Friday, April 28, 2006

Agent provocateur

When he heard a bigger club were interested in him, Bullard hadn't expected it to be Fulham

Jimmy Bullard, midfield dynamo of Wigan Athletic has started talks with Fulham about a Summer move to Craven Cottage. It becomes very clear that Wigan manager, Paul Jewell does not want Bullard to go saying Bullard's departure would be a massive blow but that his hands were tied by a Minimum Fee release clause in Bullard's contract.
With Paul Jewell implying Bullard has been influenced by an ambitious agent: "People will ask us questions about why this clause is in the contract but we didn't want to put it in. He was out of contract this year and insisted, well his agent said, if he was going to sign a new deal, there had to be a clause in it." Film buffs would have already recognised the chilling similarity to Tommy 'Machine' Gunn in Rocky V.
If true, which in all probability it is or isn't, wouldn't be the first time Bullard's been in the news thanks to his agent, for Eastend born Bullard was rumoured to be in contention for the German World Cup squad. Eligible through his German grandmother (not his Cockney one). He contacted Jurgen Klinsmann, the German coach and told him of his availability to which Klinsmann presumably replied: "Wer bist du?" unless he keeps a close eye on Wigan.
Whilst researching (a very low form of research) this article I came across two wonderful quotes. The first from Jimmy Bullard himself a full 40 days ago:
"I signed a three-year contract in the summer and I am enjoying every minute of it."
and the second from Fulham manager Chris Coleman, a great example of football talk:
"Jimmy is a very good player and I don't think Wigan want to let him go. If a player wants to leave then it's difficult to hold on to him, although I'm not saying Jimmy wants to leave." Methinks you are.
Not quite sure why he wants to go to perennial relegation possibles Fulham. Probably because he's London born - it's a funny old game.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Doing the Maccarone

Maccarone: the Comeback King

Despite the best entreaties of a source close to the bar I have resisted the temptation to post on Middlesbrough outside of slagging off Steve McLaren. As far as temptations go it was quite easy to resist. Anyway now thanks to his team's near impossible snatching victory from the jaws of defeat in the UEFA cup not once, but twice; in successive European fixtures at the Riverside I feel congratulations are in order.
The achievement is as immense as it was unlikely, Middlesbrough aren't all that good. I must admit I had them to go down at the beginning of the season and have been confounded by a UEFA Cup final spot and a F.A Cup semi-final berth. However, their league form this season has hardly been top draw despite having in Yakuba, Viduka and Hasselbank three experienced, quality strikers.
There was mirth when McLaren splurged £8.1 million on Maccarone from Empoli (I think Maccarone had recently impressed in an Italian U21 team that had done their English counterparts) and quite justly so. Maccarone simply didn't cut the mustard, or the cheese if you will; so out he was shipped back to Sienna or some such team. Everyone forgot about him, everyone thought he had left and then suddenly there he is back from Italy and in the squad. There's no way he's worth over £8 million, but ironically Middlesbrough's biggest flop has generated far more than £8 million thanks to his late heroics against FC Basle and yesterday against Steaua Bucharest.
And fair play Steve Mclaren. I don't know how he's done it but he has. Emphatically. Still shouldn't get the England job though...

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Lehmann's spot on as Riquelme pays the penalty

Riquelme misfires as Lehmann saves the Gunners' day

It must have been fate. Although there was a degree of contact, Villareal should never have been awarded a penalty for Gael Clichy's challenge on Jose Mari. I'm no particular fan of Arsenal but was happy to see the English team win (they even had an Englishman playing). Two things about Villareal irked me. And I think irk is the right word.
I don't mind that the conventional 1-11 for starting line ups was scrapped in favour of squad numbers, but I do find it daft to have your strikers wearing number 5 (Diego Forlan) and number 99 (Franco - who appeared a bit flaky). In addition to this there was Juan Roman Riquelme, an Argentinian of rare if temperamental talent, spitting all the time. Seriously, non-stop like a piston. Really quite revolting. So I was happy when he had his penalty saved. And the mroal of the story? Never bet against a German in a penalty shoot-out.

T-t-t-that's (McC)all Folks!

Davina: the public have voted to evict you from the BBC1 schedule

After I speculated not once but twice about the future of Davina's chat-show host career, eagle-eyed Desperado; A Source formerly close to the PM pointed me in the direction of this story confirming the inevitable.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Is religion for idiots?

I am not a religious creature, but in me God created a Bull with some ability to blog (cheers!), but of course if God doesn't exist then I must be a mutant Bull of some genre.
Enthralling indeed, as I'm sure you're all agree; but despite appearance not a very meaty episode. Au contraire mes amis (et amies) for on the Central Line, the part which TfL graciously kept running this weekend, a chum of mine pointed out a book that a passenger (or is it client or customer these days?) was reading. The Koran for Dummies. That's bordering on incitement there.
However, it appears that Islam is not alone in trying to spread its appeals to the less cerebrally gifted amongst us.
For other titles in this series include:
Judaism for Dummies
Catholicism for Dummies
Buddhism for Dummies
Christianity for Dummies
Islam for Dummies
Mormonism for Dummies
So what becomes alarmingly obvious is that Sikhs; Hindus; Hare Krishnas and Scientologists amongst others don't suffer fools gladly.
Here's a bar-chart:

Friday, April 21, 2006

Respect da Beef

Me and my homies been rollin'

Hey dudes. I just came across this picture and it's nice to have dem boyz paying tribute. Bout time. Ving Rhames is my main man and I respect him big time for narrating my life. Big up dawg, you ruled as Diamond Dog in Con Air.
Anyway back to business. Beef will be temporarily off the menu as it is becoming increasingly tricky to update as regularly as I would like. Fear not Beefsters cos I aint going; I suppose you could call it a BEEF sabbatical.
I'll be updating at various points. However, work (boo!) and Local Elections (yay!) are taking up loads of time, so full service wont be resumed until early May.
But the Beef don't sleep:

1) I am lobbying Channel 4 to recommission Fifteen-To-One
2) I am lobbying the Times to get Rob Liddle to publish an apology for this piece of bullsh*t
3) Paul Burgin couldn't check my blog from Stevenage library shocker! Censorship, and bloggers, at its ugliest.
4) Any ideas for posts please feel free to email me at

Thursday, April 20, 2006

The Way We Were

April 21st 1991: Sheffield Wedneday 1:0 Manchester United

Not only a Barbra Streisand song, but the Way We Were applies to my team, Sheffield Wednesday. A Wednesday supporting chum emailed reminding me that on this day 15 years ago, the Owls (then, like now, a second flight team who got promoted at the end of the season; very unlike now!) defeated Man United.
John Sheridan's half-volley before half-time settled the match. And, although the country seems to now be uniting against Chelsea, it is important to remember their are three league clubs that contain swearing: ARSEnal; SC**Thorpe and F**KING Manchester United.

Testing times for cricket grounds

Sophia Gardens: 2009 Ashes Test Match venue

Rows broke out in the cricket world yesterday, however this is not the cricketing world of fishpaste sandwiches, linseed oil, different coloured pens for scoring and Bill Frindall but rather the cricketing world of commercialism, renewal and, dare I write it, forward thinking. I do dare, I just wrote it.
I am in favour of the ECBs decision. Let's not forget that despite having the acronym of ECB it is actually the English and Welsh Cricket Board. Giving Sophia Gardens Test Match status is encouraging the spread of cricket in Britain. In essence striking whilst the iron's hot after England's Ashes victory. That is not to say that Sophia Gardens is undeserving and that the decision is political, as seemingly implied by some of the defeated parties that pointed to the support of the Welsh Assembly and Cardiff County Council as insurmountable; as if the support garnered is something of which the Sophia Gardens project should be ashamed.
As a cricket fan who is not from Yorkshire or Lancashire, I am happy to see cricket move forward and tackle the traditional strongholds. Lancashire, the county that boasts Old Trafford - the defeated stadium, will bemoan that cricket is being taken from a stronghold, as if after creating Adam and Eve, God then decreed (on the 8th day just before the OC omnibus on E4) that until the death of history Old Trafford has a divine right to test match cricket.
There were also sour grapes going down nicely in Hampshire, where the excellent and much vaunted Rose Bowl stadium failed to get test match status. Hampshire chairman Rod Bransgrove magnaminoulsly declared: "The W [for Wales] in the ECB is silent, but it is very powerful" before adding; "I have to consider whether this is personal[...]The ECB don't like me[...] I showed the ECB plans to spend £35m to make the Rose Bowl one of the best grounds in the world, but they don't want my money.". Man, this guy's eating the grapes straight off the vine!
Other developments saw Durham's Chester-Le-Street get a West Indies test in 2007 and the revamped Headingley regaining 'A-status' by getting an Ashes test at the expense of Trent Bridge.
The fact remains test match cricket must be played at Lords, the spiritual mecca of the sport, and all the other stadiums must vie for the right to host the top matches.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

John Lyall 1940-2006

Happy Hammer

I have only been blogging for a few months, but this is the third tribute I have had to do. John Lyall, the former West Ham United and Ipswich Town manager has passed away suddenly at the age of 66.
Lyall was born in Ilford (a great town) and joined West Ham in 1955 staying their as player, coach and player until 1989. Lyall was in charge when West Ham won 2 F.A Cups (1975 and 1980) nad achieved their highest league finish (3rd in 1986 with Cottee and McAvennie up front).
Basically, he was a manager for years when I was growing up and soaking in football statistics like an young, enthusiastic pup who grew up with (figuratively, I didn't actually live with them) such greats as Alan Devonshire, Phil Parkes, Geoff Pike, George Parris, Alvin Martin, Billy Bonds, Tony Cottee, Frank McAvennie, Mark Ward (now in jail for coacine offenses), Alan Dickens and Ray Stewart.
Cheers for the memories, John.

Oh behave!

Caborn was always doing karaoke

Graham Allen, the Labour MP for Nottingham North, secured a Westminster Hall debate (held yesterday) on Football Players (Behaviour). Wow! This one'll change the world, eh? The debate broadly seems to be about players being nice on the pitch, not swearing and intimidating the ref and generally behaving well with the result that such improved condict would eradicate anti-social behaviour. Or at least reduce it greatly. And perhaps it would. My personal favourite part of this debate given the theme is after Allen finished, well let me cut and paste from Hansard

Several hon. Members rose—

Mr. Martin Caton (in the Chair): Order. I can call other hon. Members only if they have the agreement of the initiator of the debate and the Minister. Do other hon. Members have the agreement of the initiator of the debate to speak?

Mr. Allen: No.

That's really getting in the spirit of things Graham!

My problem with this debate is that there were so many opportunities missed. I tried to get my boss to have a few drinks, barge into the House and swagger around, arms raised, pointing at Caborn shouting "You're not signing anymore". Other variants could have been "You're going home in a f*cking ambulance" or "Who's the w*nker in the suit?"
Personally, I would have led with "Die, die, Piggy, Piggy, die!"

I thought he was rubbish???

Wait years for a hundred and two come along at once

After the third test match in last summer's Ashes, Jason Gillespie was dropped from the Aussie XI. And rightly so. He was poor. However, yesterday and today his renaissance was completed. Gillespie, back in the Aussie line-up due to injuries, knocked a career best 201*. The thing is Gillespie is in the team as a bowler and before this innings he had never hit a first class century, so a test match double century is really something else. To put it into context only 1 current English test batsman has scored a test double century (Marcus Trescothick) whereas interestingly Australia can now boast six double centurions in their ranks (Langer, Hayden, Ponting, Hodge, Gilchrist and Gillespie).
So well done Dizzy, now you've cut your mullett off you look less imbred and are playing better than ever. 3 wickets for 11 runs aint too shabby either.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Owls send three down in a day

A wonderful Easter weekend had its cherry firmly placed on top thanks to Sheffield Wednesday taking six points from 2 matches. Norwich and Brighton were vanquished leaving Wednesday to hopefully improve on a pretty mediocre, at best, season.
With Wednesday's win on Easter monday the relegation dog-fight was settled:
So it's bye bye Crewe

Sad to see Crewe go down really. They play good football and manager Dario Gradi has been manager since just before the women got the vote. A Crewe fan I know generously replied to my gloating email by saying: "Cheers mate. You stayed up comfortably in the end so fair dues. Paid £30 for the dubious distinction of going to Palace on Saturday. That hurt more than going down. Hey ho, I’m used to losing in all aspects of life really: footy, politics you name it"
He's a Liberal Democrat.

Hardly unexpected really. Desperately need their new stadium to generate funds. Some lofty politico whose joyous fist pumping after Brighton scored a last minute equalizer earlier in the season stuck in my craw conceded: "Well, at least we might actually be able to score more than two goals a game in the first/old second/older third division. Plus, the kids we put out this season (aka the first team) will be a little older and perhaps able to play better football. And we'll hopefully be a year closer to a stadium. Hopefully." Hopefully.

No-one likes us and we don't care. So sing the Millwall faithful. It's lucky they don't care. Crap team. No money. Memories of their FA Cup final appearance are fading quicker something that fades quickly. I emailed two Millwall supporters and was amazed one of them actually constructed a sentence. And a nice one too: "Congrats to you, hopefully we will bounce straight back if not could be the conference within 2 years." And then politely added; "Will catch up for that pint soon" which reminded me I really must ask him out for a beer sometime. The other email I got was more predictable. A typical offering from a South Londoner: "Naff off!"

Beef Jerky of the Week

exclusive CCTV footage

So a Labour Minister of State is despicably TAKEN OUT OF CONTEXT as endorsing the BNP. Whatever next?
How's about resignation?

Monday, April 17, 2006

Party Political Broadcasts: The New Generation

Satire doesn't come any more satirical than this, eh?

From the Party that bought you flying pigs and hypnotists comes Dave 'the Chameleon'. I do see the point in portraying Dave as the say anything to anyone figure that he is but to centre the whole thing on this does appear very negative.
But hey, it'll be greater minds than mine that have devised and okayed this masterpiece. Of course if I had been consulted I would have recommended this:

Of course, I would not have used Paint and, of course, I would have spent a bit longer than 5 minutes on it. It's David Cameron 'made up' as Ziggy Stardust. I am pretty sure Changes wasn't during Bowie's Ziggy Stardust phase, but you get the drift...

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

People who the next generation will not remember

#1 A Joey by any other name

As there's nothing else happening, I am going to start a new series of posts on people who will remain in my memory, but are likely not to be remembered by the younger kids on the block.
And what an example to start with. I don't even know how I remember Joey Deacon. I mean he died when I was very young, but his memory has a cult following. Joey was featured on Blue Peter back in the day in an attempt to win over prejudice and present people with severe disabilities as human beings. All of which I support without reservation. However, it had the opposite effect with kids in playgrounds all over Britain calling their fellow pupils Joey and the tongue in chin thing was born.
I have heard the term Joey banded around for many a year, but the kids now look at you kind of blank. "Who's Joey Deacon?" Joey has got some form of posthumous recognition in light of Tiger Wood's comment over the weekend (see post below), but for anyone of my age (or 10 years older give or take) who sees some fool trip over, spill a pint, walk into something or play football in a manner that makes Emile Heskey appear gainly; the word Joey springs to mind.
Joey's iconic cultural longevity, or bouncebackability, could never have been predicted.

Swearing and political incorrectness....

That's right sport on the Beeb is improving. Sadly, detractors may disagree because I post with reference to Andy Murray's outburst at an umpire after Team GB lost their doubles rubber to Serbia and Montenegro. But not only the wonderboy of Scottish sport (the first they've had since Ming Campbell) but also Tiger 'Grrrr' Woods, who found himself embroiled in scandal after the PC brigade took exception at at comment made in his post-Masters interview.
First off Andy Murray lost his temper after Team GB lost their doubles match to Serbia and Montenegro and decried the official as "a fucking useless umpire". Yep whilst swearing in football is de rigeur, swearing in a posh sport is not the done thing. Apart from saying "cox" as many times as possible during the Boat Race obviously.
Next in the you didn't want to say that hall of shame is Tiger Woods. Tiger came third in the Masters but felt he should have done better. In his immediate post-Masters interview he said he putted like "a spaz" - so the PC brigade are straight on his case demanding an apology. Now did Tiger really mean he putted like a spaz, as in spastic? Or did he mean to say he putted like a spaz, as in an idiot? Making a mountain out of a mole-hill (and apologies if that is disparaging to mountains or mole-hills). What was he supposed to say? "Yes I am overjoyed I putted like a f*cking pr*ck. I am really happy that I will not win and am over the moon that a*shole Mickelson will be wearing the green jacket." Not that I think Mickelson's an a-hole, just that him and Woods are rumoured not to be the best of pals.
You can tell that it's Recess and there's nothing interesting about, so I hope you enjoy this which is courtesy of the Times online although modified for fun.


Ron Atkinson had to resign as an ITV football pundit and Guardian columnist two years ago when he was caught saying that Marcel Desailly "is what is known in some schools as a f***ing lazy thick n*****".

Richard Krajicek
, the 1996 Wimbledon champion, once said that 80 per cent of women tennis players were "lazy, fat pigs who shouldn’t be allowed on the show courts". He later apologised and said it was more like 85%.

Pierre van Hooijdonk, on negotiating a new Celtic contract in 1996, said of a £7,000-a-week pay rise: "It may be good enough for the homeless, but not for an international striker."

Fuzzy Zoeller lost a sponsorship deal after his 'joke' on Tiger Woods winning the 1997 Masters. Referring to the tradition that the winner chooses the next year's champions' dinner, Zoeller said he hoped Woods "wouldn’t serve fried chicken, or collard greens, or whatever the hell they serve". The sponsorship wasn't with KFC then?

Glenn Hoddle was dismissed as England manager after telling The Times some people were disabled for a reason. "The karma is working from another lifetime. What you sow, you have to reap" he said. And he did, he's currently manager of Wolverhampton Wanderers

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

La plus ca change

No matter what way you look at them the Tories are still the same

Are all Tories racist? I doubt it. Are Labour and the Lib Dems totally non-racist zones? I doubt that too. So when 'Dave' was elected Tory leader it looked as if here was a new man to lead the Blues on a new path. And sure he's young(ish), green(ish) - if you discard the private jet and I welcomed his attack on UKIP as 'closet racists'. I have never voted Tory and doubt I ever will, but for Cameron to make this attack was important.
For Conservatism to move into the 21st century it must shed its racist tendencies and the Tories can change easier than most as it has always been unique as being an inherently pragmatic party.
So Cameron attacks and UKIP try to fight back. And at Tory Spring conference Chairman, Francis Maude launches Operation New Tory: "We now need to convince them that the whole party has changed...In the last three elections we only attracted around one third of the voters...So people need to see that the party we are asking them to support now has changed from the party they decided not to support only last May." Surely this point would be stronger if the current leader wasn't the guy who co-concocted last May's Tory manifesto and if the current leader's policy advisor wasn't the Shadow Chancellor of the Exchequer (and Flying Pig) at last May's General Election.
Nevertheless, Maude discusses the importance of having a mixed and varied list of candidates: "We can and we will provide a priority list of outstanding candidates to choose from. It'll be balanced between men and women and it'll include many extremely talented black and minority ethnic candidates. That part we can do from the centre. The rest is up to you, the Party in the constituencies. It's for all of us to show that we're changing." It just sticks in the throat to read this tosh (Maude's speech rather than my blog...), All Women Shortlists and Ethnic Minority candidates are political hot potatoes so the Tories prattle on. What about gay candidates? I bet Cameron would be centre-fold in Attitude if gay candidates became an issue. Adam Rickitt doesn't count (only a gay icon and not a candidate yet) and Alan Duncan only came out years after becoming a Tory frontbench spokesman - the chances of an openly gay candidate being selected by the Tories would be far less than in comparison to Labour and the Lib Dems.
But the Tory Party renewal is put into some context when it is announced 3 days after Maude's fist-pumping morale boost that two Conservative councillors in Preston (Councillors Sharon Riley and Marie Milne) have defected to the Liberal Democrats. I don't like these Benedict Arnolds who shift from party to party whether they be David Owen, Ray Chishti, Shaun Woodward or these two ladies but it doesn't reflect well on the new Tories. One reason given by the now Liberal Democrat Cllrs was the case of the Tory candidate in the upcoming local elections (Joan Howarth) who said she would not want an ethnic minority colleague standing for Parliament. Cameron immediately criticises her by saying "she is in the wrong party", Howarth apologises and retracts her comments and she remains on the Tory list.
Even if 'Dave' is a new breed his party remains choc-a-bloc with all the same racists, homophobes and sexists (to varying degrees) as ever. The Tories have got to realise that it takes more than not wearing a tie to be a new party.

Straw poll?

Hypnotism, the new democracy
I found this on t'internet. So is the man who shook Robert Mugabe's hand because " was quite dark in that corner" going to succeed Tony Blair? And is this the cover to the new manifesto? Most unlikely on both counts, but there is nothing else newsworthy happening today.

Monday, April 10, 2006

Aussies on a sticky wicket

another bites the dust

If this one comes off it'll be the biggest shock since Coronation Street's Valerie Barlow was electrocuted (to death) by a faulty hairdryer, or at least since Rajab Ali and Morris Odumbe took 3 wickets apiece to dismiss the West Indies for 93 (1996 World Cup) and condemn them to a 73 run defeat against the unfancied and hitherto always beaten, Kenya. In reply to Bangladesh's surprisingly massive 427 (SK Warne: 20 overs, 1 maiden, 112 runs and 0 wickets going for 5.59 runs per over), Australia have suffered, spluttered and hesitated to a decidedly dodgy 145-6. For the afficionados amongst you it is more surprising, and worrying for the Convicts, that Australia have only gone into this match with 6 batsmen.
If the impossible happens and Bangladesh win, the cricketing world will be rocked to its foundations. The rest of us will be laughing. A lot.

Mitchell Alert!

When you see a Mitchell, you get out of the way; unless it's Billy and then you take liberties until Phil and Grant show. They're bad news. Phil can't go through an episode without whisper/shouting a threat to some Cockney muppet. Grant once swam to Brazil. He's tougher than a $2 steak. So what's this then? If I didn't know better I'd say it is monster Mitchell being civil and almost domesticated.

Firstly, it would be remiss and irresponsible not to thank the News of the World television supplement for giving the great title of "Grant my wish" (and for the complimenatry DVD, Up Pompeii.)
For some reason, Grant cannot sit down normally, but adopts a kind of I'm a little teapot short and stout pose (as seen in the above photo) and perches on the edge of the seat.
Grant is charming Jane and buys her a Gin and Tonic and has one himself. MITCHELL - GIN? This guy is the archetypal 21st Century Modern Man. He reassures Jane by saying: "I am not my brother" - a good thing for women. And with that monkey with wind look slapped across his Chevy (rhyming slang) Grant is making Jane weak at the knees, and if that fails Phil will kneecap her.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

XXXX rated

So i was chuffed to receive the latest celebrity endorsement email from the Labour Party. You know the last one was from Jo Brand so I knew email things can only get better. I was doubly chuffed to receive the email on two seperate email accounts.
So as Patrick Stewart says: "It doesn't take the captain of a starship or a superhero with special powers to change the world." No, but I guess it would help and then I started thinking. So given that the third installment of X-Men is on its way to a cinema near you, I have started work on the next film relating to the Labour Party. X-Men 4th Term. Led by Professor X (Stewart in a wheelchair) and aided and abetted by Money Boy (Gordon Brown) and the Beast (John Prescott), New Labour 4th term will campaign primarily on better social care (not that subtle; Stewpot's in a wheelchair) and whether the UK has met her 5 economic challenges to enter the Euro (if not, expect X-Men 5 economic challenges)
These photographs are exclusives here:

Friday, April 07, 2006

Batter up!

England have already lost the 7 match, one day series against India. Yep, after 4 matches the score is India 4 England 0. England's injury woes are well documented, the continuous silly mistakes are there for all to see. So what do we do?
Courtesy of The Meat and the Beeb it appears that Dubya may step up to the plate and save our ass just as Blair's support gave some form of ass-saving credence to Bush's war on Iraq.*

I know Bush isn't English, so his inclusion would just not be cricket; but just look at his face. Brilliant! Like he's thinking "Now this is why I got into politics. Hey Dad. DAD! Look at me"

* Not a lot I know, at least on this side of the Atlantic

Rozzer should have called the Rozzers

Minding my own business and watching Premier League Darts on Sky last night and spied this beauty.

Rozzer, why are you starting questions to Ruth Kelly with "To ask the Secretary of State for the Home Department"? How much does each written question cost? You'd have thought patriotic Andrew would care more about the British tax-payers money.

Unless of course, Ruth Kelly is the next Home Secretary and Rozzer has somehow heard of this reshuffle. Egad! That'd be bad.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Mazher Mahmood: the Kendo Nagasaki of the 21st century

Two things have become clear to me during this whole furore: despite what is currently circulating Blogdom, it is not Blogs that have brought Mahmood down; but rather George Galloway. And secondly if Mahmood had been wearing an Identity Card no-one would have been fooled. Stick that one in your Liberty pipe.
Yesterday, I was thinking of how to post his. A new spin. Recess Monkey and Guido have waxed lyrically and excellently and plenty of others have jumped on that bandwagon being rolled through town by Galloway. All this talk of wagons through town and gallows sounds like Guy Fawkes' real-life demise actually...
And then it hit. But I thought it was too tenuous and sad and no-one would possible relate to it. So conceive of my delight when a good friend of mine emailed me saying; Did you see George Galloway has had his ban lifted on printing the Fake Sheik photos. Not since Kendo Nagasaki was unmasked have I seen such drama.. Personally I will always remember Kendo Nagasaki as this. I wonder how Mazher Mahmood will be remembered?

Sven's men

Soon, very soon the World Cup will be upon us and I shall be cheering on our boys, the mighty England. In this spirit I will soon cease from slating Sven, but not quite yet. He is hopeless. I found the latest example on the Guardian's, Football Unlimited site. Why is Sven going round massaging egos? By all means phone them, but to be seen basically assuring injured players of their place in the squad is him basically telling other fringe players that they can only be in the squad if Sven's favourites are injured. It does not matter if say, as an example, Chris Riggott (who has been constantly improving this season) gets a 10/10 rating in every match for the rest of the season. He cannot get into the squad unless Sven's fave is injured, or stressed or whatever is wrong with him. This guy is just so bad at things motivational. Of course if he's fit Ashley Cole will go, he's the best left-back in the world.
I know I have interpreted this from an anti-Sven angle, but why not I cannot wait til he goes.

You're Nicked!

I am indebted to my very good friend, Mr Charlton Hofie for the above photograph taken during the Sports and Social's last karaoke night. The gentleman in the photograph is Nick (like Pele he has no surname), the bar manager of the Sports.
From time to time the Sports is a ferocious place and Nick's serenity calms everyone. During Nick's performance it became abundantly clear why when not pulling pints (slowly) Nick beats his drum and is not a lead singer. However, the best thing about the photo which led to me buying Charlton a pint in gratitude is the lyrics on the screen. "ARE YOU LONELY JUST LIKE ME?"
Hey Nick it's karaoke not a support group meeting! Maybe next time you could go for a bit of Akon? All together now (inhale helium) ♫"I'm so lonely (so lonely), I'm Mr. Lonely (Mr. Lonely). I have nobody (I have nobody). To call my own (to call my own) girl"

Goody, goody

This is the single most annoying, disgraceful excuse for a celebrity ever. Words cannot describe how worthless she is (as a celeb), it's the pig-face combined with horrible voice, cretinous outlook and pig-face that does it. God knows how I came across this one, but Jade smoked her first joint at the age of 5.
In her autobiography, that is sure to make Jordan's look like the greatest piece of literature since War and Peace, Jade says: "I used to skin up for my mum even before she lost the use of her arm in a motorbike crash." It is nice when kids help out around the house.
Jade, who was then 5, had a puff when she found a spliff in the ashtray, sparked it and had a drag. In a touching moment you're more likely to find on the Jeremy Kyle Show Jade confides: "She didn’t tell me off either - she took a picture." That must be pride of place in the Burberry photoframe on the mantelpiece.

* photo courtesy of this magnificent website

Wednesday, April 05, 2006


Right then which is correct: Parliamentary Under Secretary of State or Parliamentary Under-Secretary of State?

And which is correct?

Bi-election, By-election or Bye-election

His Everchanging Moods

Many things in life change: the seasons; David Beckham's hairstyle; the barstaff in the Queen Vic and J-Lo's lovers to name but a few. And it is with this sentiment in mind that I draw your attention to the case of one Martin Levin.
"Who he?" you ask. Well in the week where David 'Dave' Cameron decried UKIP as a "sort of a bunch of ... fruit cakes and loonies and closet racists mostly", it was me Barry Beef, your humble servant, who unsheathed Jonathan Aitken's sword of truth and pointed my meagre (in number, but not intellect...mostly) readership in the direction of Delroy Young. Now I point my sword in the direction of this chap

Martin Levin, a man of a most Kilroy-Silky hue, will be standing for Dave's So Tory Crew in Roding ward, London Borough of Redbridge. However, Levin has not always worn a blue rosette. Shock horror, and I bet you can't see where this is heading; Levin is a veteran of elections. The dream began in 1997 when he stood in Chelmsford West for...drumroll...UKIP gaining 323 votes and was beaten into 6th place. The Green Party/Plaid Cymru alliance came 5th. Yes the Welsh nationalists got more votes in Chelmsford!
He then returned to Redbridge and stood in the 2001 General Election for UKIP coming fourth by as good as 4000 votes. 4 years later he came 5th standing as an Independent. UKIP came 4th.
Look at his website and folow the conscientious politician link and then pick your own quote. I particularly liked:

"Truth, Honesty, Integrity are three items sadly lacking in modern politics. No wonder we hear the plea "there’s no-one to vote for". Well there is now. No more of the same old hackneyed phrases. At last, the choice of being hit over the head by 12 pound, 14 pound or 16 pound hammers can be rejected."
How much does the Tory hammer weigh?

"I am amazed at the number of people who think such matters should be left to politicians, as 'they were elected to represent and decide for us'. Did we actually choose any of them ourselves? No. They were imposed us by the political parties. The vast majority of politicians are self-serving, uncreative, arrogant spongers (notice how many entered the legal profession, as most are incapable of doing anything productive, except enrich themselves)."

In ending I must say, I have heard Martin Levin before and he is a very robust and humourous orator. Not so sure about the graphics on his site though.

And they're off

Despite being as orchestrated as a Stalinist show trial, Labour are off and running on the Local Election campaign. Addressing councillors, candidates and party activists Tony Blair, Gordon Brown, John Prescott, Ian McCartney and Tessa Jowell all did the expected motivational speak, and pretty good it was too.
The Press playing the role of slighted servant of the people were distraught; firstly, the body language expert was flipped off by Ian McCartney. And then Messrs McCartney and Prescott took turns in having digs at the fourth estate.
The Press were then further peeved when they weren't allowed to ask any questions. Or should that be question? "Who's going to be next Labour Party leader?" Yawn, yawn. Do you still need to go through journalism courses to pose such pertinent, and highly original, questions? Any hack worth his or her salt should know Labour members have wanted to know this for years and we are still waiting, so "the scribblers, squeakers and snappers", as Macca earlier dissed them, and the people at large will have to wait!
Blair was fulsome in his praise of the NHS, saying Macca was a walking, talking example of how health services were improving. Macca, who must have had 3 weetabix this morning, then responded to Tessa Jowell's speech, which centred around the Olympics, by quipping he would be training for the pole vault. Hilarious. Stick to politics mate.
Sadly, for the Wolves of Ragsville there was no punch-up between Blair and Brown. For the record Brown got the biggest round of applause and it was all sunshine inside the building and outside too.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Ozzy bashing

It is with immense joy that I post Australia today completed a very hard fought victory over South Africa with Brett Lee and Michael Kasprowicz steering the Baggy Caps home. Awesome opener, and hero of Beef, Justin Langer was padded up and ready to bat despite suffering a concussion when hit flush on the noggin from Makhaya Ntini's first ball of the Aussie first innings.
Here are the happy couple. In a post-victory clinch.

Now I wonder if Lee and Kasper have ever been in a similar scenario before? Oh yes actually they were. Rewind to Edgbaston, 7th August, 2005. Still ringing no bells? Does this picture help?

No? How's about Richie Benaud's commentary? "Jones! Bowden!" If you know, well done! If not here's the final photo of Freddie brilliantly consoling Brett Lee after they came so far and flunked.

Great Balls of Fire

Rarely do you come across stories as stupid as this one. Actually given Sunderland's perilous plight, I'll give Kevin Kyle the benefit of the doubt by saying rarely do you comes across stories as unfortunate as this one. Kevin Kyle...well there's no easy way of putting this...lads get ready to wince...Kevin Kyle missed Saturday's match vs. Everton (2-2) after spilling boiling water on his nads.
This is no kinky variation on hot wax on the chest schtick, but rather a picture of domestic bliss deteriorating into agony. Kyle was about to feed his son Max and lifted the wee bairn's bottle from a pan of boiling water, Max kicked out, spilling the water over his old man's old man. Ouch!
Kyle, who has scored once this season, was kept in hospital overnight for observation and routine p*ss-taking. He is expected back in training tomorrow.

Monday, April 03, 2006

Finally we're thinking what you're thinking

Despite being a very RUDE TORY MAN David 'Call me Dave' Cameron shot up in my estimations (he's now higher than Brian Sewell in my affections) by saying "UKIP is sort of a bunch of ... fruitcakes and loonies and closet racists mostly." Fair enough.
Or not! Because UKIP, the party who stole their emblem from a disused Poundstretcher shop, have taken exception to these comments and have demanded an apology. In their defence UKIP have just appointed a COLOURED to their national executive and his name is Delroy. No really. That's like Leroy, but with a 'D' as well. Here he is. Also in UKIP's ranks is the fat, annoying, pioneer of the Kris Akabusi laugh; 80s TV Chef, Rusty Lee. Rusty's black too. UKIP's Mike Nattrass said: "Rusty is an extremely jolly individual who will get on well with the electorate." Getting the theme yet? And UKIP stand for election meaning they have aspirations to get into No. 10 Downing Street which has a black door.
Honestly, what possible proof could there be that UKIP are racist? What thinly veiled pieces of hate could there be? I present Evidences A and B. And who exactly does Cameron think he is? Everyone knows UKIP's racism is out of the closet. But just to clarify that my party political allegiances are not going to swing...

Readers may be interested to know that other celebrity U-KIPPERS include: Gutbuster's favourite, Edward Fox; Joan Collins; alleged wife-beater, Geoff Boycott; sword of truth exponent and disgraced ex-Tory Minister, Jonathan Aitken; ancient silly-named explorer, Sir Ranulph Fiennes and the Tim Henman of Formula 1 (never actually won) Stirling Moss.

Scouse oddity

For some reason, BBC 4 is paying homage to, and even revisiting, 1973. And the above picture is on the Beeb website. Blimey, Ziggy Stardust certainly looked like Cilla Black.

Ooops she did it again!

I knew this picture would come in handy. Initially sent out after she failed to finish the Olympics marathon (the same Olympics where she failed to finish the 10,000 metres too), lightning has struck twice. Paula's out. Injured.
Fair play though, she does make marathons almost watchable. You never know what you are going to get: she wins, she sets world records and sometimes she has a p*ss trackside.

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