I do enjoy terrible TV and in my life I do not recall an equally terrible programme ever being given the red light than ITV's Pickles: The Dog That Won The World Cup
. Starring Paul Kaye, the ex-Dennis Pennis, as a cockney down-on-his-luck whelk with the World Cup around the corner. Lenny (Kaye's character) is unemployed, his TV gives up the ghost and his dinner is nicked by his dog. Not just any dog though. Oh no, this is ITV! And this is family entertainment so it's a talking dog! And who better to voice a dog than Harry Enfield. A man whose purpose expired sometime in the last millenium. This dog can only communicate to other animals and, sadly, the audience. the dog's a trouble-maker, supposedly loveable and also fiercely patriotic (he even comes up against a German hound called Fritz and verbally assaults the poor hun mutt with some World War II rememberance. You know your show's going down the pan when you are relegated to dealing with a deeply xenophobic dog ).
And what a star-studded cast: not only Kaye but there's Keith Barron, formerly of Duty Free
amongst others and if this pile or crap couldn't slip any further - who's this playing a very stereotypical Scotch bad guy?
(You see the World Cup was stolen by two Scots who were going to plant it in the centre circle at Hampden Park - eat your heart out Andy Murray!) Yep it's that guy who used to be in Eldorado
(he played Drew) and was also in Eastenders
as DCI Mason who uttered my most favourite Stenders line of all-time: "Grant Mitchell I'm arresting ye for attempted moy-der".
was absoutely dire and I watched it.