Friday, February 09, 2007
Archer fires his arrow of injustice
Reality Television has given us so many things to be thankful about: Gordon Ramsey arguing with Edwina Currie; Jade Goody and that woman tossing the pig off, but the piece de resistance must be BBC 2's The Verdict. Now if there was one man on God's green earth I would not want on a jury it would be someone convicted of, and had served a custodial sentence for, perjury. Yep, it's Jeffrey Archer. God's teeth. That's Jeffrey Archer, the liar. That's Jeffrey Archer, the convicted liar. That's Jeffrey Archer, the chap who is on the panel of Fortune: Million Pound Giveaway who praises and funds projects that he gave fuck-all consideration to when he and his Tory mates were busy breaking communities up and down the UK during the heyday of the 1980s. Yes, I would love to have him on the jury. In for a penny in for a pound, I suppose; why not put dogger and woman-beater, Stan Collymore on the jury too? Oh right, they already have...
Labels: Jeffrey Archer, reality TV, Tory scumbag
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Personal disclosure
It may come as a surprise to some of you that myself and fellow blogger, the Lord Lucan are having a love affair. It's early days at the moment, but is going excellently and we are both very, very happy. At this juncture, I suppose I should point out that our affair is not with each other, but rather with the freeview channel, Ftn. Ftn is like a compilation of highlights from Living TV, Challenge, Trouble and Bravo.Over a jar and a game of arrows, I mentioned how I had been surfing freeview and found this channel that was banging out some quality classic Bullseye and the good Lord knew exactly what I was talking about and replied that Ftn also shows the Krypton Factor. Ftn can, and does, additionally boast old episodes of the Crystal Maze. Great stuff. So today, I have watched Bullseye, the Krypton Factor and also Derek Acorah, a guy who gets possessed by spirits - tonight he was hunting round after Matthew Hopkins, the old witch-hunter. Another highlight will be Thursday's episode of Booze Britain focussing on Canterbury, my old university stamping ground. Oh to see what I missed out on during my student days.
Labels: Ftn, having an affair, reality TV, the Lord Lucan
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Celebrity Tit Wank to be shown on Channel 5
Tony Blair often talks of a legacy, he wants to leave a legacy; the Blair legacy. A legacy about which your children and grand-children will eulogise most fondly whilst sipping on their GM hot chocolate many years off in the future. A Government that introduced a Minimum Wage; brought children and pensioners alike out of poverty; cut Third World debt; 16 weeks door-to-door treatment on the NHS...
Or will they? The more sinister types, the kind who would vote against our glorious leader would have us, the Great British folk, believe that the Blair legacy is of a war-torn Iraq; extremists blowing themselves up on the Tube (not if they're running as inefficiently as this morning...Ken, you did it; you scuppered any terrorist attacks today. Because none of the bastard things were moving this morning); hoodies knifing you for a laugh; pensioners being alternatively mugged, raped and locked in freezers. Ah those salad days?
As with most things, the truth lies eleswhere. What will be the ever-lasting legacy of the Labour Government (1997-)? Reality TV, of course. Remember Survivor being hosted by Mark Nicholas? Or Big Brother as won by that scouse lad Craig? Yeh I watched it too. Much like Frankenstein's monster things have got a slight bit out of control.
'Celebrities' in a house? Check. 'Celebrities' on an island? Check. Non-celebrities on an island? Check. 'Celebrities' in a jungle? Check. 'Celebrities' learning to dance? Check. 'Celebrities' learning to dance...on ice. Check? You got a shit ugly partner. Wanna swap? Check. 'Celebrities' doing karaoke? Check. Non-celebrities doing karaoke? Check. Chavs becoming 'ladies' under the instruction of the People's Butler? Check. That bird David Beckham shagged tossing off a pig? Check.
Virtually, every fathomable idea (and plenty unfathomable...Dean Gaffney, Samantha Fox and Richard Blackwood trying to competitively run bars?) have made it on to our screen. What is left? Off the top of my head CELEBRITY FUCKING IN BUNK-BEDS and CELEBRITY TIT WANK but little else.
So where now for the beaus and belles, the youth of our fair nation fairly chomping at the bit at the prospect of sharing 15 minutes of notoriety (not even fame now) with a bunch of equal non-entities? Well...let me think...hmmmmm...they have no discernible use, never mind talent; nobody (perhaps family aside) care about them; people do not find them funny, or even a character...nah still struggling...I KNOW - how's about encouraging people to say inflammatory comments. Stupid? Bigotted? Come on our show! Hell bring your mum and boyfriend too!
Much like our soap operas invariably steal one plot after the other off each other and recycle them with about as successful a disguise as some c*nt character showing up in a Shakespeare play with a cloak on suddenly being unrecognisable to all asundry.
I refer, of course, to Lucy Buchanan, currently starring in Shipwrecked who has caught the bug of making inflammatory, attention-seeking comments off Jade Goody (Baddy). Buchanan, no relation to Mitch, referred to black people as 'bad' (not even in a good sense); mutli-racial Britain as 'bad', lesbians don't escape either. They're 'sinister'. Buchanan continued: 'I'm for the British Empire and things. I'm for slavery, but that's never going to come back.'
Quite so. I knew some chaps who were up for recolonising the Commonwealth (I have referred to them in the past) but even they stopped short of recommending a resumption of slavery. Who is this idiot? Why does the media get so het up about reporting this.
"But Barry are you not getting het up and reporting it too." Fair point. Why am I 'reporting' this? Succinctly put, if these twats insist on invading our screens it should be reported accurately, honestly and with the minimal of actual interest. As a case in point, I would have it as: "Stupid fucking bitch speak shit on Dickheads' Hour show". Now you can expect a speight of fuck-wit outbursts: give an idiot the freedom of speech and, bugger me, if they don't go and talk. Shit.
And the funniest thing? Bristol University, from where Lucy Buchanan has deferred a place, is considering withdrawing their offer of education. I don't think this will happen and I don't think it should, but wouldn't it be fucking hilarious if they did??????
Rant over.
Or will they? The more sinister types, the kind who would vote against our glorious leader would have us, the Great British folk, believe that the Blair legacy is of a war-torn Iraq; extremists blowing themselves up on the Tube (not if they're running as inefficiently as this morning...Ken, you did it; you scuppered any terrorist attacks today. Because none of the bastard things were moving this morning); hoodies knifing you for a laugh; pensioners being alternatively mugged, raped and locked in freezers. Ah those salad days?
As with most things, the truth lies eleswhere. What will be the ever-lasting legacy of the Labour Government (1997-)? Reality TV, of course. Remember Survivor being hosted by Mark Nicholas? Or Big Brother as won by that scouse lad Craig? Yeh I watched it too. Much like Frankenstein's monster things have got a slight bit out of control.
'Celebrities' in a house? Check. 'Celebrities' on an island? Check. Non-celebrities on an island? Check. 'Celebrities' in a jungle? Check. 'Celebrities' learning to dance? Check. 'Celebrities' learning to dance...on ice. Check? You got a shit ugly partner. Wanna swap? Check. 'Celebrities' doing karaoke? Check. Non-celebrities doing karaoke? Check. Chavs becoming 'ladies' under the instruction of the People's Butler? Check. That bird David Beckham shagged tossing off a pig? Check.
Virtually, every fathomable idea (and plenty unfathomable...Dean Gaffney, Samantha Fox and Richard Blackwood trying to competitively run bars?) have made it on to our screen. What is left? Off the top of my head CELEBRITY FUCKING IN BUNK-BEDS and CELEBRITY TIT WANK but little else.
So where now for the beaus and belles, the youth of our fair nation fairly chomping at the bit at the prospect of sharing 15 minutes of notoriety (not even fame now) with a bunch of equal non-entities? Well...let me think...hmmmmm...they have no discernible use, never mind talent; nobody (perhaps family aside) care about them; people do not find them funny, or even a character...nah still struggling...I KNOW - how's about encouraging people to say inflammatory comments. Stupid? Bigotted? Come on our show! Hell bring your mum and boyfriend too!
Much like our soap operas invariably steal one plot after the other off each other and recycle them with about as successful a disguise as some c*nt character showing up in a Shakespeare play with a cloak on suddenly being unrecognisable to all asundry.
I refer, of course, to Lucy Buchanan, currently starring in Shipwrecked who has caught the bug of making inflammatory, attention-seeking comments off Jade Goody (Baddy). Buchanan, no relation to Mitch, referred to black people as 'bad' (not even in a good sense); mutli-racial Britain as 'bad', lesbians don't escape either. They're 'sinister'. Buchanan continued: 'I'm for the British Empire and things. I'm for slavery, but that's never going to come back.'
Quite so. I knew some chaps who were up for recolonising the Commonwealth (I have referred to them in the past) but even they stopped short of recommending a resumption of slavery. Who is this idiot? Why does the media get so het up about reporting this.
"But Barry are you not getting het up and reporting it too." Fair point. Why am I 'reporting' this? Succinctly put, if these twats insist on invading our screens it should be reported accurately, honestly and with the minimal of actual interest. As a case in point, I would have it as: "Stupid fucking bitch speak shit on Dickheads' Hour show". Now you can expect a speight of fuck-wit outbursts: give an idiot the freedom of speech and, bugger me, if they don't go and talk. Shit.
And the funniest thing? Bristol University, from where Lucy Buchanan has deferred a place, is considering withdrawing their offer of education. I don't think this will happen and I don't think it should, but wouldn't it be fucking hilarious if they did??????
Rant over.
Labels: reality TV
