentina spring to mind. However, debacles such as defeat against Australia and Northern Ireland and plenty of unconvincing performances against footballing giants like Azerbaijan; Macedonia; Wales and a total lack of plan B during the 2004 Euros after Wayne Rooney spacked his foot up serve as more painful memories.
Whilst looking for a suitable picture of Svennis, I stumbled across this one which makes me regret not finding it before Christmas.

And indeed who can forget Sven's classics:

1) 30 odd caps for Emile Heskey
2) Phil Neville accumulating over 50 caps (albeit not all of them under the Swede's stewardship)
3) Chris Powell international left-back
4) Luke Young international right-back
5) Michael Ball (not the singer, but can you imagine: love changes everything apart from that you aint much good)
6) Francis 'Fox in the Box' Jeffers
7) Michael 'Plays football like he's got' Ricketts
8) Zat 'so bad he makes my teeth hurt' Knight

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Blogger plums new depths (but not in Barrymore's swimming pool)

A picture speaks a thousand words

I knew it would happen, it was inevitable. It simply could not go without being recorded. I received the above picture and none too keen to offend my Mum decided not to post it here. That decision lasted a good 5 minutes.
So Barrymore's back. Awright? The man is a disgrace, let's be honest. An exile in New Zealand, Barrymore has decided to come back to our fair shores and sit in a house with luminaries such as Faria Alam (sex with her bosses); Jodie Marsh (nose like a builder's elbow); George Galloway (moustachioed self-obsessed anti-Semite); Rula Lenska (84) and Pete Burns (6ft plus tranny) amongst others.
Ex TV funnyman Barrymore's fall from grace was instant. Off TV, out of the country, out of sight and almost out of mind. Scrap that: out of his mind. He blubs, hogs the spotlight and blubs again. Perhaps a full and candid confession into what happened that fateful night will help Barrymore exercise his demons. Do that and he might just strike it lucky.
As a postscript, I did enjoy the Barrymore/Burns advice giving session to lucky recipient Jodie Marsh. Barrymore said that when he was younger he was given the advice to "keep my mouth shut and ears open", which comes in handy if the police come round your mansion early in the morning and you happen to be hammered on booze and drugs with a young man's dead body in your swimming pool.

Free vote on smoking

Put that in your pipe and smoke it

Ever since I tentatively expressed an interest in the workings of democracy, I have been aghast at the role played by Whips. The whole idea of Whips strikes me as completely undemocratic. In the same way that an Upper House has always struck me as wrong as it severely curtails the mandate of the party that wins the General Election.
So I am happy that Labour MPs are to be given a free vote on banning smoking in public places. I think the ban will be get through and then smokers can go outside to smoke. They will moan, and then get over it.
Of course, my opinion has nothing to do with a) me being a reformed smoker (since New Years) or b) the most fantastic and beautiful woman I know working for a prominent health charity.

Football bad, wrestling good!


Football is the best. Surely? Well it aint, and don't call me Shirley.
A curious story has emanated from Italy c/o of the Guardian website. Bored of Del Piero, Buffon, Nesta et al the youths of Italy have turned to the WWE. I love wrestling, so this story is manna from heaven.
A random 9 year-old pencil neck geek prefers wrestling "...because it's more dramatic, anything can happen". With all of its glitz and glamour wrestling is attractive to younger viewers. Some say that because the results are pre-determined, wrestling is all fake and rubbish. Fine, fair enough. Don't watch it and problem solved. Or is it?
Like a pantomine baddy enter stage left; Vera Slepoj, president of Italy's national association of psychologists who has claimed there is anecdotal evidence that wrestling had already fuelled school bullying.
Can you imagine? "Give me your lunch money, or I'll powerbomb you through a table and smack you over the head with a trash can lid."
Slepoj continued, "We shouldn't be surprised in a few years if our more vulnerable 15 and 16-year-olds decide to resolve their disputes, in a discotheque or wherever by pulling out a knife." Eh? When are knives used in wrestling? Very rarely, if ever.
Italian national coach, Marcello Lippi recently complained that home-grown talent risked drying up because children no longer played soccer in the streets as they were hooked on wrestling.
Using that rhetoric, perhaps they'll start being good at war again then?
(picture courtesy of

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Fat Chance

Shut your mouth and make sure there's no food in it

By virtue of having a bit of free time yesterday, I caught Celebrity Fit Club. OK, I deliberately saw it, knowing it would be a chance to laugh at people and post it here. At a measly 37.5% non-recognition factor (Sharon Marshall, Jeff Rudom and Carol Malone) I was initially disappointed. Not to worry the laughs were soon on their way. Bobby George might have figured out why he is overweight. Yes, like any self-respecting bejewelled cockney whelk, Bobby has 2 fridges in his bedroom. At about 3 or 4am he will wake up go to the fridge and start gourging himself on chocolate. His wife, Maria says it sometimes wakes her up - apart from that she seemed blissfully content.
I don't like that fat bird off Hollyoaks, at least her character - I have never met Mikyla Dodd herself. I used to enjoy watching Hollyoaks and was always furious when she waddled on screen taking valuable camera time off the assorted hunnis.
However, there is a darker side to this: Anne Diamond seems to have issues. A serial (soon to be cereal) yo-yo dieter, it seems to have a very negative effect on her and she seems on the verge of a breakdown. And then there is Russell Grant. Russell has suffered in the past from depression (after the sad deaths of his grandmothers and dog, Owen). He has also suffered from a vast, seemingly never-ending hunger. He is about 5ft nothing and tips the scales at close to 22st. The show doctor said with his weight and medical conditions he could well die any minute. Bet he didn't see that in his stars. Maybe it would have helped if he could see his (crystal) balls.
So with one star almost dead and another on the verge of a total mental collapse I sincerely hope ITV is insured.
On a positive note: Mickey Quinn. The man is a legend. An awesome goal-scoring striker and now a champion horse trainer and excellent presenter on Talksport. He is great and must win.

Monday, January 09, 2006

Norman Shaw South Photocopiers

They do exactly what it says on the sheet

Good day! I have had the pleasure of working in Norman Shaw South for a few months now, and have been continually annoyed that the communial photocopiers are total rubbish. For copiers the basic necessity, one would think, is to copy sheets of paper. However, these monstrous machines jam and do various odd functions that cause immense frustration.
Even more annoying is that every time I go to use the copiers, they are not working. For some reason various peeps, or staffers as Recess Monkey would call them, do not call for help or roll their sleeves up to sort them out. Yours truly, bull of the people, can be found regularly unjamming the machines.
So today I go to the copiers, they are jammed (both of them), I unjam them and then see someone is similarly irked to the extent they have pinned the above notice to the board. Let's hope we get some copiers then. Portcullis House is too far away.

World Cup Top Ten Memories

#3 In the nick of time: David Platt vs. Belgium 1990

England had come through a tricky group. Even adapting their formation to accomodate Mark Wright as a sweeper. See Sven you can change your tactics if you suck bad enough. In the second round England faced perennial qualifiers and 1986 semi-finalists Belgium. Famous for chocolate, Jean Claude Van Damme, Eddy Merckx, Hercule Poirot, Tin-Tin and the Smurfs (it took a while to do that list - for a more comprehensive list click here)
In the 120th minute with the game lagging to penalties a chip into the box by Gazza is volleyed in by a swivelling David Platt (not Gail's youngest off Coronation Street) and euphoria. 1-0 England.
England then unconvincingly got past the Cameroon before losing on penalties to Germany in the semis to break English hearts.

MPs are mugs to return to debate on drugs

Bit of a drag

So cannabis is to be upgraded to 'Code Red'. Shock horror, as new research proves, or doesn't, that cannabis has links with mental health problems. No sh*t? Really?
It is undoubtable that prolonged, and regular, use (or abuse if you are a Tory) of cannabis has an effect on the psyche. Smoking causes cancer and drinking causes liver failure. As with all stimulants, taken in moderation the effect will be minimal. I just wish that this relapse on Government attitude to cannabis was not caused, as it seems to have been, by a swift reaction to Tabloidus Panickus.
There are irrefutable facts about cannabis. The posturing of politicians, of whichever hue, will not cause more, or less, people to smoke dope. Fact. Another problem is that it is very, very tricky to prove anything has an effect on mental health.
The whole issue of cannabis seems to give MPs yet another chance to be out of step with the kids. People do not need an MP to talk on this subject. I am not in favour of legalisation. I just do not think it will lead to an increase, or decrease, if cannabis is legal or not.
I have always found ugliness and obesity more dangerous to mental health than marijuana.

Sunday, January 08, 2006

By George that's a lot of cash

Money for nothing

As previously stated I am not fussed about Galloway being in the Big Brother House. However, that being said, I am always more than happy to take a cheap shot (not that cheap) at anyone, but particularly Gorgeous George.
I received an email pointing me to this site, so enjoy and lest we forget: STOP THE WAR.
Now if this doesn't get me on to the Labour Blog site what will?

Friday, January 06, 2006

MP enters House of Commoners

Gorgeous George is in da House.

There is a lot of furore over Galloway being in Big Brother. I don't care for the man, and am not too fussed if he is there or in Parliament. Critics have been vocal: "What about his constituents, who is going to represent them?". Shouldn't haved voted him in then, should they?
I was looking at a BBC poll on this subject and found the following entry the best:
"We are ALWAYS looking for our MP's to be in the world of reality, and we are always looking for ways to get to know our MP's true philosophies and drives. What better way could we find to scrutinize? MP's should have to go through a reality programme before they are elected."
So presumably his drive is to befriend Rula Lenska - they have a mutual friend (how Dickensian?) through the Nicaragua Solidarity Campaign.

Bottom of the Klass

Myleene, a klass act.

Over Christmas, I was fortunate enough to catch Celebrity Mastermind. I must admit I had seen it in the Radio Times and had seen Myleene Klass would be appearing and her specialist subject was Sex and the City. No way I thought, there is too much to know. No great intellect could know everything. Conceive of my relief when I read on to see 'Series 3'. That right. Not only seeing fit to defile the title 'Mastermind' by answering questions on Sex and the City, she was only going to answer on Sex and the City Series 3. Sheesh, Fred Housego must be fuming.
Anyway up she gets and is off like a whippet (metaphorically) answering 17 straight questions correctly without a pass or wrong answer in sight. During the 18th question the buzzer beeps, "I've strated so I'll finish"; it was some question about a Vice President (not political it was off Sex and the City, Series 3). She hesitates and blurts out 'Dennis Quaid'. Excuse me? She rapidly tries to correct herself by saying 'Oh no, it's JFK'. Of course, either Dennis Quaid or JFK. They sound so alike too. The answer was 'Dan Quayle' (sp?). Excellent.
However, after the first round she was in the lead. On her General Knowledge round she scored 1. That's 1 out of about 20. She finished last. What a dunce. But great TV.

Monday, January 02, 2006

Ho Ho Ho becomes Ha Ha Ha

Last night on Channel 4 Stephen Fry precided over the 50 greatest comedy films ever. I do enjoy a good laugh whether it be Eastenders or happy-slapping. I quickly scanned my DVD collection thinking who could make it...
To get it out of the ways films I wanted in that weren't were Dudes Where's My Car; Zoolander; the Royal Tenenbaums; The Man With Two Brains; Hot Shots!; Top Secret; Dodgeball; Undercover Brother and Anchorman.
One film that did slip my mind was Bridget Jones. Oh joy. We're off with a Richard Curtis film. I think he did this one? I don't care. All films of this genre will be referred to on this site - whether justly or not - as a Richard Curtis film. They are all gentle, all heart-warming and all not funny enough to be in the Top 50.
Next we plunge into comedy crap and bring out Team America. And later at #5 South Park. Eh, ever? Just offensive, pointless, pseudo-intelligent, gross-out rubbish. With a few funny lines granted.
More Richard Curtis: 4 Weddings and Full Monty. Top 50? Who's voting on this piece of sh*t thing anyway? Was it a Radio 4 poll? Or was it Jose Manuel Barroso? He's powerful, you know.
I am getting frustrated writing this, so I'll get to it now: Monty Python wins. Life of Brian. Good film, yes. Funniest? No, never ever ever - just the same as Fawlty Towers is not the Best Sitcom. Good but incredibly over-rated.
And at #3 Shaun of the Dead? Huh????????? Is someone taking crazy pills here? Annie Hall is stuck at #11 - 8 places below this??? The world has gone mental.
All in all a very frustrating 3 hours wasted.
Sadly, Mutiny on the Buses was #51

Happy New Year

Am in an internet cafe having lost what little patience I have on using dial-up connection.
It is now 2006. A momentous year for sure. Just look at the news already. It's a biggie. There I've warned you. I feel dirty and inadequate to report this news knowing that the limits of these sorry premises make it impossible for me to post pictures with this article.
It's official, the results of a clever Radio 4 poll have shown who the 10 most powerful people in Britain are. No mentions of mums or girlfriends here, cos this is Radio 4 and this is serious!
So here we go:

Who Runs Britain?
1. Jose Manuel Barroso - 22%
2. Rupert Murdoch - 15%
3. Parliament - 14%
4. The British People - 12%
5. Gus O'Donnell - 10%
6. Terry Leahy - 7%
7. Tony Blair - 7%
8. Google - 6%
9. Gordon Brown - 4%
10. Shami Chakrabarti - 4%

So soak this information in. What? You don't know who Jose Manuel Barroso is? No, not the guy who gloriously beat-up Prince Naseem - that's Marco Antonio Barrera. And let's not be mistaken the guy who is more powerful than the bloke who beat the Prince is a powerful man indeed.
He is *drumroll* (or sausage roll if preferred) the European Commission President. Wow. Radio 4 is very high brow, you know. Other luminaries in the top 10 included Terry Leahy and Gus O'Donnell you could, of course, have read that from the table above, I am just padding out this article.
Queue Roger Knapman, the leader of UKIP (alleged Nazis in suits, or is that Nazis in alleged suits?) raconteur extraordinaire and obvious successor to the late Peter Ustinov (you know him of Pete and Bernie's philosophical steak house) observing dryly thus; "Of course it is the only chance you'll get to vote for him or for that matter against him." Un bon mot sir.
In an exhaustive poll I have been led to believe, by myself in search of a punchline, that the Liberal Democrats came in 77th place just behind Nancy Dell'Olio and Cheryl Tweedy.

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