Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Celebrity Tit Wank to be shown on Channel 5

Tony Blair often talks of a legacy, he wants to leave a legacy; the Blair legacy. A legacy about which your children and grand-children will eulogise most fondly whilst sipping on their GM hot chocolate many years off in the future. A Government that introduced a Minimum Wage; brought children and pensioners alike out of poverty; cut Third World debt; 16 weeks door-to-door treatment on the NHS...
Or will they? The more sinister types, the kind who would vote against our glorious leader would have us, the Great British folk, believe that the Blair legacy is of a war-torn Iraq; extremists blowing themselves up on the Tube (not if they're running as inefficiently as this morning...Ken, you did it; you scuppered any terrorist attacks today. Because none of the bastard things were moving this morning); hoodies knifing you for a laugh; pensioners being alternatively mugged, raped and locked in freezers. Ah those salad days?
As with most things, the truth lies eleswhere. What will be the ever-lasting legacy of the Labour Government (1997-)? Reality TV, of course. Remember Survivor being hosted by Mark Nicholas? Or Big Brother as won by that scouse lad Craig? Yeh I watched it too. Much like Frankenstein's monster things have got a slight bit out of control.
'Celebrities' in a house? Check. 'Celebrities' on an island? Check. Non-celebrities on an island? Check. 'Celebrities' in a jungle? Check. 'Celebrities' learning to dance? Check. 'Celebrities' learning to dance...on ice. Check? You got a shit ugly partner. Wanna swap? Check. 'Celebrities' doing karaoke? Check. Non-celebrities doing karaoke? Check. Chavs becoming 'ladies' under the instruction of the People's Butler? Check. That bird David Beckham shagged tossing off a pig? Check.
Virtually, every fathomable idea (and plenty unfathomable...Dean Gaffney, Samantha Fox and Richard Blackwood trying to competitively run bars?) have made it on to our screen. What is left? Off the top of my head CELEBRITY FUCKING IN BUNK-BEDS and CELEBRITY TIT WANK but little else.
So where now for the beaus and belles, the youth of our fair nation fairly chomping at the bit at the prospect of sharing 15 minutes of notoriety (not even fame now) with a bunch of equal non-entities? Well...let me think...hmmmmm...they have no discernible use, never mind talent; nobody (perhaps family aside) care about them; people do not find them funny, or even a character...nah still struggling...I KNOW - how's about encouraging people to say inflammatory comments. Stupid? Bigotted? Come on our show! Hell bring your mum and boyfriend too!
Much like our soap operas invariably steal one plot after the other off each other and recycle them with about as successful a disguise as some c*nt character showing up in a Shakespeare play with a cloak on suddenly being unrecognisable to all asundry.
I refer, of course, to Lucy Buchanan, currently starring in Shipwrecked who has caught the bug of making inflammatory, attention-seeking comments off Jade Goody (Baddy). Buchanan, no relation to Mitch, referred to black people as 'bad' (not even in a good sense); mutli-racial Britain as 'bad', lesbians don't escape either. They're 'sinister'. Buchanan continued: 'I'm for the British Empire and things. I'm for slavery, but that's never going to come back.'
Quite so. I knew some chaps who were up for recolonising the Commonwealth (I have referred to them in the past) but even they stopped short of recommending a resumption of slavery. Who is this idiot? Why does the media get so het up about reporting this.
"But Barry are you not getting het up and reporting it too." Fair point. Why am I 'reporting' this? Succinctly put, if these twats insist on invading our screens it should be reported accurately, honestly and with the minimal of actual interest. As a case in point, I would have it as: "Stupid fucking bitch speak shit on Dickheads' Hour show". Now you can expect a speight of fuck-wit outbursts: give an idiot the freedom of speech and, bugger me, if they don't go and talk. Shit.
And the funniest thing? Bristol University, from where Lucy Buchanan has deferred a place, is considering withdrawing their offer of education. I don't think this will happen and I don't think it should, but wouldn't it be fucking hilarious if they did??????
Rant over.

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Comments:
You forget Celebrity Wrestling - ITVs attempt to stymie the return of Doctor Who in 2005. It couldn't have failed more and was pulled from the Sat teatime slot after 5 weeks.

And my favourite...Celebrity Shark Bait. Alas, no celebrity died, or was even maimed, during the making of the programme. A missed opportunity.
 
these were not forgotten, but there are/were far too many to mention in one article. how could you forget 'the pocket rocket' and rowdy roddy piper hosting. oh happy days
 
I think that the naive young lass needs some real 2darts lovin to show her what shes been missin!!
 
Barry,

I am very interested in purchasing the rights to 'Celebrity Tit Wank' for Channel 4.

If you have already entered negotiations with other channels I am still interested and willing to match any reasonable offers you may have had.

We are serious about this, and see this as the perfect vehicle for Russel Brand who is woefully under-exposed at the moment. We have already optioned Richard and Judy for the first episode and are hoping to get Chris Moyles signed up once he decides whether to be in the giving or receiving role.

xxx
 
Or how about Celebrity Military Coup where a group of admirable and well-loved personalities like Jeremy Clarkson, Jamie Oliver, Piers Morgan, Jade Goody, Kate Moss and Noel Edmonds are sent to an oil-rich African dictatorship where they have to overthrow the government in 2 weeks armed only with toothpicks and water pistols.
 
cw - i know ur an owl, so i'll be lenient, but could you please refrain from using such language as 'jeremy clarkson'
also, i'm pretty sure this idea has been on bravo already...
btw ftn is the new channel of choice. after tuesday booze britain in carlisle, last night was boozing in mansfield. sheer class
 
the legacy: a comedy of terrors
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The consequences of unchecked governance,when the ridiculous becomes the sublime.
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